the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

It was over – again.  The hope, unspoken, barely admitted, though thoroughly wrestled through, fell away like it had so often done before.  As usual there was someone more beautiful who was going to win.

“But Erika, you are beautiful!” I can hear you say.

Thank you, you are kind.  I may even believe you.  I may even convince myself that my other friend speaks true when she says I have a “hot bod.”  But the compliments fall flat when you aren’t the most beautiful (or simply aren’t a words of affirmation person, like myself).  It’s not that I think I’m offensive looking by any means.  You’ve maybe read in other blogs of mine that I’ve on occasion seen my reflection in a mirror and begged the question, “How am I single!?”  Regardless of how I feel about myself, my confidence doesn’t make me, physically, the most beautiful.  There are other people who take that trophy.  Several thousand, actually, without fail or any effort of their own.

However, does the reality that I’m not beautiful make me un-valuable?

I think there’s a dangerous lie that lurks in the dark corners of our hearts that long for love and it tells us if we’re not beautiful then we’re not valuable.

I also think we believe it.  Regularly.  The amount of you who will want to try and convince me, whence this post is read, that I am beautiful will prove my point.  You believe that I need to believe I’m beautiful.

I think it’s more important that I believe I’m valuable.  So don’t you dare tell me, or even think about telling me, “You’re beautiful on the inside and out!”  It’s patronizing.

People often ask me how I’m so confident.  I’m always slightly confused at this.  My vanity driven life motto’s have always been, “Fake it til you make it,” which is usually in reference to learning to wear 3+ inch heels, and “If your hair looks good, you look good.”  So yes, wearing heels and having great hair can help me feel confident.  In fact, when I do my makeup and wear an outfit that I know is flattering I feel beautiful, and that adds confidence.  But some days I forget that I have no foundation, I do nothing to my hair (maybe besides load on the dry shampoo), and wear too many patterns, and I feel equally as confident.  Usually on those days I think, “If today’s the day I meet my husband, then he’ll like me with this face, too.”  I don’t think that and add, “because I’m so beautiful dressed down.”  I think he’ll still care because I know I’m valuable.  I’m confident because even on the hardest, darkest, stormiest and gloomiest of days I know that my level of physical beauty will never define me.  I belong to something bigger than anybody’s standard of beauty.

That confidence is what carries me through.  Especially on days like today.  Of course, “today” is relative, because I blog days, sometimes weeks or months, in advance to when a post is published.  Today I saw a drop dead beautiful young woman.  I can say that completely heterosexually because you know what?  There are some naturally gorgeous people.  We all know it.  They seem physically flawless.  I saw this woman and that was when I knew it was over.

“What was over, Erika?”  The chorus eagerly echoes.

My chances with a boy.  Yup.  Life isn’t really all that different than it was last week, or last month, or last year.  I blog about relationships and sexuality and my [perpetually non-existent] love life.  Why?  Because it’s fun and I like writing and I think it’s better to share life’s normal ups and downs and maybe someone else out there feels the same but doesn’t know how to articulate it.  I don’t know.

Seeing this beauty who was killing my hopes reminded me of a conversation I’d had some months previously with some incredibly brilliant friends who presented me with a question about beauty I’ll present to all of you today: Are you beautiful?  Maybe it should be a statement: You’re not beautiful.  That’s what I wanted to title this blog post, just for the reactions, but often blog post titles get judged before they’re read, and this would be one of those (it was probably one of those anyways).

However, I think it’s a fair question.  How can I say that?  Beauty, like modesty, is a socio-cultural construct.  People have decided how it’s defined and there’s no set standard cross culturally.  You have just to look at any random, average looking couple and you can convince yourself that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.  Yet simultaneously there are some people that everybody could agree are the epitome of physical beauty.

That begs the second, necessary, question: Is the more beautiful person more valuable?

Of course not.  That’s why I can suggest I’m less beautiful than the beauty who knocked me out of the running.  Even the most dolled up I could be I would still lose next to her.

And that is a-okay.  Because my beauty is not my value.

Your beauty is not your value.

YOUR BEAUTY IS NOT YOUR VALUE.

YOUR BEAUTY IS NOT YOUR VALUE.

I cannot be more clear than that.  I think we need to shift our ideas of what should be the foundation of our confidence and it needs to be found in our value.  By extension, obviously, our value is found in Christ.  He defines us 100%.  And you know what, maybe the Creator didn’t make you to be the beauty queen.  This isn’t going to stop His plans for your life.  In fact, this isn’t going to stop you being single forever if He hasn’t purposed you to be.  Do you believe that?

I do.  I may have lost out this time, but that doesn’t mean I’m down and out for good.  Far from it.