by erika haveman
Last week I finished the post about healthy sexual desire by suggesting that sex isn’t a need like food and water are. Sometimes it may feel like it though. But ultimately, as I was certainly insinuating last week, sex is a desire.
Unfortunately, as I’ve said elsewhere before, our sexual desire does not know whether I’m married or not, so I’m probably definitely going to want sex even in an unattached state.
Speaking from the professional opinion of an overly experienced unmarried woman – experience at being unmarried, not at sex. I’ve never had sex. But I’m here to say it again: sex is not a need. Don’t get me wrong, though, because I do believe in marriage it is important [of great significance or value]. I can see how some would say it is a need in marriage – but I would probably suggest intimacy, full vulnerability of being known, is the essential. But I won’t get into that quite today.
Without eating, you die. Food is a need. Without water, you die. Water is a need. Without clothes, you walk around naked. Clothes are a need. Without a roof over your head, you risk sickness, disease, loneliness. A home is a need. These are things that we’d all agree are basic human needs, and we fight for these things to become reality for people that don’t have access to them.
Without sex (or sexual release), you get frustrated. Without sex, you get irritated. Without sex, you cry. Without sex, you become Godzilla on steroids. But most importantly, without sex, you don’t die. (Again, I understand that without true intimacy in a marriage, which often incorporates sex, then the marriage will likely suffer).
Look. This is just me, but I want to try and live my life according to the only definitive words of God I have – Scripture. Nowhere in the Bible is it made evident that I’m supposed to consider sex a need. The closest I get is Paul telling the singles ladies to get married if they’re burning with desire. Burning with desire. Since when do I get all my desires? And is a desire a need? If that’s the case, where’s my Audi? my cabin by the lake? my husband? my green bank account? Desires aren’t needs, so let’s stop confusing them.
What about the fact that guys brains are visually wired, and hey God did that, and they need to act on those urges?
Okay cool. What’s the point of self control, then? Why is that listed as a fruit of the Spirit?
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we’re called to lay down our lives as the smallest expression of Jesus going to the cross and then resurrecting from the grave. Laying down one’s life means giving up my desires. Simply put, I’m called to live selflessly. Last time I checked, selflessness had nothing to do with getting my desires taken care of.
When I’m living selflessly – genuinely selflessly – I’m looking at the thing I desire, hope for, pray for, and I say, “God I trust that you’ll provide that in Your time,” knowing that His time may be never. I may never have sex, sexual release, or orgasm ever again. Am I okay with this?
Allow a moment for the crickets to string together their sad, sorry song.
Yes. Yes I am okay with no sex ever. Why? Because Jesus.
He’s worth more than any pleasure that this world could ever offer to me. He’s already done everything I could ever need: He’s given me life everlasting that started long before I was born. It began the second He thought of my design – the quirks I’d have, my eye colour, the fashion choices I’d make – and woe be on some of those.
But you’ve tasted the pleasure and it’s God designed and how can you live without something God created? Well let me take you back to the start. Sex is not the be all and end all of what God created you for. Seriously, your sexuality is not the end of your being, nor is it the start.
One of my male, married friends said to me, “If God didn’t give us attraction, I’d never want to procreate.” Spot on, my friend. If I was never sexually attracted to men I’d never want to marry one of them and by extension never want to help fulfill the mandate of creation to multiply (you know…if I can. That ball is totally in God’s court). Attraction, which is part of your sexual functions, is not wrong. It’s necessary, and great, actually. But taking action on that attraction needs wisdom and discernment. When I’m turned on, I need to know what to do with that reaction. Married or unmarried. Correct me (graciously) if I’m wrong, but just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re going to be turned on all the time, nor does it mean if you are feeling sexually charged there is a guarantee of release. This is, again, where selflessness needs to be already apparent.
If I’m married, and oh hey I’m all hot and bothered, does my husband have the obligation to have sex with me? Nope. Now should his desire be to help my fulfill my desires? Yup. And more than obviously that goes the other way, too. In a marriage, you work for mutual fulfillment – am I right? Or am I wrong? But this still doesn’t make sex a need (though, again, in marriage it does make it really important).
A truth a young, female married friend of mine shared with me was that marriage was hyped up to be this place where sex would always be wanted and needed. She was surprised to learn that sex is simply a part of married life – a very pleasurable, amazing, mind-blowing (once you work your way up to that) part of married life, but just one aspect nonetheless. Marriage seems to be a lot more about something to the tune of living selflessly.
So no, you don’t need sex. You need to live selflessly.
the rambling missionary 