the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

don’t forget to read weight & beauty: part 1 – the very first lie 

We’re all guilty of it.  We’ve all allowed a guy to check us out and as a result we’ve felt pretty good about ourselves.  Or at least we’ve probably felt better about ourselves than we had earlier that same day.  I will be the first to admit that I’m guilty of this.  In fact, I could probably reference you back to other blog posts where I’ve talked about this (like “One Too Many Catcalls” for instance).  The reality is when someone checks me out, I feel really good about myself.  I feel more worthy, valuable, beautiful, attractive…the list could go on.  The larger reality here, though, is that I cannot let those looks, comments, or asks get to my head because they don’t actually determine anything.  At least they shouldn’t.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine hosted a night for all of her female friends to talk about weight and beauty.  The core of the evening was to be honest and share together the struggles we have with feeling beautiful since we often allow our weight to determine how beautiful we are.  At one point in the evening, a married woman got up to share how these things affect marriage.  She made it overwhelmingly clear that you cannot expect a man to fulfill all your dreams about feeling like the most beautiful woman in the world until you believe you are the most beautiful woman in the world.  Nobody can make you believe that you are beautiful except you and God.  What she said is so incredibly true.  It is true for the married and unmarried and unattached.  This lie of “once you have a man you love then you’ll feel beautiful” is one I know countless married women have wrestled through (or are still wrestling through) because they got married and they still don’t embrace their beauty.

What I’ve learned throughout my 20s is that my physical beauty is not synonymous with my worth.  My worth – all of my worth – is found in Christ, the redeeming Sacrifice, resurrected from the grave and alive today.  That is where my everything is found – my worth, value, beauty, hope, truth, future.  All of it is found in him.

What I’ve observed amongst Christian woman, married and unmarried, however, is that we’re okay finding most of our “everything” in Him  We’ll sing it, shout it, write it, say it, read it…but we’re usually lying on some level.  1 Peter talks about praising God with the same lips we use to curse with.  Do we realize this happens every time we respond in criticism with regards to our bodies?  Do we realize this happens when we scoff at our husbands, boyfriends, or other male friends after they’ve offered a genuine compliment?

How can you receive a compliment unless you believe what you’re hearing?

Last week I shared the first lie I believed, and how I only ever wanted a boy to tell me I was beautiful.  But, you see, that guy just never came along.  High school turned to full time work, and work turned into travelling, and travelling turned into work and travelling and never being on spot long enough to find a man who could offer me those words.  No matter how “unfat” I stayed, I never received the affirmation I longed for.  It was in wrestling with this “WHY GOD WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO DATE ME!?” that I started to learn one very important thing.  I realized that God doesn’t make ugly things.  If He doesn’t make ugly things, and He made me, my only logical conclusion was that I could never be ugly.

End of story.

And actually…that is pretty much where it ended for me.  I think I went through a phase where I determined to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful.  I remember not liking that.  I remember being really uncomfortable (how many of you did your homework last week and felt this?).  But logic told me that if I couldn’t say that to myself, why should I ever expect anyone (anyone being that boy I was still waiting for) to say that to me?  And why would I believe if it if he was a part of my life and did say it?  I realized that I needed to believe that I was beautiful before I was going to believe that someone else thought I was beautiful.

I hope most of you were proactive and did your homework.  If you didn’t…well, really it’s your loss.  I could sit here and tell you you’re drop dead gorgeous; Your husband could become the man in Song of Songs with those apparently desirable compliments – but would you believe it?  Like really?  Really forever?

When I realized that God doesn’t make ugly things, I knew that no matter what would happen to my body, I could never be unbeautiful.  Sure I might gain a pound here or there, I might get a zit on my nose now and again, but those things don’t define my beauty.  God does.  And if I can believe that, and really believe it, I will be honouring my spouse (some day…if he ever shows up).

It’s never fair to depend on another fallible human being for your worth.  Embracing you in all your beauty is probably the most selfless thing you can do for anybody – especially your significant other if God has you in a relationship.

Homework for the week:
At the beginning of the girls night my friend hosted she asked us all to write down one word that we believed about our bodies.  I wrote down “beautiful”.  I share that with you not to sound arrogant, but to challenge you with the same question.  What would you write down?
Make a list of words that you want to believe about yourself.  Pick ONE to focus on this week.  Repeat it to yourself.  Every time you see your reflection, say it to yourself.  Ask your husband (if you’re married) to join you in this journey and ask him to tell it to you and when he does say “thanks, I think so too!”

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Check back next week for Weight & Beauty: Part 3 – All the Other Gorgeous Women