by erika haveman
“No one will care.”
“People will judge you.”
“You’re not worth it.”
“There are better things than you.”
Close to tears one Sunday morning I slipped a flyer outlining what I do as a missionary into each of the mail slots at the church. I knew that someone could walk by, in the nearly empty building, and ask, “How are you?” and I could fake it and give a smile and an, “I’m good.” Inside I was anything but good. I felt fine moments ago and was now on the verge of a breakdown, fighting my own silent battle.
Last week I asked if my opening statements were lies or reality. This week I’m here to try and help you see the difference, because the statements I opened with today? They’re straight up lies. Were they real? Yes, they were hissing in my ears. But they were lies.
Sometimes we ask questions of our reality and there surfaces a fine line between reality and the lie. Often our questions are healthy and are pushing us toward God. They become lies when they push us away from God. So how did this happen? How did I go from having a very lovely conversation to a total internal wreck?
We all fight our own hidden wars. As I stood in the church foyer stapling these flyers together feeling overwhelmed with inexplicable emotion I saw a montage in my head of people who were going about their days with smiles on their faces, but internally were struggling to get up from the safety of their own dark corner. It reminded me of an interview I watched recently of Andrew Garfield by Stephen Colbert. In the interview Andrew Garfield was recounting a week long silent retreat he had went on in order to prepare for his movie Silence (which, side note, you all need to watch it and prepare to be challenged). In the interview he shared how during the retreat there was this relationship that he felt developed between himself and the person of Jesus Christ. But almost the moment he left, he and co-star Adam Driver hurtled into terrible, hurtful conversations for the next 3 hours of their ride to the airport. Andrew Garfield later on was able to recognize the significance of what had just happened. He’d been in a really good spiritual place with the Creator and that’s a place the enemy never wants any of us to be. The enemy actively works to destroy the relationship between man and God. There is no mention of what the terrible conversations were between the two actors, but it’s easy for me to imagine that they could have been a series of lies similar to what I was wrestling with today.
Lies confront us when we’re feeling good about where we’re at with Jesus. These lies are meant to distract us from where God is taking us. “Ironically” in church the same Sunday morning my Pastor mentioned that probably the biggest voice that we need to learn how to soften is our own in order to hear God speak. My voice wasn’t the one lying to me that morning, but until I recognized that what I was hearing was not God and not my own I didn’t combat the lies well. I fell into thinking they must be true and my response to all of them was, “It’s true. Why am I even trying? Why am I doing this?”
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so that [you] may have life and have it to the full.” – John 10:10
This is the way the enemy works. That battle you’re secretly fighting? It’s real. But don’t let yourself be okay with the enemy winning. He hasn’t won and He will never win because Jesus has won for today and for all of eternity. Jesus went to the cross, took hold of death itself and then crushed it when He rose from the grave. The cross holds the power of forgiveness and the empty grave holds the power of victory. His grace is more than sufficient to conquer any of the lies that are thrown at you.
People care. If people judge me that’s between them and God. Jesus has asked me to follow Him and He’s worth it. He will make sure that my needs are filled and He’ll nudge specific people to partner with me to make that happen. These are the truths that I can live it. What is the battle you’re fighting, and what truths do you need to tell yourself?
Similar to last week’s “I do not define me,” I also do not belong to myeslf. I am not my own but I have been bought with a price and belong, both body and soul, in life and in death, to my faithful Saviour, Jesus Christ. I had written that in my sermon notes that morning and as I did so thought, “I need to repeat this and remember it more often.”
Clearly Jesus was priming me for the onslaught of lies He knew was coming later that morning.
Jesus knows us. Learn to distinguish His voice from your voice, and your voice from the lies. If the question is pushing you away from Jesus, it’s not from Him. He wouldn’t do anything to push you away. Jesus only cares about drawing you closer. So take comfort with me in answering the question from the Heidelberg Catechism Lord’s Day 1:
What is your only comfort in life and in death?
That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Saviour, Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with His precious blood, and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He also preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from me heard; indeed all things must work together for my salvation. Therefore, by His Holy Spirit He also assures me of eternal life and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for Him.
Yes and Amen.
To watch the brilliant interview of Andrew Garfield by Stephen Colbert, click here. “A life of faith is not a life of certainty. A life of faith is a life of doubt.”
the rambling missionary 