the rambling missionary

Guest Writer: Alynena Krause

“Many Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony…” John 4:39.

“God, if you can make this also true for me–that many others come to know You b/c of my testimony, then I can call my pain and my long wait worth it again, not in vain or really full of loss, although it will still sometimes feel that way. Please just make something good, so, so good, something worthy, something holy of this stupid pain and wait that have caused me so much ache. And as this Samaritan woman was able to, allow me, also, to be able to see, physically see, at least some, holy fruit that has come or that is coming or that will come from this pain and this wait. I need that affirmation, God. I need it. Quick!” -Alynena

Recently Erika asked me to write for her Sex Talks from the Single Girl blog about my experiences as a single, Christian woman. Just a warning, it’ll be raw and honest–it’s how I roll.

This morning, after I’d had yet another “fight” with God, He brought me to John 4:39.  It just resonated with me. Being in my early 30s, never having even had a boyfriend yet, but for many long years having sought after God and His ways while praying for a partner, I’ve been discouraged by God’s timing and His ways.  I’ve been left wondering why He hasn’t answered my prayers while I watch so many around me, a decade younger, getting married and starting families way before me. It has caused me much pain throughout my life. I know it’s a “first world problem,” but it’s no less a problem. I’m not starving or running for my life. I am blessed. I realize that. But it’s still pain. It still hurts. It still matters.   Because I know I’m not the only one who’s faced this, I wanted to share what I’ve learned through my long, often times painful, path of singleness. It’s come to a point where it’s not enough to keep hearing, “God’s been using this time to prepare you for something special.” My question is always immediately, “Well, why is it taking God so long to prepare me, while He prepares other people so quickly? He’s God…He could easily snap His fingers, and I’d be just as prepared as anyone else who gets their “something special” much earlier in life.”

While that may partly be so, I feel there’s so much more to this wait and this pain. God wants my pain and my wait to say something not only to me and my future husband and family; He wants to say something to the world. God wants to use my pain and my long wait to bring others to Him.  I pondered this for a while, wondering, what possible good could be learned through this pain and even this anger I’ve waded through with God for so many years? How could this benefit others and bring them closer to God? How could I bring others a message of God’s goodness, sovereignty and love through my pain of yet unmet desires and unanswered prayers?

God’s been teaching me about the power of my choices. I’m not just talking about the choices I make in regards to my behaviors. I’m talking about the choices I make about what I believe about myself, about God. I’m talking about choosing to have faith, even when it’s hard, even when it doesn’t feel true. The following is a list of lies I’ve often chose to believe about myself and/or about God that have caused pain in this wait and the corresponding truth I’ve come to choose to believe instead:

I’m not worth it.
The truth is that I am so very, very, very worth it. I’m no less desirable or funny or pretty than anyone else. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God by the Creator of the universe who loves me more than I could ever even intend to fathom.

God doesn’t care.
The truth is that God cares SO much that He’s counting every tear, every prayer, every obedient act of surrender. And He promises a reward to those who faithfully follow Him. There is yet a reward waiting.

God isn’t sovereign over my mistakes and that I can and will mess up my love story no matter what I do or don’t do!
Pressure! Stress! Anxiety! The truth is that God IS sovereign over my mistakes! He will overcome! I can press into Him and lean on Him and there I will find peace that surpasses all understanding without pressure, stress or anxiety! “…those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

God doesn’t want to and/or just simply doesn’t speak clearly to me.
The truth is that God does speak to me. God speaks clearly, and I, too, can hear Him, and He will even help me to hear Him and follow Him b/c that is His heart’s desire to have me follow Him. He wants to speak clearly. He will speak clearly. He does speak clearly. And I can hear Him and follow Him confidently.

Just because my prayers don’t appear to be being answered, I need to take control myself.
The truth is that God is an answerer of prayers. He doesn’t always answer when I’d like Him to or how I’d like Him to, but He is faithful to answer my prayers. Trusting Him can be so hard at times, but it will be worth it b/c there is reward in trusting Him too.

I won’t get what I want til I don’t want it anymore.
The truth is that God doesn’t want me to squish my desires. He doesn’t want me to give up hope or believing that He can and will answer my prayers. No! He deeply cares about the desires of my heart. He longs that I come to Him and share my heart with Him. His heart is that of a loving father. His desire is to answer the prayers of His children that align with His will.

God also revealed to me, through recent experience, a few Godly habits that He admires in His children:

Persistence in Prayer
Ask and ask and ask and ask and knock and knock and knock…! So often we only ask once or twice, but Jesus told many stories of rewarding persistence. Persistence can lead to deeper relationship with God as we walk with Him through our hardships. Persistence leads to deeper faith, deeper trust in not only what the Lord is capable of, but what He is willing to do for His beloved.

Trust in God
Keep hoping, believing, trusting, faithing it…even though it may seem unlikely or impossible. Keep on keeping on regardless of what circumstances look like or feel like. Trusting God, believe me, has been one of the hardest things I’ve been learning through the pain of this wait, but if we can trust Him with the deepest things of our hearts, we can learn to trust Him with absolutely anything, with absolutely everything!

Obediently Surrender
No matter what, even and especially when you don’t feel like it! Dying to self not once, but over and over and over and over and over again is one of the hardest things ever, but is the one thing that will bring us closer to God, deeper in Him, beyond all borders and boundaries we’ve ever set up, as we keep submitting to God’s Will and His timing, no matter what the cost. It’s hard, so, so, so hard, but in the end, it will create something so, so, so beyond beautiful. Beyond beautiful.

I’d like to close with this. Believe me, none of what I’ve mentioned above is easy. Remember, following Christ is to choose the narrow path, the harder path. To follow Christ means taking up my cross daily to go after Him, forsaking whatever necessary to do so. That is not easy. That is sometimes SO very, very painful. But that is the only way.  The point isn’t that I find just anybody to marry. I want to marry a man who loves God more than he loves me! I want him to seek God with all of his heart, soul, and mind. I want to seek God diligently together and raise children to do the same. I want my life to make a mark in this world for Christ, even if it’s a little mark. Even if I don’t amount to much in the world’s eyes, I just want to make a mark for Jesus, and if He can do that and chooses to do that through my pain of unmet longings, then I’m all for it. He will make the pain and this wait worth it. I will not go without reward. He will honor my persistence in prayer, my obedient surrender, and my attempts to trust Him with my whole heart.

 

About Alynena:
I am an ordinary woman who wants to make an extraordinary statement with my life about who God is and just how good He is.  I’m a substitute teacher, a youth leader, a prayer warrior, a writer, and a listening ear who loves digging deeper by asking really hard, honest questions.  I also love the heck out of laughing!

Alynena blogs at www.littleprayersblog.wordpress.com