the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

Have you ever read a book that just got you irked? Like annoyed at the world or overly sentimental or underwhelmed by your own existence? I just finished one such book. What was the book you ask?

Little Women.

I know, I know – desecration! Lies! Abominable words you speak, Erika!

Sorry. In a world where I can say anything and be accepted by someone, I choose to be of the opinion that Little Women disappointed me.

However, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I opened the book (although does it count as “opening a book” when you’re reading on an eReader?) I was at first bored by the chatter of the March daughters and the slow moving plot. It quickened, of course, and became engaging right around when Jo met Laurie. That’s when I was hooked. I didn’t put the book down. I laid awake late into the evening and pushed aside responsibilities just to read “one more chapter!” My heart was constantly curious as I allowed myself to be caught up in the wisdom of Mrs. March, the woes of Meg, the wildness of Jo, the warmheartedness of Beth and the winsomeness of Amy. Honestly, my heart connected with these women and I found reflections of myself in all of the characters presented so delicately by Lousie May Alcott. But as the book continued I actually found myself becoming moodier. I felt drowned by my own life’s “have not’s” and I found myself wishing to enter the lives of the women in the novel. I longed for words of sweet sentiment to be whispered in my ear, for invitations to parties or picnics to be placed in my mailbox, and for hours of meaningful conversations to be at my disposal. I found myself, to be honest, outright jealous.

Of course, I recognize this isn’t the fault of the fictitious people Ms. Alcott created. I am not even sure how realistic her story is to the life people had in the 1800’s. But to me it sounds like a dream, and one that I’m not convinced I’ll ever find myself living.

Besides the jealousy I’ve found myself needing to control, though, I’ve been considering, again, one of my favourite topics: marriage. It’s impossible not to consider the topic while reading Little Women (which I have no doubt, by the way, is it’s own little forerunner for those ridiculous fantasy novels women so easily find themselves distracted by).

So often I hear things like, “oh, marriage is so hard.” As if to make me feel better about being unmarried. I know I’ve shared that line before, if not here then in real life with real people I’ve encountered. What really got me going today, as I lost myself in Meg’s marital issues, is that it’s not marriage that should be specifically blamed for being hard. Life in general is a challenge, and one circumstance may feel more of a challenge than the last, but that’s only because you’ve been getting prepared for what’s coming. Let me see if I can expound a little more clearly.

When I’ve heard that “marriage is hard” or “being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve had to do,” I have no qualms or queries to clarify just what people mean. I’m aware that those things are difficult. But what I wonder is whether people say these things to put unmarried’s off of marriage and mothering or if they are looking to blame something for their apparent troubles.  It might be both.

Don’t get me wrong, there are joys and freedoms in being unmarried, but are there not equal parts joys and freedoms in being married? If there aren’t joys and freedoms that can be found only in the confines of a marriage relationship, then why would anybody get married – ever?

As for having something to blame: it’s always easier to point the finger than to accept the difficulty of a situation.

Jesus tells that in this life there will be troubles. I’m not sure if He was explicitly referring to things like our grass not growing because it’s so dry or getting home late and supper being cold (#firstworldproblems), or something else trivial that we can easily make into a grand issue. In fact I’m not even sure He’s talking about relationships. But God certainly knows that when people get together, and they’re living honestly and vulnerably together, that tempers will likely flare and feelings get hurt and rifts be created. This is why grace must exist. So tempers can be calmed, feelings can be soothed, and rifts can be mended.

What I’d like to hear out of more married’s are things like, “marriage is gracious” or “being a parent is the sweetest trial of my life.” Why so negative all the time? Don’t tell me marriage is hard as if an unmarried person will never know hardship in the same degree. Don’t tell me being a parent is the most selfless thing someone can do with their life when some people are never granted that opportunity – does this mean they can’t live with the same level of selflessness? It’s not a competition to see who has the busiest life or the most difficult job or the most frustrating children. It’s not worth comparing notes on how your husband doesn’t put down the toilet seat when hers doesn’t ever listen. Hard is hard and selfless is selfless. But you know what else?

Grace is grace and encouragement is encouragement. I crave to hear more positive things spoken about life in general. I yearn to hear people pairing “marriage is hard” with “but more than that it’s really good.” Married couples have the incredible opportunity to offer hope to unmarried’s that what they long for is worth longing for. That intimate relationships are worth risking. That vulnerable conversation is worth having. Nobody longs for hardships. Hardships happen because life is life. Hardships happen when God is calling us closer to Himself, and in the moments when we feel like He’s abandoned us is the moment when He’s drawing the closest.

Not that I’m one to offer marriage advice (haha..ha…), but if you’re in a relationship and it’s hard right now then I dare you to ask yourself: What is God doing?  Is there something He’s trying to root out of me? Is there something He’s trying to build into me? Am I learning humility or patience? Grace? Justice? Mercy? Love? Forgiveness? As long as we’re humen we will never run out of things to learn, and often God will use other people to teach us the lessons we need in order to know Him better. Marriage is a very conducive place for that to happen. But that doesn’t make marriage “hard.” A conducive environment to grow (eg. marriage) makes that place sanctifying.

If you get nothing else out of what I’ve said today, try to get on board with pushing this basic truth:  Life is hard.  Marriage is good.