Last week I started laying down a case for how the world sees virginity as something to be less than valued, minimizing it to something someone “does”. Phrases like “put out,” “tap that,” and “doing it” are often used in place of sex, as if you using a vulgarity to demean sex makes it okay. It’s simply not okay, and who is advocating for things like staying pure until marriage? How can you stay pure until marriage when the world is telling you it’s okay to not wait and you’re facing feelings of sexual desire?
Rather than sitting here and listing off all of the places that aren’t advocating for this truth, I’ll just start advocating for it on behalf of many of those spheres. My original plan was to point the finger, but I am pretty sure Jesus makes a point about that in Scripture when he says, “why look at the speck in your brother’s eye when you have a log in your own?” Touché, Jesus, touché.
In response to my first Sex Talk Sunday some recently married friends of mine wanted to have me over to discuss what I’d written. I’ll admit, I think I have a problem because whenever somebody says, “come over and we can talk about [blank]” I right away think I’m going to get a stern talking to. Regardless of my reaction, though, I took them up on the dinner offer, knowing that whatever the outcome I was pleased that my friends were willing to chat about what is often a touchy (no pun intended) subject. One of my hopes in writing so openly about these kinds of things is that people will in turn feel more welcome to talk about topics that are often qualified as “taboo”.
My friends made some really good points, the first being that sex seem to be devalued in my “Nobody does a virgin” article. I agree. Sex and virginity were looked at through the lens of how the world sees it and I wanted to incite injustice in you as a reader. I wanted you to get passionate and have conviction that sex is so much more than what the world makes it out to be. We’ll have many more Sunday’s yet to come when we’ll discuss this (and hopefully we’ll have some featured guest writers to share their thoughts on this!) but what I want to focus on today is the second point my married friends brought to my attention.
The other big point that my friend brought up was how I had talked about wanting to have sex with a guy, and knowing this I had said no to dating him. It made it sound like dating someone meant that I was going to have sex, when in fact it is very possible to have one without the other. He made a good point that it is possible to stay sex free while dating, though it is hard. However making a commitment to it is possible, with accountability being key. Dating someone who has the same convictions of you is also something that will help you stay pure.
Accountability
Some people make promises to their parents, wear purity rings or make a pledge of abstinence. These are all great things to do, and by all means if you are someone who has never engaged in sexual activity and desire to stay that way or if you have engaged in sexual activity and wish to stop until the day you are united with your spouse then you need to pray and discern what is going to work best for you. I didn’t do any of these things (promises, purity rings, pledges etc…) with any sincerity, but I wish that I had at least been bold enough to talk to someone, one on one, who was willing to sit and figure this out with me. Being able to talk about anything, not just sexual choices, is incredibly important (though for the sake of this article not going on forever, I’m limiting it to conversation about sexual choices). Honest living is so much more than not lying about finishing your homework or brushing your teeth; it’s about being real at all times with someone you trust with whatever it is you are facing. If you’re a teenager I highly recommend finding at least one adult to help you live honestly and keep you accountable, however it is also possible for you to create a group of friends who can be just as affective. If you’re an adult, you’ve probably got some adult friends, and no matter what age it’s so valuable to have at least one specific set of people committed to walking in the same direction as you, helping you walk the road of purity.
Having Similar Convictions
This can be a really, really hard thing for people of all ages. I used to think it was harder for teenagers, but I think this can easily be just as difficult for adults (now being one and have faced this kind of challenge). The newly married couple I mentioned chatting with were both virgins when they got married. The fact that they both had never had sex with anyone else made it less difficult (though not easy, by any means) to hold off on sex until their wedding night. They talked to me about literally having to sit on opposite sides of the couch while watching TV in the weeks leading up to their wedding. Could they have had sex, knowing that they were going to get married anyways? Sure, they could have. But both of their convictions were in the same place, their commitments to God unwavering, and their promises to each other solid. They wanted to save all of their sexual energy til their wedding night – and they are both very glad that they did (If you’re reading this and you’re engaged, and you’re struggling to see how you’ll make it to you’re wedding night without having sex, I highly recommend reading this article titled “Burn it to the Ground” by Ron Smith). This couple now has an incredible testimony (as I believe all couples who are actively following Jesus do, by the way) to share with other couples, young people and, one day, their children of keeping sex just within their marriage. Things would have been increasingly difficult if one of them didn’t have a conviction to wait or if they previously had sex with other people. One of my mentors has suggested that sex is something God designed for you continue having once you start having it. I’m sure any anyone who has had sex could attest to the validity of this statement. Believing she is spot on and as someone who has yet to have sex, this is something that I remind myself when I feel my conviction is wavering, and maybe it’s something that you will find useful in your relationships.
We’re only just beginning to scratch the surface of conversation about all things sexual. There is so much more to dating or being in a relationship with someone than sex. Really, there is. You have all sorts of relationships with people in your life, and you’re not having sex with any of them are you? Be sure to check back next week as we continue conversations surrounding sex, dating, relationships and purity. I’ll be praying for you this week – if you have a specific prayer request, please feel free to email ofthisgirlsheart@gmail.com. I also encourage you to start seeking out that someone who you can have honest conversations with (not just the guy your seeing, either!) Don’t be shy, be bold! You aren’t meant to walk difficult roads alone.
the rambling missionary 