“I was born this way, so I can act this way”

by erika haveman

At the missions organization where I work it seems like the conversations we’ve been getting into lately are surrounding marriage – or holy matrimony, I should say. The reality is marriage is no longer defined in our society as one man and one woman, and as Christians we need to meander through taking a gracious, yet truth filled, stance. You all know I’m an unattached woman who hopes to be married some day. But, of course, nobody can ever make me the promise that I won’t be single forever. I may never get married. I may never have sex. I may never get to come home to that one man who is my constant. I may never receive that kind of good gift from God. And, as I’ve expounded on before, I need to be okay with my “yes” always being Jesus.

I was listening to a fellow missionary talk about holy matrimony and sexuality and his thoughts sparked some inspiration in me. He was sharing his story, which includes a lot of social pressure to “be gay” simply because he’d always been interested in things like art and shoes. Socially in our culture I think this is a place where thoughts of homosexuality are sometimes birthed (this is not me suggesting being same sex attracted is a choice – but in the story I heard he explained being gay wasn’t something he had thought of until others suggested he “must be gay”). We have a concept in our brains, that has been wrought by culture, of what masculinity or femininity looks like, and if we do not fit that mould people around us will start wondering and classifying us as being interested in the same sex. That is a big part of what happened to this missionary who was sharing. People classified him as “not a man” because of his interests. In order to prove to himself, and likely others, that he was in fact a man [interested in women] he chose to have sex outside of marriage. All of this brought shame into his life. Eventually he found true freedom in Christ, and as a result shares his story in a God centred, honest and humble way. I felt so honoured to hear him share.

Some of the things he said struck really close to home with me. Elements of his story I felt overlapped with mine. I’ve never been thought of or perceived as homosexual (to my knowledge), but some of the things he said about what may be going through the mind of someone who does classify themselves as same sex attracted have gone through my mind.

Some of those thoughts are, “It’s just a matter of time until I give in because I was made this way,” and “I was born this way so I can act this way.”

Often we qualify these statements as something that is going through the mind of someone same sex attracted. But I would be careful to limit those thoughts to specific people when I think it’s actually something that probably goes through the mind of anybody who hopes for true intimacy with another individual.

Having dated but never been in a serious relationship I know what it feels like to think thoughts about just giving in and have sex with someone. I’m human and God created me, and all of us, with a desire for sex.

Brokenness tells us that sex should be available to all people at all times. God tells us sex is available within marriage. Brokeness tells us that because I’m born with a certain desire then I can act on it whenever I want. God tells us to live selflessly regardless of how we were born and only act on things that will glorify and honour God.

Real life: we may never get the good things we hope for. I may never get married. Does this, then, allow me to act a certain way? Does this permit me to go against God’s intentions for sex? Nope. Not at all.

It’s easy for us to start thinking God created us with some flaw. Trust me, I wonder all the time what kind of glaring flaws I must have that dictate why I must still be single. I’m probably too direct, too intimidating, too confident, too tall, too bold, too loud, too much of a dreamer, too boring, too home-ish, too Dutch…I could keep going. But what good does it do any of us to focus on our “flaws”? My only goal in life, my only comfort in life and in death, should be that I belong in body and soul to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ (taken from Lord’s Day 1 of the Heidelberg Catechism).

Jesus needs to be my all encompassing focus. It sounds cliche, but truth often does. Applying truth is the hard part. Living daily with Jesus as my focus is the hard part. I’m so easily distracted by how I feel and what I want and what I think I deserve. In looking at these things, which often include the thoughts being born with certain desires and whether or not I should just give in, I’ve got my eyes off Jesus. Refocusing is a constant demand and we each need to figure out how we best refocus.

For me it really helps to talk things out. To be real with someone and tell them what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, what I’m wanting. And it helps if that friend doesn’t just “aww…I’m sorry!” about it but offers genuine discipleship in return. Receiving discipline in love is how we can grow and get our eyes back on Jesus. It’s in submitting to Him we find our identity and can therefore respond by acting the way were truly born.

What are things in your life you need to turn away from to get your eyes on Jesus? I know it’s not easy. I know it feels like the worst thing in the world to submit to never getting what we want. But is Jesus worth it? It’s the hard question we need to ask ourselves again and again and always be willing to say “yes” to.