by erika haveman
If you don’t already know the details of my story, now you will. I’ve been pretty unashamed to share my story for a few years when I’m in real life with people, but for some reason I know I’ve held back on my blog. Today is the day that stops.
When I started to follow Jesus seriously my struggle with pornography hit it’s lowest and most difficult point. Weeks before I would teach on grace or lecture on a book like Romans I would make bad choices and experience waves of shame. I’d want to give up. Didn’t following Jesus mean that all of the brokenness of my past was gone? Where was the freedom that Christ has set me free for? Where was my new life in Jesus? Was I not a new creation?
I’m going to take a guess and suggest (as I often do) that I’m not the only woman out there who has felt the shame of their sexual past, whether that’s been in watching pornography or living promiscuously with lots of guys or even sleeping with their committed boyfriend on occasion.
A sad reality about growing up in a Christian culture is this unspoken idea that women aren’t sexual, or at least they would never deal with the “lusts of the flesh” like men do. The unfortunate thing is they do because they are equally human, and their shame compounds even more greatly because nobody talks about the choices they’re making.
At least this was my experience. And I really don’t want it to be the next girl’s just because I’m too close lipped to talk about it. That’s really dumb and lame. But in thinking about things I started to wonder – why do good girls watch porn? Watching is always a choice, so first of all you need to own that to find grace. You cannot defer to anything or anyone as a reason why you watch. That choice was on you. That choice was on me. But why do girls watch porn? Here’s a couple of my thoughts.
1. Girls are sexual.
Surprise, surprise. I’m not suggesting that girls therefore have a right to express their sexuality in ways that are unbecoming and outside of what God intends. I think a lot of girls are never exposed to healthy sexuality because there’s a fear, dare I suggest in the church, that says if you talk to young people about sex they’ll start having sex. I think we need to talk about sex because teenagers are curious about sex and I’d rather the Jesus loving people be talking to them about it because otherwise you’ll get porn offering them sex education. We could probably all agree that porn isn’t reality, yet we assume that our “good kids” won’t watch that and learn from it, so we don’t talk about it. We need to learn how to engage with what the Bible says about sexuality – and we need to be sure to teach about it IN context!
2. Girls need to know their value.
One of the reasons I turned to porn consistently was a result of not knowing my value. I just assumed, from a young age, that I was only valuable if I was desirable to men. Women in porn were incredibly attractive, and men clearly wanted them. I wanted to learn from those women and be as wanted by men as them. It wasn’t a thought that actually makes sense, but somehow seeing those women made me believe the lie that expressing beauty strictly through sexuality was what made a woman valuable – and all I wanted was to know I was worth something. I think this is the same reason why any girl sleeps with a guy she doesn’t care about. It just so happens that with porn you don’t have to sleep with anybody but yourself, if you know what I mean (which is just as much an outside of marital relationship, not intended by God, experience that shouldn’t be had).
Anybody who knows Jesus and has come through, or is going through, issues with porn or promiscuity have got to start talking. The only way I’ve found true freedom in my life is by talking about my issues and wrestling through my awkward questions with people who I could trust. And believe me, there are people in your life who you can trust. There are also people you don’t need to trust – know this too. If you’re not comfortable talking about this with specific people then you don’t have to. There are people in my life I don’t want to talk to about this so I won’t (which, yes, I recognize is ironic since I know they may read my blog). But don’t just tell someone who won’t keep you accountable. Share with someone who will be willing to ask you the hard, awkward questions.
You are in Christ and you are being made new. You are new creation and you can live in freedom. God is teaching me more and more what it means to submit to Him when my healthy sexual desires make themselves known in my body. What do I mean by healthy sexual desire? You’ll have to tune in next week to read my thoughts on that!
the rambling missionary 