the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

Reader Discretion Advised: There are parts of this article that some may find crude because I am being so direct.  I do not write to intentionally be disrespectful, but I also know that in being real and honest that people who feel marginalized or unheard will herein experience a sense of belonging.  Often with sexual brokenness and conversation regarding sexuality the enemy can make us feel isolated.  Having lived for too long like that I refuse to be guarded when being candid is what brought me freedom.  I only hope to leave nobody behind, ensure the margins stay empty, and to encourage living in the light of Christ because in the darkness nothing grows.

When I think back to my high school days of hearing the “sex talk” at youth group or school I recall a lot of them started with things like purity and modesty and lust.  We hear things like “stay pure, don’t have sex!” (so what does this mean when we do have sex within the loving confines of marriage?  Am I not pure then?  But I’m married!) and “bikini’s make boys sin!” (as if a shirtless man at the beach means I won’t sin, right?)  Rarely do we get to the root of the issues or at the very least start with the line that has been drawn that would help direct us, when we talk about these things.  I think that line, that starting point, that root – whatever you want to name it – is sexuality.

All of these things – purity, modesty, lust – are things that are birthed out of our sexuality.  Saying “let’s talk about purity!” without first defining sexuality or coming to a good understanding of our own sexuality, as being a part of the way God created us, is like saying “let’s start by putting in the windows in our new house!” before the concrete foundation has been laid.  It’s not logical to do something out of order like that.

If we start with sexuality we can understand that our sexuality is something that can, and should, be submitted to God and something with which we can exercise self control.  Out of our healthy understanding of sexuality will flow a natural purity and modesty because it all started with an understanding within our own brains of how sexuality is a part of who we are – something to be honoured, known, respected, and kept in good health.

So, what is sexuality?  Sexuality is something we need to understand as a part of our created beings.  Especially that it has a physical aspect in our bodies.  Some would argue sexuality is a state of mind, and while I might agree on the outset, I would have to take that definition one step further and add that it is subsequently defined by the physical organs that reveal whether or not I am male or female.  Personally, I am a female because I have breasts and a vagina.  I am not a male because I do not have a penis.  That is the most simple way of being clear on what I am meaning here.

Now, I want to take 2 seconds and be clear on something else: I understand that some people are attracted to people of the same gender.  I understand that some people are born with both male and female reproductive organs.  I get this.  I am not going to suggest otherwise.  However, I believe that we live in a world that is not perfect, it is complete yet awaiting a day of completion. That being said I also believe that we weren’t created by God to be happy.  We weren’t created to find fulfillment in another person, we were created to find fulfillment in Him.  A part of that means seeing His Word as completely infallible and not something that can be adjusted with cultural or societal shifts.  As you continue reading, you’ll see that at the end of the day we need to consider how to respond to our desires even when responding to them might mean never seeing them fulfilled.

To continue, though, I want to say that because I have respective female parts my state of mind attracts me to men, informs me what sections of skin I’d like to be enhancing, and fantasizes in ways that would pleasurably agree with my sexuality.  However, just because these are the natural reactions of my sexuality doesn’t mean that I should react this way.  Remember, who we are needs to honoured, known, respected, and kept in good health.  Thankfully I don’t have to figure this out on my own or trust crazy people like Alfred Kinsey to try and guide me on this.  I have the Bible and the discernment of Jesus.

We come to understand that when our stomach rumbles then we need to eat food.  You respond appropriately.  You don’t just stuff your face with sour patch kids.  You use discernment and self control and you eat food that is good for you.  When our hormones are raging we need to learn to have the same kind of healthy reaction skills.  We can control how we react.  This isn’t just a skill unmarried people need to learn as it is something that even within marriage requires control.  Ask any healthy, holy, Jesus loving couple and they will tell you that there have been moments when their sexual desires have been raging, but after propositioning their spouse they glean no response.  As much as I’d love to say that all Christian marriages are perfect, with both spouses giving selflessly to one another at all times, this again is something most marriages are constantly working towards.  This means that sometimes, even in marriage, when you want sex you will not get it.  How do you respond then?

When I own my sexuality as a healthy aspect of my God created being then the next step is to understand that it requires honour and respect just like every other part of me.  When I recognize that my organs and my state of mind are combining to make me desire certain things I am then at a crossroads of decision.  The question becomes: how do I know the best way to honour and respect my sexuality?  You could ask the same question of one’s physicality, spirituality and emotionality.

To honour and respect my physicality I should use God given strength to exercise and eat well.

To honour my spirituality, as a Christian, I should use God given faithfulness to pray and read the Bible and commune with other believers on a regular basis.

To honour my emotionality I should use God given kindness and love to be self aware, knowing my weaknesses as well as my strengths.

To honour my sexuality I should use God given self control and not react on my desires, but choose a healthy response to those desires.

So, what is the healthy, Godly response?  Well I thought I would save that until next week after you’ve had a week to consider your desires and self control.  To be real, there’s no new truth the Bible offers when it comes to sexuality and its healthiest expression: sex is for marriage.  I know, I know, all the unmarrieds are groaning.  But be patient with me!  Please!  Show a little grace.

If you’re struggling to understand Godly sexuality, ask God to help you understand His desires over your desires.  Ask yourself the question: is sexuality about me, or about God?  Are my desires about me, or about Jesus?  Is Jesus worth following, even if I never experience the desires that He, Himself, put inside of me?