Is The Pursuit Dead? [Part 1]

by erika haveman

Here’s what I’d like to know – probably again as I’ve probably asked this question before. What happened to the pursuit? Even the playing hard to get? Has all of that disappeared? Did I miss something? Am I really as Grandma as everyone says I am?

I was travelling from Abbotsford to Hamilton with a layover in Winnipeg recently. I only had about 30 minutes between flights but knew that I wanted food. I trudged down the concourse to find the Starbucks which was a few minutes walk from my departing gate. I really wanted either a panini or fruit. When I got to the Starbucks it had neither. They had lemon raspberry cake or bagels – not quite what I had been craving. As I stood there debating what to do, knowing I had limited time (my flight was already boarding) an attractive young man walked up. I promptly tell him to go ahead of me as I’m stuck as to what kind of decision to make. We strike up a conversation and he’s clearly flirting. I don’t mind. I took it as it came, settled on a Chai latte, then hurried back to, unsurprisingly, be the last person to board my flight. He was flying to Saskatoon so all my hopes for a future date with this tall, blonde haired, blue eyed prince would be held on hold at that Starbucks in YWG.

A few days later I was attending a wedding of a dear friend. Weddings as an unattached woman are always distracting. Don’t get me wrong – I love weddings! I love celebrating friends as they tie the knot, and this friend in particular I’ve known for nearly 15 years and with him have many, many hilarious memories. However as a woman in the position that I am, I nearly always, shamelessly, scan the room for any attractive fellows. One caught my eye early on in the ceremony (as often happens) and the realist in me kept waiting to see who his date was (also, as often happens). I lost track of him after the ceremony and didn’t set eyes on him again until the reception – where he was seated at my table. We chatted lightly over the meal, across my friend who separated the two of us. When dinner turned into dancing I landed myself amidst my friends on the floor while he kept to the sides. As the night wore on and my feet got more sore in my 4 inch sparkly silver heels I noticed he gradually made his way more into the crowd of people. I finally retreated to the bar to find some water when another young man who I’d not noticed sidled up to me. He proceeded to tell me he was drunk, and 20, and single, and not in a state to get married. He was quite entertaining, even after he’d told me the same thing for the 3rd time. It was a welcome moment of laughter, and my heart skipped a beat, when seemingly out of nowhere he plucked a cousin of his cousin out of thin air (my friend married a beautiful girl who has roots in India, so her family is gigantic and everyone is cousins or cousins of cousins). The plucked out relative was the cute guy from my table. The cousin proceeded to joke about how brilliant he was that he’d found two older, single people that he’d matched. Thankfully after some more jokes drunk cousin seeped back into the crowd on the dance floor and I was left with cute cousin.

He wasn’t hard to talk to. He was interesting and engaging and asked good questions. He was attractive and dressed very well and had a gorgeous smile. He was really nice and momentarily the hope flitted in my brain that he was feeling the same way I was and maybe he’d ask for my number. He didn’t live any where near me – but haven’t I always said that a long distance relationship is ideal for the first little while? So what if I’m naive. Just when I finally thought things were connecting, he told me he had to use the restroom and he snuck away. The moment he disappeared all my married friends converged on me to hear the (not so juicy) details. I hoped he would return, but then I needed to use the bathroom. When I was able to release myself from my friend’s clutches I knew that would be the end of talking to him. Sure enough when I returned from the ladies room my friends wanted to leave, and as I was at their mercy of carpooling I had to excuse myself. I didn’t see him again except to run into him while exiting the building where he wished me well as I travelled to Taiwan and I wished him well on his trip to Singapore.

I don’t get it. Well, no, I do. But do I?

As I analyzed my encounter at the wedding I started to feel too much and not enough all at once. I’d never be the kind of girl that flirts with a guy and holds a conversation with him just so we could hook up and then see where things might go. A part of me really assumes that’s what most guys want nowadays, and I won’t give that too them – hence the “not enough”. I didn’t try to hide the fact that I believe the Bible changes everything and that I want to see and be a part of women and children being saved from human trafficking. Another part of me assumes that guys don’t want to hear about a woman’s real life convictions – hence the feeling “too much”. It makes me wonder if everyone who hooks up is walking around not caring about what their dreams are or about what brings them excitement and pleasure in their 9-5 jobs or why sex is the starting point for modern day relationships.

Is it culture that has shaped us to believe that I need to give sex to get a relationship? Is that really all that empowering?

I read an article the other day about how relationships have turned into this absolutely undefined thing where nobody really knows what the are, even if they’re sleeping together and have drawers at each other’s apartments.

How has this happened? Where does this leave hope for those of use who aren’t going to submit to hook up culture?

I’m going to leave you hanging, and attempt to unpack the answers to these questions next week.