Let’s Date More

by erika haveman

Is it just me, or in specifically the Christian world, do people not go on dates unless they think they can marry the other person? This is typically what I observe, and most people I talk to about dating (who are Christians) will often say, “I can’t go out with them because I don’t know if they’re someone I want to be with forever.” Well guess what? It’s your lucky day! Dates are actually meant for you to help figure out whether or not you want to spend more time with another person. In a perfect world I would love to see these 5 steps used loosely to help us relieve some of the “I can’t date you unless I know I want to marry you” pressure.

We’re just hanging out.
This is a phase that I feel like is more of a new concept. Let’s be real, things used to be that couples would “hang out” one on one only if they thought they could marry the other person. We hold onto this idea thanks to people like Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott whose timeless stories have painted us overly romanticized stories of women who have been pursued. While it’s not wrong to get lost in these beautiful stories, if you’re not fantasizing about them, I would suggest that in today’s world the first stage in the dating process is to hang out with the other person. This can be in groups but this can also casually be done one on one. At this stage try not to think about a forever with the other person. Just see them for who they are now, try to laugh with them and see if you can talk about pointless things and meaningful things. In this stage you’re simply figuring out if you want to go on a date with them.
We’re going on a date.
This doesn’t need to be a pressure filled event but this is where most of us seem to not go. All this stage entails is intentionally spending time one on one with the person of interest. This isn’t a marriage proposal, and I would suggest that either of you can do the initiating. See if they’re free for coffee – it doesn’t have to be a 3 course meal, just something light hearted that continues to allow you to see if you can laugh together and hold meaningful and pointless conversation. During the date phase, of which there can be more than one, you’re trying to figure out if you want to be in an exclusive relationship with the other person. When going on the date not only is it not a marriage proposal, it also shouldn’t be a commitment to being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s just coffee and seeing if maybe you can do more of life together – not all of life together, just more of it.
We’re in a relationship.
If the dates have gone well I suggest one of you initiate what has typically been known as the DTR – the “determining the relationship” conversation. I don’t think this has to be done by one specific person, but it should be done. If you’re feeling it, then initiate it! Live confidently! The worst that can happen is that you put your heart out there and it gets rejected – and then you build some character. This might sound terrifying for you, but I think we need to do more things that scare us. In this stage it should be clear that you are now someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend (not fiancé!) and you are trying to figure out if you want to be with the other person more long term. This stage maybe isn’t 3 course meals, but it’s more than coffee. There’s probably more meaningful conversations, but the laughter and pointless conversation should definitely still be there.
We’re walking towards marriage.
This also requires a conversation. Now, don’t get me wrong, for a lot of people the relationship + the walking towards marriage phase are pretty intertwined. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone until you’re ready to walk towards marriage with them that’s totally fine. But remember, then, this needs to be part of the conversation you’re having with them. I think the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is we don’t communicate what we’re feeling and thinking. Never expect the other person to be a mind reader. Once you’ve determined that you want to get married, then you’re probably intentionally planning your life together over not only coffee and dinner and mini golf, and maybe once a year there’s a 3 course meal, too.
We are married.
Probably there was an engagement before this, but by now you’re all in. This is the yes you’re giving to forever with someone. Step 1, 2, 3, and 4 are not the marriage. So stop putting pressure on yourself in any of those stages.

Ultimately I think the biggest flaw in Christian dating is the amount of assumptions we make towards one another. This can be the most hurtful thing because it usually holds us back from risking anything at all. We need to be more willing to just be open and have conversations, to tell someone we like them and to tell them just how much – or how much we’re unsure. As scary as this is, I think it would help us all, as believers so confident in Jesus but a lot less confident in each other, get more dates.

Unless you don’t want a date. Then keep going about your life like normal – just don’t complain about being single.