the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

 

My whole life I’ve had the mindset that if I want something I need to do something about it.

When I was in high school I wanted to study overseas.  I was told that if I wanted to do such a thing I needed to get a job and pay my way to that experience.  My first job, at 15, was working a thrift store, and I worked there until I turned 17 and hopped on a plane to move to Holland for a semester of my life.  I wanted to go, I made a way.

When I was 22 I wanted my own car and I wanted it brand new – mostly because I know nothing about cars and if I bought it new I’d know exactly whatever went wrong with it and it’d be my fault.  I wouldn’t have to guess at the malfunction and I couldn’t blame a previous owner.  I did tons of (okay some) research, calling multiple dealers and haggling to see who’d give me the best deal.  I wanted the car, I got the car.

At 23 I wondered how I’d ever find a husband.

Pause for a disclaimer: in my early 20s I was so content being single.  I anticipated being single for a long time while I established my life and career and then maybe I’d settle down if I met the right guy.  Then, at 22, I met a guy and I found myself attracted to him and admiring of him and I started to really like him and it even got me thinking maybe marriage wouldn’t be so bad to do before I was totally settled.  Things didn’t work out with him back then – or now, ironically – but I can see how that experience of realizing I’d like to be married shifted my focus in a way I hadn’t been expecting.

So, at 23, I determined to get myself out there and within a week found myself on a date.  It was a date that included the guy last minute inviting his friend – we were going snowboarding – but still: awkward!  I tried to make an excuse about needing to go home to tighten my bindings halfway through the evening because I could tell things were not going well, but he proceeded to fix the bindings.  After, when we sat down to chat, our conversation progressed and I found my inner voice saying, “what did you ask him?” because he had somehow got talking about life forms on other planets and how that effects theology – or something?

That first, awful, date at 23 kickstarted the good ol’ “if you want it ya gotta do something about it” mindset.  I’m now 31 and since then I’ve found myself either on dates, dating, or online dating somewhere around a dozen guys (though only on one occasion did those things overlap).  I’ve believed in putting myself out there and I’ve believed that women can initiate.  While I still believe it’s good to put yourself out there and there’s nothing wrong with initiating I think I’ve been seeing a distinction between initiating and continuing to pursue.  I really don’t think women were ever intended to “pursue” in romantic relationship.  God is a God of order.  I do not at all want to be misunderstood to suggest that women don’t have authority with the Word of God (obviously I believe they do or else I wouldn’t dare expand on Scripture ever) or that they aren’t capable religious leaders (look to all the women Jesus raised up in Luke and the often mentioned women in Paul’s letters who are evidently leading churches) but the dynamic of men and women as potentially more than friends should demand us to pause and consider God’s intention for such a relationship – and even beg the question can men and women be “friends”?  But that, specifically, is another blog for another who-knows-when time.

In Genesis 2 we read the creation narrative about mankind.  God places man (the Hebrew word for “man” here is distinctly masculine) in the garden and gives him his purpose.  God sets him to work and establishes the man, gives the man confidence to live out his God given identity as much as possible (Gen. 2:15-17).  Then God remarks it is not good for man to be alone so a suitable helper must be found (Gen. 2:18).  After sifting through every living creature on earth (not an overnight process, take note; Gen. 2:19-20) God puts the man to sleep (this is also a time element to consider) before creating woman and presenting her to the man (Gen. 2:21-22).

A few things to note:

1. It took time to establish man; his trajectory and clear God given goals didn’t just happen.  There was day and night in the world at this point (Gen. 1:8) and I cannot imagine it took man one try to get gardening down (2:15) as there was a LOT to learn how to maintain (2:9-14) and naming all the animals of the earth was not a quick or an easy process (2:20).  Yes, that is my interpretation – I’m not here to talk 7 day creation as literal or figurative, but what I do know is working on a farm is a lot of work and after several years I still don’t know things.  I understand this was a perfect world, but even when it became imperfect it’s still clear there was work (if there wasn’t work before then there’d be no need to clarify that now it will include the sweat of man’s brow in 3:19) and there’s nothing to suggest that Holy Spirit was making man have super powers when it came to maintaining creation.  So feel free to push back on my interpretations, I am open to being wrong.  The point is in God’s order God establishes man with his purpose first.
2. It was only after man was “done” “understanding” his position that God ushered woman onto the scene.

I put “done” and “understanding” in quotations because those words sound finite but you can bet that man was still learning, still establishing, still growing – but it’s in his growth, his need to be cared for that God brought forth woman to help him.

I’ve encountered a very real conviction (invitation) recently that I functioned out of order with a man and in the process I got hurt and I imagine I also did some hurting.  I initiated, but in my attempt to find safety, to understand vulnerability, to care with genuine authenticity I stepped ahead and pursued.  I didn’t recognize that God may be doing something in the man before me that was indicative of both of us not being ready.

I thought because we had kept in touch over several years and had once upon a time (at 22) probably been interested in each other that things between us would work out with the average amount of speed bumps all people encounter as they meander from friends to possibly more than friends.

I could not have been more wildly wrong – and it’s only after all fell apart that I encountered this conviction that I functioned out of order.  Before you feel sorry for me know that I don’t say this to self condemn: God has been doing deep heart work in me, cultivating my inner life with reckless and beautiful intentionality for years, and I’m not at all surprised and while it is painful I’m so grateful.

I’ve got more to expand on but I’ll stop there for today.

But what do you think? Do you think there is a clear order in the Creation narrative? I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments below!