by erika haveman
Ironically about a year ago I was writing about blazing trails. I wrote about being overwhelmed by choices and how making new choices means hard work but doing it with God is always the best. Doing things with God is still always the best and blazing trails is still hard work. I see now, though, that God is the trailblazer.
The other night I went to the beach to watch the sun set. As I walked the narrow path towards the beach God struck me with a thought:
“This is my path for you. It is the only path. Don’t try to go and make your own.”
Many of you who know me personally are aware that my life is a bit…chaotic right now. 11 days ago I got home from 8 weeks of European life (which was a holiday and wonderful, don’t get me wrong!) and in 4 days I’m starting a drive out west to Alberta. I’m supposed to be working as a missionary in Montana, but my visa is stuck in process somewhere, so Alberta is closer to Montana than Ontario. I’ll be south of Calgary for 3 weeks before flying to Taiwan for 2 months. Oh, and on top of that, being a missionary means finding financial support – like asking people to give you money so you can serve Jesus and others – which is an “oh goodness this is seriously humbling” kind of challenge. As if I’m not already feeling knocked down enough right now.
I’m constantly feeling on the verge of exploding, but in the moments I’m not about explode I’m genuinely excited about my messy life and the path Jesus has for me.
After spending a few hours venting this past week, to Jesus, and watching the sun set, and being struck with thoughts from God on that path to the beach, and hearing a sermon about picking up your cross to follow Him, I’m (hopefully) starting to have fresh perspective on what I will call, to be polite, my messy little life.
But sometimes the path we’re on straight up sucks. Sometimes we want it all gone. Sometimes giving up is a very, VERY, appealing option. You want to scream that you don’t want it – ANY of it. You can’t force yourself to feel truth in that deep sort of way where you know that you know it. There is a whole lot of good stuff in your head telling you that God is faithful, but your heart seems to be seriously lagging behind. It didn’t get the memo to remember God’s faithfulness. Or grace. Or forgiveness. Or love.
You can’t force yourself to get unstuck, because once again you’ve dug the hole right smack dab in the middle of the one path and oh hey – it’s too deep to climb out of. And there are no good foot holds, anyways. You didn’t factor any of those into your plan. You just thought about trying to get as far off that path as possible. But rather than just going off into the bushes, you started to dig. It’s like you didn’t really want to run away from what you’re called to do, but you didn’t really want to move towards it either.
Story. Of. My. Life.
I started to read The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer (I found like 20+ books for my Kobo that cost me less than $10, and all of them are classics or seriously amazing theology). In it Tozer says that the goal in life should be knowing God.
My reality is I’m so tired of being and I just want to do.
I want a normal income and the house and the husband and the kids. I want to make love everyday to the man I love and I want to cook dinners for him and serve him. I want babies to cuddle and a home to keep (or children to chase that make me insane and a house where you can’t see the floor because it’s covered in toys). I want to do those things and have those things. Being is harder because it doesn’t promise a routine or a schedule or a nice long term plan or a pay cheque.
I don’t want to be seen or known or heard and all I want to do is be seen and known and heard. Why is that I want to scream at Jesus to not waste His time on trying to love me and at the same time my being longs more than ever to hope that somewhere, someone is trying to love me – shattered pieces and all.
More than anything we all want to be known and to know.
Paul talks about giving up everything for the sake of knowing Jesus. He says in Philippians 3:8-9, “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.”
Shout out to my days at Graphite Bible Camp and learning actions to that verse to help me remember it. It’s funny how the things from your childhood will recur in your adult years and be so much more profound, yet those early years at camp (and the like) are recognized as actually so foundational. When I read this verse the other day I started to realize (I will be the first to admit I have not fully realized this truth) that I focus – I mean focus – so much on everything else that knowing Jesus becomes the last thing I even think about doing. Knowing Jesus needs to be the first thing I care to think about in the morning. It needs to be the last thing I think about at night. It needs to be the reason I preach the Gospel. Knowing Jesus needs to be the goal that propels my life as a missionary. Everything in my life needs to be about knowing Jesus first.
Knowing Him needs be the reason I do whatever it is I do because it is defines who I am as a human being. I cannot do – whatever the “doing” is – without being His.
None of us can.
How do you need to refocus this week? This morning? This month? The rest of this year (because hey, you only have 4 months until it’s 2017!)
Knowing Jesus is everything. Let’s commit together to making this our reality.
If you’d like more information on what Erika is up to in mission’s, click on the “Mission Work” tab at the top of the page!
the rambling missionary 