by erika haveman
If you’ve never heard the song “Good, Good Father” by Housefires, you need to go listen to that song. Right now. In fact maybe YouTube it while you read this (if you can multitask like that), and then go back and listen to it again. Just soak in it.
The reality is God gives good gifts to His children. Not because we have done something to deserve that gift, but simply because of who He is. It’s that genuine.
When I was 13 or so my family was celebrating Christmas at my Grandparents house. My grandma had been dealing with Alzheimer’s for some time already, so she didn’t always comprehend things well. I didn’t always understand this back then. Alzheimer’s is complicated, frustrating, and painful disease for anybody to understand, let alone children and teenagers. Knowing that it was going to be one of the last years with Grandma, my brother decided to video tape the gift giving affair on our new camcorder. That year for Christmas Grandma and Grandpa gifted me with a Barbie – the exact same one my 9 year old sister received. I remember thinking that this was the most ridiculous gift – what am I going to do with a Barbie?? The gift giving and opening and smiling continued, and later on that afternoon somebody suggested that together we watch the video of the festive occasion that just happened (remember when it was fun to make videos with a real camcorder and then watch them right away? Did your family do this? No? Just mine? Okay. Moving on.) We began watching the tape and instantly reminiscing about the memories we had just made – until one moment that left us all a little silenced. What I hadn’t realized was in the moment when I unwrapped the Barbie doll the camera zoomed in on me – and I didn’t hide my disappointment well…at all. I was caught red handed in not receiving a gift well. I was ungrateful and my face made sure everybody else in the family now knew it – including my doting Grandparents.
How often do we do this when God gives us a gift? Sometimes His gifts come through pain or the gift is just not what we wanted. Are we still grateful? Or do we sit there with our ugly faces on wondering why we didn’t get something better? Do we attend our pity parties for one and miss out on opportunities of joy that are awaiting us?
I remember back in the winter I was speaking at a retreat, and inevitably my unmarried situation became a topic of conversation. This conversation doesn’t bother me or make me feel resentful, so I allowed the conversations to play out. It’s always a little fun hearing people’s suggestions on who they think I should date or being asked questions on the kind of man I’d like to be with. Somewhere in the chaos of conversation and laughter somebody said, “Oh, God has got someone special in store for her!” This isn’t the first time this sentiment has been expressed in my presence, but the more I thought about it the more I started seeing how my expectations towards being married had been filtered through this cliché.
I’m not one to lack confidence on many occasions. I wasn’t always like this, of course. Growing up I was incredibly shy and I took myself too seriously (as most preteen girls do as they meander through understanding themselves). I didn’t know how to laugh at myself or go out on a limb and share my opinion. I had one friend in particular who helped boost my confidence during elementary school; I accredit her with helping me be more comfortable in my own skin. Which helped a lot during high school since I only ever wanted approval from guys, and it never came in the way that I wanted: through a boyfriend. I didn’t go on a single date in high school. In fact I don’t think I had my first date until I was 22. Those years were painful, shaping years. It was in those years of being unmarried, unattached and unspoken for by another human being that my confidence started to really take shape. It was also in those years that I heard a lot of, “God has someone great for you!” Often I’d want to lash out and say, “you don’t know that! That’s not a promise!” But over time my confidence lilted my mind into a place of arrogance because of this sentiment.
It didn’t hit me until the retreat this past winter that I had let this cliché creep into my thinking. It had made me arrogant when it came to considering expectations I should have for potential future marriage. In 2013 God started me on a journey to rid me of some of the ugliest pieces of who I was. It was a hard and painful beginning to what life is about. We live fully surrendered so that we can be wholly transformed. For me, this includes the way I saw myself and the expectations I had for marriage. The more other people saw me as deserving of a great man, a special man, a Godly man, the more I thought that’s what I should receive. It started to shift from being surprised by grace to being disappointed by love. This unhealthy shift left me thinking that God was holding out on me. Only God is good, but why wasn’t He being good to me? The culture in many of our churches suggest that being married is a good thing, and this is only egged on by “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Now I’m not here to suggest that marriage is a bad thing by any means, because I do in fact believe it’s wonderful. But it is not king, nor should it ever become king. There is only one King, and we all know who that is. Amidst the culture that thinks happiness is only found in a spouse and the constant opinions that a good man is going to be my husband I started to hone in on “God why am I not married!?” instead of “God, where are you leading me?” Even worse I was ignoring the gifts He was bestowing on me while awaiting for the gift that I wanted. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the unmarried zone and host many a pity party. However, every one of these you host only ever has one attendee: you. And nobody wants to party alone. Nor does anybody appreciate it when their gifts are not received well.
Every time somebody told me that “God has someone wonderful in store for you!” my mind built myself into the person that everybody should want to party with. How confusing it was, then, when I was never asked on dates. Never asked to dance at weddings. Never worth stopping to talk to. I was never given the gifts I wanted.
“But I thought someone wonderful was out there for me! Is everyone a walking jerk!?” Or was I too proud and selfishly expectant for my own good?
God is a good, good Father who gives good, good gifts to His children. The reality here is two fold. A gift is only a gift when we’re surprised by it, and God is God, and we are not. Combine those two realities, and we get this: God gifts us the unexpected precisely when He means to and when we need it. If I am sitting here, tapping my toe, checking my watch and eyeing the sky for when God is going to answer my prayer exactly the way I want it to be answered then where is the surprise? When I prayed the prayers of “God would you please write my love story” I was surrendering the original copy of that book. I signed away the rights to being in charge. Every time I’d hear “God has a treat for you when it comes to a man!” I’d fight to get the pen back in my right hand – without even realizing it.
Sometimes we don’t know what needs fixing in our hearts. Sometimes we don’t know the implications of a person’s well wishes until God shows us. With this in mind let it serve as a reminder that we need to live face down in reverence and palms up on openness. God gives good gifts – but let those gifts surprise you. I don’t know if there is anything that brings our Father greater joy than when we receive His good gifts – the most joyous one of all being His love He has so graciously poured over our lives. He’s a good, good Father – it’s who He is. I’m loved by Him, it’s who I am.
the rambling missionary 