the rambling missionary

I read an article last week that had some quotes that reminded me of something I wrote a couple of years ago when my journey into understanding modesty, purity, lust and ultimately understanding life as, in part, a sexual being began. Little did I know that writing that piece, which was in response to a popular video at the time, would skyrocket me into conversations and research about this topic that I, at first, had assumed was fairly straight forward. Here I am two years later, not only still pursuing the topic, but now also pursuing writing a book about it. The thing that really threw me for a good loop in the article was a quote by a young girl (12 years old) who said, “You’re supposed to be proud of your body, not have to cover it up…” This was in response to having to wear a t-shirt over a bikini. My gut reaction wasn’t “well of course you need to wear a t-shirt!” No. Far from it. Rather it was the underlying, unfortunately broken, message this girl had come to understand, which made me beg the question: Why does being confident of one’s body equate to keeping it uncovered?

This shouldn’t be true, but it is. And I don’t think I realized how dramatically our culture – marketing, tv shows, movies, fashion etc… – defines the sexualization of women, and by extension women’s confidence levels. It’s ironic because in my own journey of really questioning, quite simply, why I felt the need to wear bikini’s, I discovered that it wasn’t what I wore to the beach that made me comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t a matter of showing more skin or showing less skin. It was in knowing myself as beautiful, loved, and worth honouring.

You see for years and years I wore bikini’s. Mostly, so I said, because I have a long torso and full swimsuits stretched skin in places that shouldn’t be moved certain ways in public, and it was literally physically uncomfortable. I have no doubt over 20 years the thinking of, “one piece’s just don’t fit me,” was the solidified excuse I used to show off my body in order for the world to think that I was comfortable in my skin – all in the hopes that I would, in fact, be comfortable in it. But the more I showed off my body, the less confidence I had. I felt so self aware, and not in a healthy way, as I would notice all of the little flaws on my body. Not only that, but wearing a bikini was warranting not only the attention that I desired, but also the attention I didn’t desire.

Side note: I am fully aware that regardless of what a woman wears there will probably be a man who notices and will find that woman attractive. However the point of this post is not about lust. So we won’t go there today.

As I became conscious of what little material was covering my body I actually started becoming aware of my own whole self. My paradigm shifted from being about what people thought about me and my body to what I thought about me and my body. Did I truly love my body – with all of its flaws, blemishes, and other imperfections? Did I really love my whole self, even? Where do I draw me confidence from? Because clearly, evidently, it wasn’t from my Victoria’s Secret lycra based fabric pieces. Wearing a bikini didn’t actually make me feel attractive; it made me feel noticed and exposed. And I didn’t want to just feel noticed. But I also didn’t want to feel attractive for the sake of feeling attractive either. I wanted to be comfortable and proud of my body for what it was.

This change didn’t happen overnight, or over a week, fortnight, month or year. It took several years. It took intentionality to look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful, even when I didn’t believe it. Whenever I would break out I used to think, “what if today is the day I meet the guy I’m going to marry!” A little voice in my head would always respond, “well then he’ll like you regardless of that zit on your nose, won’t he?” Every time I thought, “I’m not beautiful enough” I started to experience a deep conviction that was telling me that this was a lie, and that in believing this I was saying to my Creator that He didn’t do a good enough job on me. This conviction was something that invited me forward to become a stronger, healthier, more confidant woman; the woman I’m growing more and more into, today.

There is a way to genuinely reflect your confidence in the way you dress your physical being. Do you want people, not even just the man you’ll marry or the man you presently call your husband, to know the genuine you, or the counterfeit you? Who are you presenting first to yourself (and ultimately God), and second, to the world? I am not against bikini’s – I want to say this and make it clear. If you want to wear a bikini, fine, that is great. But don’t wear something (anything) just because that’s what makes you proud. Pride is sin, straight up. Arrogance is the sin I struggle the most with – I’ll be honest. I think I’m an attractive person, but I try not to show off [Show off: brag about, expose indecently, parade pretentiously] my body. Do I ever feel like it? Yes. Often. In fact I’d really love it if I guy would notice me one of these days and take me on a date. It’s been a WHILE let me tell you. But that doesn’t mean I parade myself in order to draw selfish satisfaction from getting attention; that’s my arrogance leading me. And I know I need to keep my pride in check, and let my confidence lead. When confidence leads I talk, dress, and act in ways that are purely the God refining, moulding, shaping, and in-desperate-need-of-grace me that still says “dang, you look good!” when I see my reflection in the morning.

Does showing my skin make me less proud of myself? Nope, not in the least. I am proud of my body, and I need to be humble – so I cover it up. Shout out now for all of you young ladies out there in elementary, middle or high school please hear me on this one. You’re in some of the most formative years of your life, and I know things like dresscodes drive you pretty much crazy – at least they drove me crazy and the options for me to buy in stores were way more dresscode appropriate than they are nowadays. I understand it’s annoying, and it may even feel harsh, but I challenge you to question your motivation for wearing what you put on your back in the morning, or this summer (whilst out of school) what you wear to the beach. Why are you wearing it? (By extension – why are you posting that picture of you in that position to instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other app you have?) What is your motivation? Is it to show off your body out of pride? Is it because you are trying to find confidence for your whole self? Are you falsely humble about your body – which is another term for pride? How do you really feel about your body? If anyone, young woman and woman alike can answer those questions with conviction that aligns with God’s Word, His high hopes, dreams and beautiful standards for our lives, then by all means – wear that dress, bikini, jeans or top.

But just please – think about it. Just think about what you are wearing. Not for me, not for that guy – but for you. And I can’t think for you or give you your straight answer. Be aware. Consider your self, your body, and your Creator. The reality is that if you’re comfortable with something you won’t feel the need to show it off, you’ll just naturally enhance wherever you are just because you know you are God designed, planned, and intended as wonderfully, beautifully you.