an open letter by stacey venema
Dear Community,
Please tell me something good about marriage and children. I understand that you mean well and that you are only trying to help me see things from another perspective. I appreciate that you are trying to help me to recognize the blessings that I have as a single person and encourage me to be content. However, it might not be having the impact that you had hoped for. I actually need you to tell me something good.
Please tell me something other than “marriage is hard work”, “children are exhausting” and “enjoy all of your free time and ability to sleep.” I see beautiful children, families and wedding photos on social media captioned “the best day ever” or “they grow up too fast ,” and so I know that there are good moments in marriage. When I share my dreams of someday getting married and having children, please say something other than “Don’t rush it. It’s not easy.” I recognize that you care about me and you don’t want me to be hurting. I know that your intentions are to console me and welcome me into the reality that marriage does not fix life. Thank you for caring for me and not wanting me to settle or rush into anything. I know that you want to stress that having a child is a huge commitment and it isn’t easy. However, despite your intentions, there are only a few things that I am hearing.
1. “Marriage and kids are scary.”
Honestly, getting married and having children is a big deal and I think that everyone has at least a little amount of fear going into either of these large life events. As a child I dreamed of getting married when I was an adult but also had a fear of getting married. As I have grown into an adult and in my relationship with Jesus my desire for marriage has grown as well as my comfortability with the idea of marriage. However, as I remain single, my community and even strangers have felt the need to ease my pain and desires for marriage with the truth: “Getting married and having children can be scary.” I have been reminded that marriage is so difficult that many people end up divorced. I have been told that it is better for me to be single than to rush into marriage and end up divorced. I have also been reminded that raising children is hard. While the “truth” can be helpful it has actually led me in the past to fear marriage and children. A while ago I found myself feeling overcome by worries. I deeply desired marriage and children and yet I felt that I could never have those things because I could not handle it. I felt trapped between my inability to quench my desires for marriage and kids and my inability to actually live out my dreams. As I went back to studying scripture I was reminded that the Lord asks us to do things we are afraid of all of the time. The Lord knows that often fear is larger than our actual situations and so he has to actually command us to not be afraid.
2. “Marriage and kids are too much work.”
One of the reasons I was so afraid of marriage and children is that I was starting to believe that marriage and kids were too much work. I was receiving this message from Christian circles and blogs that “marriage and children are hard work” and it started to come across as “marriage and kids are too much work so don’t even try at all.” I have seen an increase in blogs and articles in the last few years regarding the realities of how hard marriage is. This has led me to wonder “If marriage and children are so much work do I really want this?” But that is the wrong question to be asking. I should be asking the Lord what he wants for my life. There are many blessings that I have in my life that are intermingled with hard work. If we are encouraging single people to be content with singleness because marriage is hard work we are sending the wrong message. We should be encouraging people to follow the Lord in anything He asks even if that means hard work. Quite often marriage and singleness are both hard work, just in different ways.
3. “You need to learn how to be content in your singleness. You don’t know how good you have it.”
I realize that singleness is a good season and most of the time I feel that way. However, about every couple of months I find myself having a deep, ugly cry over my desires for a husband and children that has not yet been fulfilled. I pour my heart out to the Lord over my desires and I find peace. At times when I share with my community about these moments I am met with concern over my inability to be content. I recognize that there is a natural desire to want to take away my pain and to place a band-aid over the situation. I appreciate that you feel concerned for me to become “content” in my singleness. I have been told many times that I need to learn to be content in my singleness for that is what God desires of me. I have also been told to be more thankful for my season of singleness. While it is true that we need to give thanks in all circumstances, it is not my circumstance that will create contentment. In some of the most famous verses in the bible on contentment, Philippians 4:11-13, Paul has made it clear that he has found the secret to contentment. Paul shares that he is able to be content in all things because he knows that he can do all things through Christ. The object of Paul’s contentment is Christ. It is not the circumstances that provides contentment but rather Jesus. So when I am told to find contentment in singleness because I have so much free time that does not actually bring me peace or more satisfaction. However I can find contentment in Christ. We need to encourage those in our community to find their peace and contentment in Christ.
I know that at this point in the article it may feel difficult to know how to care for and encourage those who are single. I recognize that this article is focusing on some of the struggles that singles have, yet in communities we have to care for everyone and that includes those who are married. However, for the sake of focusing on one topic at a time this article and the next are focusing on what singles are hearing from society and how to care for singles. As we enter into each other’s worlds and hear each other’s hearts we are able to grow and care for each other. It is my hope that we can impact our communities and our world by sharing where God is at work in marriage and family. I dream that our mindset regarding marriage will also change societies view on marriage. In the 2nd and final part of this series I will share tangible ways that we can step into changing how we speak about marriage and how to care for single people.
Love,
Stacey
Born, raised, and still living in Kalamazoo, MI, Stacey is an extreme extrovert who loves to think deeply, spend time with her family and friends (and her hedgehog), make Chemex coffee, and sit on her front porch. She loves investing her time with Jesus and then writing about it – often finding herself drawn to write about romantic relationships, marriage and singleness. She’s a clinical social worker who appreciates question asking and vulnerability. Stacey blogs at https://staceyannvenema.wordpress.com/
the rambling missionary 