the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

Last fall I took some holidays and drove farther west, visiting some friends around Seattle. While visiting a couple who have grown to become some of my closest friends over the past 7 years I discovered the wife had a younger brother.  I had no idea he even existed.

Don’t get excited: this story is not about how I moved from functioning out of order with the most amazing guy to functioning in order with a new guy and now I’m being pursued and fairy tales and flying unicorns do actually exist.  Yeah…this is not about that.

One night these friends and I were sitting around and she informed me her brother had told her he’s going to look for a wife in 2021 when he’s done building his house (he’s in real estate/flips houses/is a contractor/real Chip Gaines like).  When she told me about his simple plan I laughed out loud and lamented how unfair it is that a man can make that kind of statement and he’ll probably get away with it.  I went on to say she should pit me against her brother starting January 1, 2021 and see who finds a spouse first.  He’ll win.  Any guy can set his mind to marrying and he’ll find a wife and start that part of his life.  A woman can set her mind to finding a husband and rarely does she see it work out.  Why?  I can only conclude it’s got something to do with God’s order – and while the fall of mankind did not help either gender it seems the woman received a “relational” curse while man received a “purpose” curse.  Let me explain.

Genesis 3:16b states that a woman’s “desire will be for her husband and he will rule over her.”  I’m sure I’ve talked about this verse before on my blog, but ultimately I think what this means is rather than a woman finding confidence and patience to wait to be presented to her husband in God’s timing (Gen. 2:22) she’ll now find it hard to wait and she’ll move when it’s not her turn, trying to lead and putting on pressure without realizing it.  She’ll put her value in who she is in relation to a man over and above her identity in Christ.

For the man God made it clear his work will now be toilsome and difficult, a much slower process than originally intended (Gen. 3:17-19).  This means he’s going to probably find himself struggling to know his purpose, he’ll wrestle his way to finding confidence in what he does and beyond that he’ll probably find himself allowing his career path to define his identity, keeping people at an arms length because it’s scary to let people in when you don’t know what you’re doing with your life.  I have seen this to be true in male friends for whom I have mad respect.  One most earnestly shared this with me last summer as we sat together on his front lawn, he in real pain over his reality that he couldn’t find work.  My heart never broke more for him then when he looked me in the eye and, with a cracked voice, said, “Do you understand that a man’s identity is wrapped up in what he does?  And when no business will even give me an interview do you realize what that does to me?”

I know married couples who have struggled in their marriages because the man is seeking and searching and yearning – for years – to discover his “purpose”.  He’s toiling in the fields, by the sweat of his brow, trying to make a life for himself but there is already a woman (and now often children) at home who are depending on him – and he feels lost.  He can’t be the husband he wants to be because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Meanwhile the wife is wondering why her husband doesn’t value her, love her the way she deserves or pursues her the way he did before they were married (when everything was new and exciting).  And it’s all because neither took time to establish themselves before God – they both walked out of order.

As much as I am upset things didn’t work out with the guy I referenced last week I’m also so grateful for the lessons I’m learning.  Realistically I can’t speak to where he’s at – for all I know he is confident in his purpose and I really was just not attractive to him and that’s why things didn’t work out (which would be totally okay).  But I do believe that I pressured him, and at the time I did so unknowingly which makes me even more aware now of how out of order I was.  While I knew I wasn’t ready to start a committed relationship with him I knew the direction I wanted to go.  I did want to get to know him and go on adventures with him and build a real friendship with him, but I also know now I leaned hard into “your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you” and I moved in “if I want this I gotta do something about it.”  I failed in balancing my desires with God’s order and process of waiting to be presented.

As much as I might like to resent my friend’s brother for making such a statement that he’s going to find a wife in 2021 he’s actually reflecting the creation narrative of man having confidence in his purpose and place in life and for that he actually has my respect.  He’s really got me wondering what this means for me as a woman.  If in perfection it was about man establishing himself in his purpose and about woman waiting to be presented to man (which is also the narrative for Isaac and Rebekah, by the way) then I guess my job is to wait patiently for God to have His way.

That is scary.  That is terrifying.  That is confusing.  It’s wildly bizarre to me to think that I will do next to nothing (please don’t misunderstand me and think I’m suggesting women should “play hard to get” because that is not what I’m saying) and find myself the object of someone’s very real affections.  I’ve always been told your dream guy won’t just show up on your doorstep.

But as it turns out doing something about it myself has never worked – not for a single one of the guys I’ve ever dated or gotten close to dating.  Obviously.  So maybe I need a new tactic.  And that “tactic” is waiting.  If waiting means never getting married then I guess I will learn to receive that reality, but at least in waiting and existing I know I won’t be functioning out of order.  I would much rather submit to God than to myself.  And who knows?  Maybe fairy tales and unicorns are real and he will knock on my door.  I’m beyond skeptical.  But here’s to making waiting the new initiating.