by erika haveman
For the life of me I didn’t know where they went. I was already running late, and this was just the cherry topped on the ice cream Sundae, wasn’t it? I always leave them in the same spot…so why weren’t they there? My franticness increased and my blood pressure rose as I considered all the implications: I’ll be late for work, the vegetables won’t get washed, the people will be angry, my boss will fire me! All because my keys are missing. I racked my brains for what I would have done with them. Finally it struck me that I had a spare in my room, and as I rushed to get them my fears started to calm down as I realized I may just get to work on time after all. Later on as I was rooting through my purse, looking for something else – I found my keys. When I stopped looking, there they were.
I’m sure this has happened to the best of us, and I have no doubt that someone out there can relate to finding something only after you’ve stopped looking. What I find interesting is how we can apply this same logic when it comes to meeting our future spouse. Why is the cliché so invasive?
Pretty much every chick flick reinforces this idea that love happens when we least expect it – and yes, it can happen this way. But to trust in this standard is not the wisest. This suggests to us that there is very little that we need to pursue, initiate or do at all. This is not to say that we need to take our relationship lives by the horns and tell God “I got this!” It’s about learning how to partner with Him and respond when He calls us to start looking. Let me unpack a couple ways that as unmarrieds can stop relying on romanticized advice and start relying on a realistic God.
Faith always requires a response.
This mandates us to start by considering who you are relying on for that future spouse. Rightly so, if you are an active follower of Jesus, you should be relying on Him. However this often opens the door for unmarried’s to think that this means one day you’ll open your front door and (cue heavenly sounds) the person of your dreams is standing there. I know, I know, you’ll tell me you don’t actually believe that, but the principle of this situation is something you believe. If God is a provider, He’ll bring the right person into my life and I’ll just know. Again, a very nice ideal, that is in fact not entirely bad, but what kind of response does this inspire in you?
I think often this ideal can leave our faith as incomplete. James talks about faith without works being dead – so why, when it comes to relationships, do we get our panties all in knot when we settle into faith? If you’re unmarried, specifically an unmarried who is not dating but looking to date, what have you done to get yourself out there?
I know in the height my of longing to be in relationship I wasn’t doing anything to get myself out there. I would cry out to God and ask for a husband! But then I’d turn on the TV, or open a book, or thoroughly read through everyone’s Facebook status. I wouldn’t ask my friends to set me up, I wouldn’t consider online dating, I didn’t ask people at my church if they knew anybody. I did nothing to get myself out there.
Now, there can be a time and a place for you to sit back and wait in faith, but even in that sitting back phase you need to be determining to learn something. You still need to be seeking God and asking, “What am I learning in this situation?” It is so easy to say with our words and even open our Bibles with out hands and say “I am chasing God!” but if the prayers and the Word aren’t reshaping, transforming, and renewing our minds, then what’s the point? Let me put it simply: is your life changing? Are the relationships with your parents improving? Are you using the love you’re “saving up for your husband” to love other people? Because if you think you need to save up love, you’re kidding yourself. God never held back love for certain people; why should you? It may sound harsh, but all I’m saying is you can’t complain that you’re single if you’re doing nothing to get yourself out there. Please don’t settle for that! You are worth more and you are way more capable, valuable and able than you realize.
Life is not a movie – but it is a story.
I know, I know, that line is somewhere between cheesy and truthful. In Natasha Beddingfield’s song, Unwritten, she hits at a lot of things that we can relate to. She says, “today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” As believers we rest in the fact that our books didn’t start today, it was started ages and ages ago, in a time before we can comprehend. But we don’t know what’s written next. Before she sings that final chorus line, she sings,
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Here, she’s got a point. Only you can experience your life from your perspective. Isnt’ that weird? You have a unique story, and are you living in it to your absolute fullest? What are you doing to feel life every day? Have you ever stood in the rain? I have on occasion. Once I longed to stand in the rain to just feel alive; to remind myself that I have have the ability to breath, to feel, to think, to touch, to move. When was the last time you soaked in the reality of your own life that God has given you? When was the last time you appreciated the present pain or the present joy of your circumstance? Nobody else on this earth can ever feel for you; you need to embrace life! And choosing to not embrace this life (aka wallowing in what you see as a sad, lonely situation but God sees as one of hope, future excitement and growth) can hold us back, sometimes, from seeing how our story is being written.
You may not see a cute guy at a carnival, have him challenge to lay in the middle of a street with you at night, fleeing only when a car comes (and you almost die, but the exhilaration was worth it), visit his future dream home, have him write you letters every day of the year, watch him go off to war… you know what movie I’m talking about. This is a great movie with a great story – but it’s not your story. What is your story? Where are you at in your story? What is God writing for you today? Life shouldn’t be about not looking in order to find; Life is about having faith, being obedient, and see all of the good things that God is doing because He loves you. That’s how simple it is.
So for some of you, this is about starting to look, and not getting disappointed when you don’t “find” right away, but allowing it all to be a part of the amazing, incredible story that God is penning over your life.
the rambling missionary 