by erika haveman
I live in a constant state of brokenness.
I could write the book on how to be a sustainable mess.
I have no strength to stand on my own, ever.
I am so weak I lack the creativity to know how to finish this sentence.
I fall asleep asking myself, “am I enough? Am I doing enough?”
Are these lies? Or are they reality?
I’ve wrestled with these questions on and off pretty much ever since I started to follow Jesus. I’ll probably wrestle with them until the day I die and I get to meet Him face to face. I’ve suffered through heart pains that have made me regret my faith. I’ve lost friends to heaven and questioned why God dare take them back so soon. I sleep in until all hours of the morning (partially because I’ve been sick, but we’ll breeze past that fact for now) and lack motivation, waking up with a high level of admiration for parents who chase children every day. I make huge lists and I don’t fulfill them. I am thousands of dollars in debt because I trusted my credit card more than I trusted that God would provide. I haven’t been on a date in over a year. These things make me feel like I’ve failed, or that life has dared to fail me.
Why ramble off all of the things that make me feel inadequate? Because I want you to see that as much as these are very real things, they are things that don’t define me because I am not defined by me.
Was that confusing? Let me try again.
I do not define me.
My choices do not determine who I am.
Lies or reality, I am not defined by the confines of this world.
Of course many things in my life can make me feel shame or heartbreak or like I’ve fallen woefully short. But any amount of suffering or indignity I count as nothing for the sake of knowing and being known by Christ my Creator King.
I feel embarrassed even writing that. How do I have the right to speak the truth when I haven’t opened my Bible in days? When I haven’t set aside time to meditate or pray? When I’ve been more interested in stories on Snapchat than I have been about taking time for my friends and hearing their stories?
“Don’t beat yourself up, Erika. We all do it.”
Sure we do! But too often we let our choices define who we are. We fall into the conviction that we are broken beyond repair. We start to believe that our mess can never be cleaned. We fall down and think that the hard, cold cement is the only bed that is worthy of us. We let ourselves become paralyzed by weakness. We come to terms that we aren’t good enough, so why try?
Guess what?
The story doesn’t end with brokenness beyond repair or messes that are impossible to scrub away or cement being our best option for a bed or weakness that can’t be overcome or the blank stares into the ceiling where the silence seems to scream at us that we aren’t enough.
We are defined by a God who calls us LOVED.
We are defined by a Jesus who rose from the grave.
We are defined by a Spirit who works for our good.
We are defined by a Creator who gives us Himself to rest on.
We are defined by a King whose strength has overcome the greatest enemy.
So am I broken? Am I a mess? Am I falling? Am I weak? Yes.
Have I loved and lost? Have I been lazy? Have I got myself into debt? Have I been to busy for relationships? Yes.
But none of the things I’ve experienced define me. None. Of. Them.
“What about the good things? Erika you’ve done lots of good things!”
Yes, I probably, certainly have.
Have I taught the Bible in nations that otherwise would not have had access to Biblical education? Have I led youth to know God more? Have I mentored young women in their walks of life? Have I prayed and cried with friends when they were at the end of their ropes? Yes. I have done all of these “good” things.
Good things don’t define me either.
The definition of me comes down the One to whom I belong.
I belong to God who calls me loved.
I belong to Jesus who rose from the grave.
I belong to Holy Spirit who works for my good
I belong to Creator who gives Himself selflessly to rest on.
I belong to a great, mighty King who is my strength, relentlessly fighting for me.
These things are worth being repeated because they are the most important things to know.
This means that when I am broken, He will fix me.
When I am a mess, He is Mr. Clean (that was clever eh?).
When I am falling, He’s there to catch me.
When I am weak, He is always strong.
When my heart breaks, He picks up the pieces and offers me hope.
When I feel I’m not enough, He nudges me to be honest with Him so He can be honest with me.
When I’m lazy, He gracious invites me forward.
When I need help financially, He’ll come through.
When I question if I’ll be alone forever, He gently reminds me that He is my greatest comfort.
Just tonight I was booking a flight that I should have booked yesterday because overnight the price nearly doubled. As I went to click confirm on my payment a screen popped up telling me that the price had changed and I had to “please accept the new price.” My heart sunk, again, because I feared the cost would be even higher than I could already not afford. To my surprise the price had dropped by almost $100.
I immediately felt Him say, “See?”
I am defined by Him working in my life, my heart, my body, my soul.
You’re allowed to feel. You may have a really tough reality right now, but don’t let that define you. You are not defined by how you feel or the choices you’ve made or make, whether they are good or bad.
This is grace. You can live in acceptance of it or rejection. I highly recommend the former.
the rambling missionary 