by erika haveman
There’s a trend amongst my unmarried friends I’m starting to observe. Admittedly one that’s reflected in myself as well. It’s not just a fear of missing out. I can’t imagine it’s a fear of commitment. But maybe it’s some weird combination of both.
I tend to encounter a lot of young people (no, just unmarried people – they aren’t necessarily young) these days who are afraid to simply express their attraction to someone of the opposite sex because they “don’t know where there life is going.” This happens a lot in the circles of missionaries that my life tends to revolve around.
I get it. I’ve been there. I don’t know what’s next so I didn’t go on that date.
Why did I let that hold me back? Was I scared that if I admitted “I like you,” and he returned the kindness that I would hinder God’s plans for his future? Would the conversation be too hurtful for both parties if the feelings weren’t mutual? What if the guy likes me but then God calls me to live in a hut in a closed nation and I have to surrender my new found love for a life of squalor?
C’mon people! We aren’t that naive, are we? Since when have I ever known God’s life plan for me? Am I really insinuating that by admitting to a guy “I have a crush on you,” I will screw up God’s plans for both of our lives?
Yet this happens time and again. Just earlier today I was having a conversation with a friend who has been texting with a guy for a little while now. In the millenial world texting for a little while is pretty much on par with having talked on the phone a couple times. Usually by now, had we still been living in a landline only world, somebody (my old fashioned mind says “he”) probably would have said something forward like, “Want to grab coffee sometime?” The person (old fashioned = “she”) on the receiving end of the question would have said, “Sure, I’d love to!” The asker (he) would have then suggested a location, date, and time. Just like that a date was born!
For some reason interactions like this just don’t happen nowadays. Instead there’s the sporadic text messages followed by minutes (nope, let’s be real, it’s hours) of wondering “if he’s interested,” and questioning “what he meant by that.” The analysis usually involves several female opinions and the occasional welcome thoughts from a trusted male friend. Even if the conclusion reveals there are obvious mutual feelings, as a missionary I shouldn’t initiate “the conversation” because my life might change and God might intervene (how dare He). I might let this really nice guy down who I actually like but am too afraid to ask for coffee and engage with him in real life conversation because that might be too vulnerable and similar to a marriage proposal.
Sound familiar? Don’t lie to me! You know you’ve felt that way, my dear unmarried friends.
Are you really letting the unknowns of the future paralyze your present potential for relationships? What if you’re not scared you’ll mess up that boy’s future and actually you’re just scared?
Scared of rejection, scared that another guy will come along you’ll like more, scared he’ll find someone he likes more than you, scared that it won’t work out, scared you’ll fight, scared you’ll get hurt… I could go on.
But stop telling me you don’t know what you’re doing with your life and use that as the excuse to never admit you like a guy who may or may not like you.
Just for the record, the situations I’m referring to are ones where there is interaction on a semi-regular basis. But maybe I’m using that as an excuse because at least once in the past couple weeks I’ve rapid fired the questions of “what does he mean?” and “why would he say that?” and “does this mean he’s interested?” fly from my mouth into the ears of listening friends. And for the record I’m not convinced he’s remotely interested. If this means I am a hypocrite for doing nothing about it as I simultaneously tell you to risk your neck then I can accept my own brokenness for the present.
A couple years ago I had a friend tell me that she hasn’t held back in asking guys if they’re interested if they’ve been engaging her attention for some time. If he’s doing it unintentionally he’ll admit to it. Things might get awkward and maybe even distant. However if he’s not the one God has for you to marry then you haven’t lost anything because chances are that guy will marry a good woman some day and you would lose his friendship. Not because you’re not a good friend, but rarely is a married man incredibly good friends with a single woman. I’m friends with married men, either friends of mine or friend’s husbands, but I would never go out one on one with those guys. I don’t mean this to sound bitter, as if you can never have friends of the opposite sex. But the guy you’re texting with? He’s either your husband or not.
Your heart will thank you to get some closure. If he’s a reasonable guy he’ll take your admission of attraction in stride and will continue to be friends with you until your lives naturally drifts apart. This I can attest to. I have had the conversation (via text) with a friend who I thought liked me. I’m pretty sure my question was, “hey, did you want to date me?” I found out he didn’t. We’re still friends – in real life and via text messaging.
Was telling that guy that he should date me awkward? Of course. But did I get some closure? Absolutely. My heart thanked me and I found that conquering the fear of opening that can of worms with a guy was more like opening a jar of pickles you thought was expired but was actually still really good.
That was a terrible analogy, especially if you don’t like pickles. But my point is when you do wriggle yourself out of your paralyzed state you’ll open your heart up to the next number of years of conquering the fears you’ve been letting hold you back. Is risking losing a bit of pride worth the opportunity to grow? I think so.
You choose. Will you keep tricking yourself into believing that God will be shocked and not know what to do with you when He sees you like a boy, admit it + boy likes you back and OH NO HOW WILL GOD DIRECT MY FUTURE NOW? Or will you trust that He’s got you, your heart, the boy of interest + boys heart all in His heart and He’ll always work things out for the best?
Don’t let fear, pride, or unknowns for the future affect your present.
Let your boldness, risk, and courage of your present affect your future.
the rambling missionary 