the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

Recently a boy liked me.

Shocking! Right? Right. He was genuine, caring, hard working, good with money, didn’t consider getting drunk as a good Friday night plan. He supported my faith and the speaking ministry I was busy leading and travelling to in order to fulfill opportunity after opportunity. He was great. I could always count on a “good morning” and a “good night.” It felt nice to not only be thought of on a daily basis but also engaged with by another human being. I liked him, and I knew it.

However I wrestled. I wrestled a lot. I prayed, I cried, I got frustrated. Why? Because I had no peace about dating him. None whatsoever. I wanted the peace, but it never came crashing over me.

One thing that I heard several times from friends during this ordeal was, “Erika, you deserve God’s best for you.” In my mind, this guy was pretty well the best. I could re-list all of the reasons why, but that’s redundant and unnecessary. The other thing that my heart always spoke, each time people said that I deserved Gods best, was, “but isn’t God himself His best for me?” Every time, without hesitation, this was my gut reaction. I was confused as to why so often there’s a go-to assumption that somebody else will be God’s best.

I understand the sentiment verily enough, and it’s kind. Thank you, dear friends, for looking out for me, knowing me well enough to be honest with me about who you know me to be and what God may be calling me to.

However, the more I heard this statement the more I felt the need to, at some point in my future, address this broken train of thought. I realized that this statement needs to be broken down for me to really explain myself clearly, without you getting all feeling like you want to claw apart what I’m writing.

You deserve

Stop. Stop right there.

You deserve nothing. Nobody, especially not God, owes you anything. Grace has let you breathe today. Dave Lomas, Pastor at Reality Church San Francisco, once said, “Your connection to God is why you are living right now.” I’ll admit that at this point in the original draft of this blog I walked away from writing and let this thought sit for several days. You see to me deserving suggests that I’ve earned something.  A team that works hard and as a result wins first pace deserves that honour.  A team that never practices does not deserve first place.  They have done nothing to earn that honour.  They don’t even deserve a participation trophy (but that may just be a whole other blog post.)  I have done nothing to earn the love of God, but He loves me freely – because He does…because He does.  If anything in life, God’s love is the one thing that we should want to work at in order to earn – then we’d deserve it!  But we do nothing for that love; it is only because of the grace so inherently a part of God’s nature that we are loved.  I do nothing to deserve it.  Being loved by Jesus is the most crucial part of my existence and I don’t deserve that.  What makes me think I deserve a good man – or any man at all?

God’s Best

God’s best is Himself. Do we recognize this? Do we understand this? Do we really, actually, get this? I don’t. I’ll be the first to admit it. I often see God as a helpful neighbour I’ll peek my head over the fence at for some occasional advice (Wilson!). I don’t perceive Him daily as the best thing that has happened to my life. I wish I did, and I am working on establishing this. Do I trust Him with my life? Often with hesitation, but yes. Do I know that I owe it all to Him? It’s an ongoing reality. Do I believe that I exist today because of His grace? Certainly. Knowing God is a lifelong process, but do I seek to better understand all of who He is? Am I active in trying to maintain my end of our relationship? In the first century people would literally give away their lives because they knew that Jesus was the best thing that happened to them. Asceticism is a fancy word for choosing to abstain from any fun (as we might see it). For example, there were Christians in the first century who completely abstained from sex (within a marriage) because they thought it would detract from their relationship with Jesus. The ascetics are an extreme example, but the point is that people disciplined their bodies and minds because they believed with all of their being that Jesus was worth giving up worldly pleasures – that’s how much they believed that Jesus was the best. I’m all for the fun and I think Jesus is often very present in the laughter so I am not by any means suggesting you stop that. Consider, though, your place on the scale of seeing Jesus as the best thing that’s happened to you. Is your spouse the best thing? Is your job? Is your education? Is your best friend? Is your home?  What is that “best” thing sitting on the throne that belongs to Jesus? The best One for you exists to help you exist. Do you know that? I know I’m still working on it.

For You

I’ll be honest, these final two words offer two directions that have confounded me. The first is healthy in that you should know yourself enough to know how you tick, what sets your passions on fire, what makes your skin crawl with frustration, what makes you come alive. This is good.  You should know you well before deciding that you should know somebody else well. The second thing these worlds make me feel are a sadness that comes with so often wanting to try and figure out stuff, including relationships, on our own without the help of the Holy Spirit. Not just figuring them out, but doing them without any conviction about whether you’re turning to the right or left or blazing straight on til sunrise. How often do you really let God into this process? One day if you’re in a relationship and then a marriage will you be able to say, “this is because of the grace of the Lord and this is to glorify Him alone.” If it is not, maybe you have to rethink some things. I’ve always said that I want God to write my love story. I know that’s overly lame and very 90s of me, but get over it. I’m still believing that He is and in this time of waiting my life shouldn’t be about focusing my sadness over being unmarried or even about what it is that I need to improve about myself (though the grace of the Lord invites me towards refinement regularly). My life should be about being ridiculously loved by a ridiculously loving God, and in turn reflecting that love to others. My life is about glorifying the God who I am learning is the best, who I do not deserve yet by grace have received.

“You deserve God’s best for you” can be used and heard as encouragement from someone with honest intentions – but it should be used carefully. We have to be aware that we do not deserve anything, yet we’ve been graced with breath every day. God’s best for us is Himself and He’s already offered that to us. You are put on this earth for one reason: to glorify God with all of who you are. To be loved and to love well. Is your life reflecting that purpose? Is your life reflecting grace? Is your life reflecting a God who is the best?