by erika haveman

It was over – again.  The hope, unspoken, barely admitted, though thoroughly wrestled through, fell away like it had so often done before.  As usual there was someone more beautiful who was going to win.

“But Erika, you are beautiful!” I can hear you say.

Thank you, you are kind.  I may even believe you.  I may even convince myself that my other friend speaks true when she says I have a “hot bod.”  But the compliments fall flat when you aren’t the most beautiful (or simply aren’t a words of affirmation person, like myself).  It’s not that I think I’m offensive looking by any means.  You’ve maybe read in other blogs of mine that I’ve on occasion seen my reflection in a mirror and begged the question, “How am I single!?”  Regardless of how I feel about myself, my confidence doesn’t make me, physically, the most beautiful.  There are other people who take that trophy.  Several thousand, actually, without fail or any effort of their own. Continue reading “I’m not Beautiful: An Average Girl’s Perspective on Beauty”

Guest Post by Anna Kate

For me, beauty used to be a HUGE problem in my life. It honestly held me back from a closer relationship with God until He showed me the following 3 things:

BEAUTY IS A TOOL

Beauty is a tool. I believe that it is a gift from God that we can utilize to make good first impressions, please our spouses, create art, attract mates, and much more.

Using beauty as a tool means taking on beauty as a responsibility. Beauty can be used for good, or for evil.

I think that as women, we can embrace our femininity at the appropriate times, gussy up, and look beautiful. We can do this to honour God, honour our spouse, and honour ourselves.

But I also think beauty can be used for evil. I believe that we should never, absolutely never, exploit our beauty for personal gains. I see nothing wrong with putting on an extra coat of eye liner and teasing your hair before your big date, but we should never use our beauty to manipulate other people, get out of taking responsibility for our mistakes, or to seduce the eye of men. Continue reading “I Am Beautiful: A Bombshell Girl’s Perspective on Beauty”

by erika haveman

There’s an opening scene in an episode of Friends where Phoebe asks Rachel and Chandler, who is dating Monica, if they believe in soulmates. Rachel promptly answers that she does, and in order for people to find their soulmate they need to stop looking for them.  She adds, “This is why I’ve stopped looking for Russell Crowe.  He’ll find me.”  While I have maybe applied this line to my own life to get some laughs I am admittedly much more of a Chandler, who responds, “I believe certain people are more suited for each other, and I believe in falling in love, but soulmates, I don’t think they exist.”

What’s funny is the episode unfolds to reveal the man Phoebe is dating is a man Phoebe believes to be Monica’s soulmate – effectively making Chandler anxious that he’ll lose Monica.  All is made well at the end of the episode when Chandler finally asks Monica if she believes in soulmates, to which she affirms she does not, relieving Chandler of the unnecessary stress of the previous 20 minutes.

I would have to agree with Monica and Chandler: soulmates are a nice idea, but unrealistic.  I’m sure the Friends never actually thought too much about it, but I would go one step farther and suggest that to believe in soulmates would be dangerous.  Why?  Funny you should ask, because I have 3 reasons for you!

Continue reading “Stop Believing in The One”

by erika haveman

When I wrote “Nobody Actually Wants to Watch Porn,” I questioned myself (as I often do) when I suggested that, “… I felt confirmed my theory that we as people are seeking a thrill or an ecstasy that makes us feel satisfied, believing that the temporary high is good enough.”  What got me thinking was this idea of the temporary high.  What is it that makes us settle for the temporary rather than holding out for the eternal – especially when it comes to hook ups and the culture surrounding relationships these days?

I read a Snapchat story one day that offered readers “9 Subtle Signs He’s Into You.”  I thought it’d be ridiculous (which it was) but my natural curiosity led me to read the article anyways (although it was a video with words…so I’m still unsure if I read the article or watched it..).  I think I read it because I’d recently had a conversation with a friend about how you can’t read into anything a guy does or says when you’re interested in him.  My mentor once told me that if I wanted to see red, I’d see red all over the place.  Same goes if I like a guy.  If I want him to like me back I’ll be able to read into everything he does as something that suggests he’s actually into me.  This is devastating and unhealthy.  Usually when a guy says “hey, how are you?” he’s not meaning anything beyond, “hey, how are you?” so don’t read into it as, “this must be a DTR!”  I think I recently mentioned how I’d received a message from a guy I’ve harboured a secret (and at times not so secret, depending on who you are) crush on and he just said, “What’s up I miss you!” after a few months of not talking.  Obviously I took this as his admission of attraction.  But after that initial shock, and completely incorrect reaction, settled down I realized that he’s just being a nice guy who misses a friend he made.  There’s nothing to it.  It was just more of the colour red. Continue reading “You’re Worth More Than a Temporary High”

by erika haveman

There’s a trend amongst my unmarried friends I’m starting to observe.  Admittedly one that’s reflected in myself as well.  It’s not just a fear of missing out.  I can’t imagine it’s a fear of commitment.  But maybe it’s some weird combination of both.

I tend to encounter a lot of young people (no, just unmarried people – they aren’t necessarily young) these days who are afraid to simply express their attraction to someone of the opposite sex because they “don’t know where there life is going.”  This happens a lot in the circles of missionaries that my life tends to revolve around.

I get it.  I’ve been there.  I don’t know what’s next so I didn’t go on that date.

Why did I let that hold me back?  Was I scared that if I admitted “I like you,” and he returned the kindness that I would hinder God’s plans for his future?  Would the conversation be too hurtful for both parties if the feelings weren’t mutual?  What if the guy likes me but then God calls me to live in a hut in a closed nation and I have to surrender my new found love for a life of squalor?

Continue reading “Don’t Let Your Unknown Future Paralyze Your Present Possibility for Relationship”

by erika haveman

I’ll just be straight because that’s what I do: nobody actually wants to watch porn or even have a random hook up.  People want what happens when you watch porn or have sex: pleasure.  And we all think we can find pleasure through means that were never intended to truly satisfy.

I started to think this a while ago as I contemplated why people watch pornography or hook up when there is no true human connection.  We crave to be known, yes, but the cheap counterfeit of being known is being had for a moment in time.  I soon after heard a story on the radio that I felt confirmed my theory that we as people are seeking a thrill or an ecstasy that makes us feel satisfied, believing that the temporary high is good enough.

Continue reading “Nobody Actually Wants to Watch Porn”

by erika haveman

What I realized as I walked away from cute guy at the wedding was that even if he had enough integrity to not just want me for sex he also didn’t seem to care to pursue, even though he’d shown interest throughout the evening.  I don’t believe he wanted me just for sex.  At one point he had made a comment about a guy who lived in his building who was always bringing a new woman home and how that’s just not his lifestyle.  He never expanded on that and I never thought to ask more about it.  This is why second dates are always needed: there’s always more to learn.  Anyway.  I digress.

What really struck me was how in many ways culture has almost emasculated men to suggest to them that they don’t need to pursue women any more.  He doesn’t have to ask for a woman’s number because the woman will come to him.  It’s sad becuase I think that’s right.  I can’t tell you how many times in the first few days after the wedding that I wanted to creep him down and message him on Facebook, or text my newlywed friends and encourage them to give him my number.

Continue reading “Is The Pursuit Dead? [Part 2]”

by erika haveman

Here’s what I’d like to know – probably again as I’ve probably asked this question before.  What happened to the pursuit?  Even the playing hard to get?  Has all of that disappeared?  Did I miss something?  Am I really as Grandma as everyone says I am?

I was travelling from Abbotsford to Hamilton with a layover in Winnipeg recently.  I only had about 30 minutes between flights but knew that I wanted food.  I trudged down the concourse to find the Starbucks which was a few minutes walk from my departing gate.  I really wanted either a panini or fruit.  When I got to the Starbucks it had neither.  They had lemon raspberry cake or bagels – not quite what I had been craving.  As I stood there debating what to do, knowing I had limited time (my flight was already boarding) an attractive young man walked up.  I promptly tell him to go ahead of me as I’m stuck as to what kind of decision to make.  We strike up a conversation and he’s clearly flirting.  I don’t mind.  I took it as it came, settled on a Chai latte, then hurried back to, unsurprisingly, be the last person to board my flight. He was flying to Saskatoon so all my hopes for a future date with this tall, blonde haired, blue eyed prince would be held on hold at that Starbucks in YWG.

Continue reading “Is The Pursuit Dead? [Part 1]”