the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

I realize I’ve been silent for quite some time.  It’s not that Jesus hasn’t been.  I just have been.  Recently, however, I was absolutely humbled to meet a reader who shared with me that a number of my blogs had helped him through a season of his life.  I just have to say it is always a shock to me that anybody reads what I write.  God is truly amazing and why He would dare use a sinner such as myself is way beyond me.

Over the past little while I’ve been trying to stay fixated on the wonder of who God is.  It’s been random Bible verses calling me back to all of who Jesus is.  It’s been random thoughts that challenge me to embrace my present as opposed to think about my future.  It’s been hearing sermons following my train of thought when I wasn’t even planning on showing up to church.  God has just been proving Himself so faithful!  Again and again, time after time I question why He cares so much.  A lot of it has been so inspiring!  But then I get home from church or I get up after I read my Bible and rather than pull open my laptop to write I check my Facebook messages or if it has been enough hours for me collect my latest bonus on the myvegas app then I do that instead.  Enough of that nonsense.  Here’s to finding joy in the things God gifted me to find joy in.

So let’s start there.  What brings you joy?  What makes you squeal with delight?  What makes you feel like that kid you once were, with no inhibitions or fear of what someone would think of your reaction?  Do you remember that feeling?  When was the last time you felt that way?  When was the first time you remember feeling that way?

The most consistent and earliest joy filled memories I have are the short seconds it took for me to step onto the freshly cleaned sheet of ice at the local rink.  The sound as the blade sliced through the ice was peace and the first lap around was inexpressible comfort.  That cold arena made me feel alive, like I could accomplish anything.  Maybe I really could be the next Michelle Kwan or Tara Lipinksi.

Another memory I have when I knew sheer joy was one time when my dad took me for icecream.  I think the reason why he had taken me for icecream was because of some upset I had experienced.  We were camping – as we did every summer – and I had somehow missed out one day when a friend ran around the campground giving out icecream to all of our friends…except me.  Who knows where I was (probably creating my own world on a forest path somewhere), but I remember returning to everyone’s joy over their icecream Drumstick delivery…and hearing somebody ate the one for me because it was melting.  Fair enough, but my young reasonable mind begged the question, “Why didn’t someone put it in an icebox?”  Nobody had thought of that, apparently, and my hard shelled self cracked a little with sadness – and my dad noticed.  He made it up to me by sweeping me away a few days later to the tasty icecream shack down the road, which had way better icecream options than any old Drumsticks.  The joy of knowing my dad was thoughtful enough to treat me with such a gift was a joy that settled deep within my heart and was a building block of our relationship that only grew over the years.

More recently I can recount the joy of seeing the mountains in the valley where I live in Montana.  I remember driving down the highway for the first time, looking up and seeing a vast expanse of mountains set across a shimmering lake.  It looked like heaven on earth or something out of the clearest of dreams.  My heart was overwhelmed by the beauty and I could hardly believe something so incredible could exist this side of heaven.

But as most of us are aware our joys can sometimes last only a moment before life shifts into a new gear of normal.

I quit figure skating because it wasn’t cool.  I don’t think twice about rejecting my dad’s suggestions to go grab food together – it’s just easier if he went to get it and brought it home, right?  Now I drive by the lake and mountain view without noticing.  We forget the joys and opt for the accepted, easy, and monotonous.

But this is NOT how I believe God called us to live.  Romans 12:1 doesn’t say offer your body as an acceptable, easy, monotonous or even DEAD sacrifice.  NO!  It says offer your bodies as LIVING sacrifices!  And why would anybody do that?  Because JESUS Himself already covered the need for a sacrifice that brought death.  Now when we offer of ourselves it is only in response to the mercy of God.  Without God’s mercy we could not offer any of ourselves to begin with.  Without Jesus first taking care of death and bringing life it would be impossible for us to give anything to God at all.  Don’t you get it?  This life does NOT START with what YOU BRING to Jesus.  It STARTS with what Jesus has BROUGHT to you.  It starts with always remembering that we were and always will be the JOY set before HIM so He could endure the cross.

Sure, we get it.  But do we really?  How often do we ask, “Jesus, what can I give you?  What do I have for you?”  Usually we say, “Jesus, what can you give me?  How can you answer my prayer?  Will you answer my prayer?  What do you have for me, Jesus?”

We make it so much about ourselves, and this is flat out backwards.  If you’re offended – good!  Check back next week as I continue to expand on this idea.  And in the meantime, rediscover what brings you JOY.