Stop Believing in The One

by erika haveman

There’s an opening scene in an episode of Friends where Phoebe asks Rachel and Chandler, who is dating Monica, if they believe in soulmates. Rachel promptly answers that she does, and in order for people to find their soulmate they need to stop looking for them. She adds, “This is why I’ve stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.” While I have maybe applied this line to my own life to get some laughs I am admittedly much more of a Chandler, who responds, “I believe certain people are more suited for each other, and I believe in falling in love, but soulmates, I don’t think they exist.”

What’s funny is the episode unfolds to reveal the man Phoebe is dating is a man Phoebe believes to be Monica’s soulmate – effectively making Chandler anxious that he’ll lose Monica. All is made well at the end of the episode when Chandler finally asks Monica if she believes in soulmates, to which she affirms she does not, relieving Chandler of the unnecessary stress of the previous 20 minutes.

I would have to agree with Monica and Chandler: soulmates are a nice idea, but unrealistic. I’m sure the Friends never actually thought too much about it, but I would go one step farther and suggest that to believe in soulmates would be dangerous. Why? Funny you should ask, because I have 3 reasons for you!

We risk missing what’s in front of us.
Whether we articulate it or not, often we, as young unattached Christians, really believe in a soulmate, but we might call it “the one.” While I believe that, as Christians, we should work with all of our might to make our marriages work so that it is limited to one I don’t think this translates to having only one possibility for a spouse. There are multiple roaming this good earth who could more than adequately, probably even excel, in the role of your spouse. We should stop ruling out the people around us – who we claim are fabulous, Jesus loving people – and date them instead. You “know it won’t work” because you’ve actually tried going on a one-on-one date with that person, eh? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Marriage is a choice. Every. Day.
Don’t believe me? Ask a married couple. That said, soulmates give us the allusion that marriage is going to be a breeze. And you know what? Take heart! Marriage is good. I’ve written on this before, too. But your choice starts the moment you’ve said “yes” to the date. Don’t misunderstand me, though, I’m not saying the first person you go on a date with is your spouse. However if that person did become your spouse then your choice of them began over that first cup of coffee. You will have to choose that person again and again and again. When we live with the allusion (delusion?) that God only has one person for us then our world falls apart when the guy we were crushing on starts dating someone else. Maybe we end up breaking a heart because we find ourselves so stuck on a name we think God spoke to us, when in reality there is an amazing guy pursuing you. Please realize that marriage is a choice, and as a result you are going to need to say yes more than on the day you say, “I do.”
Don’t have a list. Throw it out. Or burn it. Right now. Make sure it’s destroyed.
You heard me right. Maybe you don’t believe in soulmates or “the one” but you sure believe in standards. Don’t get me wrong, standards are good. But standards can also be dumb. When I was in my early 20s I swore I’d never date a younger man. Now, into my late 20s, I can look back and see the guys that I’ve “dated” have all been a few years (or more) younger than me. I threw out my list almost a decade ago and it was the most freeing thing I could have done. Suddenly I wasn’t limiting myself, and I was seeing the possibilities through God’s eyes. Put it this way: I’m not going to marry someone who I’m not attracted to or who I have zero chemistry with. Those things come naturally and don’t need a list. The only thing you should have on your list, if you insist on having one, is that your future spouse loves Jesus and follows Him passionately.

So where does this leave “the one?” Here’s what I think: God knows who I am going to marry, but that doesn’t mean that I have to make all the right choices in order to find that man. It’s not like God is seeing me turn right, and my spouse turns left, and God reacts like, “Oh! Too bad…another one missed her husband and is destined to the single life forever.” It sounds dumb, but I think we actually think this from time to time – as if a wrong decision screws us for life.

So don’t just hope for the one. Hope for a one, and trust that God knows you enough to give you the wisdom and discernment to make a good choice.