The words were splayed across her bare back, taunting girls that their virginity is something to be less than valued. As if nobody will accept and by extension love a girl if she hasn’t had sex before. That girls who weren’t willing to bare it all, just to be “did”, were girls that were a little less than human, hardly woman at all; girls unwilling to “put out” aren’t worth anybody’s time, and if a girl isn’t worth anybody’s time clearly they aren’t worth anything at all. Nobody does a virgin. The injustice of this statement and all of its devastating implications welled up to something close to anger inside of me – and as such things often do, I was inspired to write about it.
There are so many things wrong with these four little words that on their own are really not so terrible. In conjunction, however, it hurts me emotionally, spiritually and a little physically, just to read them. At 26 my virginity is something I am still holding onto. In my early 20s it really bothered me; did nobody want me sexually? It certainly felt like it. I felt like I was some freak who nobody was ever going to sleep with once they found out that I’d never slept with anyone else before. I was sure guys could just sense that I’d never gotten close to being naked with another man, and this turned them off from asking me out. What would be the point of dating me – I wasn’t going to let the “get with me” anyways. The thought of being a 25 year old virgin – let alone 30,35 or even 40 – was terrifyingly embarrassing. But why was this? How come I didn’t see myself, my body, and ultimately my virginity as something worth honouring and keeping for a healthy, steady, and dare I even say, covenant relationship?
Whether we agree, believe, or think so or not, our culture is discipling us in a very dramatic way. I use the word discipling very intentionally here because we use this word typically when talking about how we are teaching others how to live. This is what our society is doing to us – it’s teaching us the way we should walk in, so that when we grow up we will not depart from it. This is in fact very Scriptural. It was like God knew what he was thinking when he inspired Moses to write these words to the people of Israel. We’ve all heard and likely quoted this to new parents, old parents, young parents, and ourselves with the hopes that our children – those we lead and those we are rearing in our own homes – will receive well the things that we teach them, growing up in to young people faithful to the truth of the Gospel. As much as our intentions are great, somewhere along the lines the message of love, grace and holding on to things like purity, are easily lost amidst a culture that is vying to teach all of us the opposite things – better known as lies.
Since when did it so obviously switch, though, from not valuing sex at all? Hook ups, hanging out, one night stands, and having sex – and not just intercourse – has become the value itself. “Forget the impact it has on your present and future life; do what makes you feel good, loved, valued, worthy, special – and don’t be the one who is a virgin! Nobody will want to do you!” Are the implicit messages we hear all around us. Sex has been simplified to being “did”, as if it was like going for a swim, playing tennis, buying a new computer or cashing a pay cheque from work, and quite frankly I’d rather not be someone’s swimming pool, tennis ball, macbook or ATM. Inherently and engrained in my being is a worth so much deeper than that – and who out there is advocating this message
Studies have actually proven that young people who are taught about their sexuality – naming parts, teaching value and freedom to say no – actually postpone having sexual encounters longer than uninformed youth. Rarely are healthy platforms openly discussing sexuality, and I think it’s often because they fear that the more they talk about it, the more kids will feel the freedom to have sex. I think this is missing the mark, but just by a little. I think the more we talk about sexuality, the more freedom we will have – not freedom to have sex, necessarily, but simply freedom. We often equate “freedom” with “freedom to do whatever we want” when they are just not one in the same.
Paul talks about freedom in such a way that encouragers his readers to not return to their old ways of life, to not engage in behaviours that are sinful. Galatians 5 says that it is for freedom you have been set free! Freedom to be loved by a good God, freedom to say no, freedom to believe you are valuable and worth more than just being “did” by a guy you think will always be the one to hold you in your arms – and you’re 16. Girl I’ve been there – well, not quite. I’ve never actually been held in a guys arms for long enough to make it count. But I’ve been in that place of simply thinking “he’ll” make me whole. He won’t. Not only that, but I’ve been in a place where yes, I’ll admit, I wanted to have sex – and I wasn’t even dating the guy. We were just attracted to each other. Everything inside of me wanted him to take every part of me and satisfy a desire I hadn’t ever felt live like it did when I was hanging out with him. But somehow – I still can’t explain it – I said no. Freedom allowed me to say no. And let me tell you – that no to having sex and the yes to staying a virgin hurt. It hurt a lot. Sometimes I wonder if the wounds are still open. Questions of doubt rush in: Will a guy ever want me like he did? Will I ever desire a guy the same way I desired him? I’ve been single forever – that was my only shot at love! God why did I say no? God where is my freedom in this?
Freedom isn’t always easy, when you face a world that’s fighting to put you into bonds. But freedom in Christ is the best thing God gives to you. I think that if we’re taught this truth, explaining that this truth touches every sphere of life, then we’ll be more apt to see that it’s in freedom we find our identity; it’s through freedom that we’ll seek the One who set us free in the first place – which really should be goal.
Virginity is something to be valued – you deserve more than being “easy” and “did”. And to be real – somebody does “do” the virgin. Everybody at some point in their life is a virgin, and this changes the moment you engage in sexual activity (though I am not getting into the details of what defines sexual activity and therein what disqualifies you as a virgin; that’ll be saved for another Sunday!)
But consider today: where are you at with life?
Are you a virgin? If you don’t believe your virginity is valuable, then ask yourself this question first: do you believe YOU are valuable? Because you are. And that means every aspect of you is. If you have your virginity it’s like you’re “sitting on a million bucks…don’t give it away for a happy meal,” as one of my mentor’s mother so wisely puts it. If you don’t believe you, let alone your virginity, is of value, then I encourage you to seek out wise counsel. Go to someone you trust and disclose this thing that likely is causing you shame – holding onto your purity should be the last thing in life that should make you feel shameful. It should make you feel free! When I said no to dating the guy I previously mentioned, I knew I was saying no to good things like making out and having sex. But I also knew I was saying yes to a God who loves me deeper and unimaginably more than any man could. Saying no is hard; denying something you want is hard, but chasing to understand that God is God’s best for you will get you closer to finding joy in the freedom you have in Christ, and closer to seeing that being a virgin doesn’t define you, it’s just an aspect about yourself worth treasuring.
Are you someone who is unmarried, but has lost their virginity? Know that you are still loved. God is sovereign and Christ has extended grace to you already. If you are wallowing in the shame of an unwise decision – whether it was choosing to have sex, choosing to drink too much or get too high which led to sex, or if it was something that was taken from you and you’re wondering how you could have prevented it, then start by bringing it to Jesus. It may sound like an overplayed suggestion, and it probably is; but the truth is that it really is the only answer. I spent 9 months recently just studying the Bible in the hopes that I would get all my BIG questions about life answered and you know what? The answer that I kept coming to was “God loves me.” It was almost annoying, really. But it’s the simple truth that sustains. So bring whatever you feel is broken to Jesus. Maybe it’s incredibly difficult to do- maybe that first choice to engage in sexual activity has led you to doing more and more because you thought “well, I made that one mistake – might as well keep choosing sex.” Or maybe after losing your virginity through force you feel like nobody will want you again. This won’t stop Jesus from loving you. This won’t stop Jesus from extending grace. This won’t stop Him from forgiveness. This won’t stop freedom. Freedom is already here. Jesus has already gone to the cross and taken your sin, pain, and shame – today choose freedom.
Are you a parent? If you are, then I can only give you the advice that I wish someone had given my parents – as I have yet to be a parent. Step up, be bold, find courage and grace, and start talking to your children about sex. Talk to them about their value as virgins and as sexual beings. Let them see that you value your sexuality – shamelessly kiss your spouse in front of your kids! I heard of one woman who started talking openly to her children about sexuality when the kids were as young as 9, informing her eldest, within reason and using discernment, about sex and the effects of sexuality (eg. a period!). When her second born brought up something about a sexual aspect of her body, though didn’t know what to call it, the eldest piped up and said, “I think it’s about time for [child’s name] to get the sex talk, mom!” Most mom’s wait until their daughter has her first period to give her “the talk” – and for me even that didn’t consist of enough to teach me about anything significant. But I am saying don’t wait! The first time your child expresses any sort of sexual notion, talk to them about boundaries, the beauty of sex, the uniqueness of their bodies and their intrinsic value as a being who is made in the image of God.
The implied message of “nobody does a virgin” suggests that being a virgin is uncool, unvalued, unpopular – and it is sex undone and unwhole. To tell a girl that nobody will “do” them if they haven’t been “done” minimizes the value of sex, sexuality, and even the safety of covenant marriage itself. What will be left in this world as sacred if we don’t start protecting some of the things out there that were designed to represent holiness in the first place? It starts with all of us advocating for truth, being unashamed of who we are, knowing we aren’t defined by what we have done or haven’t done, and being willing to engage in conversations about sex and sexuality despite how uncomfortable they may make us.
If you are somebody who wants to reach out, but doesn’t know where to start I encourage you with this: seek out someone who you can trust. Maybe that’s a friend, a teacher, a parent, a youth leader, or a teacher you had in Sunday School years ago. Choose to reach out and don’t let yourself walk this journey alone. Next time someone says, “hey – I’d love to grab coffee with you sometime!” then believe them, initiate contact and take them up on their offer. I tell young women this all the time, so many times I forget who I’ve all told, and I genuinely mean it, but I won’t pursue something if they don’t want to pursue. Don’t be afraid to step out and ask someone, or to respond to somebody’s invitation. Don’t fear speaking out; often just letting words roll off your tongue can sometime be all the healing you need to start moving on and truly living in freedom.
the rambling missionary 