dearest friends.

As many of you are aware I’ve been wrestling with the concept of modesty for the past several months.  It was a happy coincidence that the assignment for my final paper in my Teaching Scripture class this past summer was basically, “choose a topic and write about what the Bible says about it.”  It took me a couple days to think of something, and when I did I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier.  Of course I should look at modesty.  I’d only been having conversations with everyone I came in contact with about the subject!  I continued to seek out people’s thoughts and wisdom, I read countless blogs and of course I got in to Scripture.  I won’t say much as I’ll be posting my final thoughts in a few different increments and I don’t want to give it all away in this intro, but I will say, for the record, when you type in “modest” into your search bar at Bible Gateway you get back 2 results (if you’ve searched with the NIV).  They are the following:

1. “…and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty,…” – 1 Corinthians 12:23.  This text is taken from the passage that’s talking about unity and diversity in the body of Christ, and how each member has a certain role to play.  In it Paul is trying to make a point that everybody has a role to play in the Church, big or small, seemingly strong or seemingly weak, all have value.  His comparison is to our physical bodies, trying to explain to us that even though one part of our body may not seem valuable it is actually invaluable, and that just because some parts of our bodies are not shown off all the time it does not make them terrible, but in fact we need to treat them with special care, or to use his word, modesty.  By extension you could argue that Paul is telling us we need to not wear bikini’s, but that’s getting more specific than I think as ever intended, and I’ll be honest and say that I think that is stretching the truth and twisting what Paul is actually trying to teach the church.

2. “I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” – 1 Timothy 2:9-10.  Usually when I hear this passage I only hear v.9, and the part about what I should wear is cut off.  Interesting that this text doesn’t say, “I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with clothes that cover their bodies in a way that don’t tempt men.”  Which is often what seems to be suggested.  For those of you who may not have known, let me try to educate for a minute.  Paul brings this up to women, using the wording in v.9 as he does because 1. prostitutes in the day generally wore clothing of this nature – they dressed in a way that would make them stand out more than any other woman (there is a likely another blog I could do just on that, but for now that’s not quite where I’m going), and than any other prostitute.  2. We often focus so much on the words following “modestly” that we rarely take time to consider how the word is actually being used here – which is to suggest to women that they not spend a lot of money on what they wear.  I hope that makes sense.  Now, I find it interesting that what women are charged with “wearing” isn’t clothes at all, but with good deeds.  It seems to me that Paul wants women to ensure that their actions are what is noticed.  If you’re a prostitute, your actions are strictly sexual and you make your money by sleeping around.  Paul didn’t want women who were seeking the Lord and submitting to their husbands to be confused with prostitutes.  He wanted women to be known for their hearts – their kindness, their charity, their love, their compassion, etc…  He knew that people would watch these women of Godly husbands and knew it would be a testimony to God’s goodness if these women presented themselves in a way that was respectable and honourable.

Side note for all you single ladies: you never know who is watching you, so I encourage you to always be wearing good deeds.  Allow people to see your heart in the way you carry yourself.  I have come across women before that with me are incredibly lovely, sweet and lighthearted.  But then I witness the way they treat other people, maybe a family member or a stranger, and there’s this whole other woman I didn’t know was there – and it’s just not attractive!  Carry yourself in a way that you are the same woman to the people you loathe the most and the people you love the most.  If you are seeking a man of God, he will notice and value that in you.   Just sayin’.

Alright.  That’s all I am going to say on those passages, and I only brought them up because I did not use them once in what you are about to read (I don’t think), and I thought I would throw that out there right away so you understood why I didn’t use them.

I also want to throw out a HUGE thank to all of you who have helped me with this final product and have assisted me in making these conclusions.  I could not have done this without your vulnerability and honesty in sharing, your patience and empathy as I lingered in confusion, and your dedication to being my friend.  Thank you HEAPS – there have been too many of you to name.  You are wonderful.

Enjoy my heart (and hey, feel free to disagree, just try not to do so by splatting my heart against a brick wall :))

The Issue
This whole modesty thing has been driving me crazy for months.  In fact it is still making my head spin, regardless of the fact that I have come to a conclusion and have a much stronger personal conviction of what it is all about.  No longer do I get this cringing sense of annoyance when I hear that the only reason to cover up is “because you should not cause your brother to sin.”  After lots of praying, reading of books and blogs and countless conversations with friends from every walk of life, I have concluded that modesty is not just about something that we wear, as much as it is often relegated to in Christian circles, but it is about being completely selfless and respecting the life that God has given you.  Of course, for the sake of what I was researching it did have a lot to do with what we wear and how we conduct ourselves, specifically as women, so that is the focus that I will be taking.  In regards to dress I think there is a lot of spill over into considering our sexuality and how to value this aspect of life God has provided.  However, we most commonly talk about modesty as if it has nothing to do with our sexuality, but as a disconnected “something” that we must adhere to in order to be “Good Christian Women.”  As if to say that because I have long legs, certain clothes are inappropriate and it is solely my duty and responsibility to keep every man around me from sinning.  You’ll sometimes hear the term “Modesty Doctrine” thrown around, but you’ll quickly realize that this has nothing to do with men and the way they conduct themselves. 
I believe there has got to be a two way street here, but rarely do we consider it as such.  However, since I am not a man I struggle with how I could articulate this topic for men, as, from what I perceive, our culture has narrowed it to being a female issue.  As Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty says, “Women who dress and act “modestly” conduct themselves in ways that shroud their sexuality in mystery.”  I could not have manufactured a better definition if I wanted to, and so I will often reference this statement as what I believe modesty should be about when we use the term in respect to dress.
   
The Beginning
    It all started after I read an article I read in June entitled, “The Bikini Question.”  I could not resist responding to a write up where the only argument for not wearing a bikini to the beach was to protect the guys around us.  In the response on my blog I wrote that I agree with that to a certain extent, but for me to take that one single argument and to stop there would not be fair to men or women.  It would not be fair to men because I do not think this gives them enough credit.  It suggests that lust happens in about 1.5 seconds and that men cannot stop it.  It also suggests men are animals that cannot control their “fleshly desires” and must “attack their prey” without any thought.  With this mindset it takes away men’s responsibility and leaves women with the burden of controlling every man’s mind – which frankly cannot be done.  Women can never dress in any one way that will stop a man (or men) from lusting after them.  From covered up to dressed right down, if a man wants his mind to go there, he can get his mind to go there.  That is just the unfortunate truth.  And as I typed madly away on my keys I thought how people would respect my ideals and consider me correct, and that this blog entry would end the modesty argument and provide the most solid reason for covering up.  My mindset and thought that I trailed on about was how we need to dress in a way that honours other wives if someday we hope to be a wife and want our husbands eyes to be for us alone.  I published the blog and shut down my laptop, feeling pretty accomplished for one evening.
    The following weekend I was driving to a cottage with a dear friend when we got on the topic of my blogging.  I shared what I had recently written about and how I was sure I finally figured this whole issue out and could shut the door on it once and for all.  I confidently shared, and paused when I finished, waiting for the head nod and enthusiastic agreement I was hoping for.  Finally my friend responded with, “Yeah, I pretty much disagree with everything you just said.”  I was flabbergasted!  Having been cut so deeply to me core I cannot, now, even recall my response.  I probably ended up asking her to explain, and so explain she did.  She did not quite articulate her stance in a way that was making sense – consider it a blind spot at the time – and we got to the cottage all in good time, having shifted conversation significantly after the modesty talk ended in a state of slight confusion on my part.  I got home after the weekend and watched a short talk given by Jessica Rey that somebody shared on Facebook, and that I quickly shared with my friend, trying to enforce my perfectly right opinion on her again.  In the video Jessica said, “Modesty isn’t about covering up our bodies because they’re bad, modesty isn’t about hiding ourselves… it’s about revealing our dignity.”  I was sure this would be the end and I could rest assured knowing my opinion rang truth.  She once again responded and pointed out the flaws in this woman’s thinking in the rest of the video and provided me with several resources of blogs I could read that had shaped her thinking on the topic of modesty.
    I was annoyed.  I did not like being wrong.  Yet…there was something about all of this that was not going away.  In my initial blogged response to the bikini article I ended by saying, “I will likely have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) in the future.”  I thought that had been the end of the story and my thoughts on modesty, but God clearly had another plan.

The First Couple
I have a strong conviction that modesty is not just about me, but about me and God.  I also strongly believe that if a woman desires to be married, that relationship is extended to include her husband (future or current). I say this because the first person we meet in Scripture is a man named Adam, who God quickly states will not do any well on his own, so He forms woman out of man.  Genesis is also quick to point out that not only shall a man leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they shall become one flesh, but it is also mentions that they were naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).  The Bible does not need to point out either of these two latter things, yet it seemed relevant to assure readers that Adam and Woman had freedom to not wear anything and to not experience embarrassment over it.  That did not last long as shortly Adam and Woman ate the fruit the serpent tempted them to consume.  I find it interesting that the first ever story of sin makes us aware of the shame and guilt they experienced, specifically in their nakedness.  It is also fascinating to read on and see that the first physical act God took in caring for His loves was to replace the insufficient loincloths Adam and Woman, now Eve, had sewn together, and provide them with garments of skin (Genesis 3:21) even before He kicked them out of the garden.  This is all so intriguing to me because it seems to be setting up the hope of intimacy in marriage, only to show us the destruction and evil in the world that will come along to pervert one of the most wonderful gifts that God has offered to us.   The other thing it shows, however, is how much God still wants to marriage to be redeemed, and that intimacy and caring between a man and woman can be restored to something better than what they could create on their own.  This includes redeeming the way you dress, and actually questioning why you wear what you wear.

Stay tuned for pt.2!  In the meantime, think about it, share this around – get a conversation going about what modesty means beyond the clothing you put on in the morning.  It’s so much more exciting than that.

This is something that I have been pondering a lot lately, and I thought I better explore it a bit more with you while it’s very present in my mind.

I officially began my last first day of classes at Redeemer today.  I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed when I considered these two weeks as it not only meant a lot of work, but it signifies the end of something that has become a staple in my summer for the past 2 years.  And when something ends, it’s only a matter of time til something new begins, which brings with it immense amounts of excitement, but also heaps and piles and loads of tension.  Change is not something that any of us fully know how to embrace well, and as these 2 weeks of intensive class discussion, homework and excessive thinking began I can’t help but consider what my future really holds.

Lately I have been finding myself longing for close, intimate relationship.  Every part of me wants, seemingly more than anything, to have someone come alongside and ask how I am doing, engage with my life with the same intensity I long to engage with theirs.  Someone who makes me heart flutter and feel alive with passion.  Someone who sees what God is doing in my life and gets more excited than me.  Someone who prays fierce prayers and holds me so tight I would sense them still there once they’re long gone.  

Now I have wonderful friends who are very invested and care deeply for me, so when I say that lately I have been feeling the longing, I mean literally in the past couple of days, maybe weeks or so.  Every time I consider the unknown future is really when this starts to get to me.  It would be so easy to force this relationship out of someone – to appeal to their needs and let them appeal to mine.  However, I know this is something that is sneaking in because of the magnitude of what lies  before me.  God is continually calling me to trust what He has next – and as much as see that the tangible thing is SBS in Montana, I wonder and question and wrestle and argue and try to enlighten God with how I will get there.  Applying and getting accepted to SBS is opening up to be one of the most challenging experiences because there is so much not in my control.  And it is in this place of complete vulnerability that has the ability to distract me completely from the end goal (SBS) and place before me very appealing and quick fix opportunities.  In this case, the longing for intimate relationship.  NOW I don’t mean to say that intimate relationship isn’t something to hope for, because it most definitely is something wonderful to long for and hope for and dream and desire.  But I cannot force that to happen any more than I can take away this heat we’re having.  That place of intimacy with that one other person isn’t a place I can go forcefully on my own.  But the place I can go is to where I belong, and to the people who belong with me (not in an ownership or entitlement sense.  Try to track with me on this one).

You see I am starting to realize, more deeply than ever, that my family are those people who are where my soul is.  My soul lies in Christ, it is His forever – as am I.  If your soul is also rested in His, you are also there with me.  My life – your life – is secure and safe in the the Lord’s hands.  My future is completely in His good, strong hands.  He is nothing less than perfect.  He desires nothing less than intimate relationship with us, and as much as that comes most obviously (not often or as a need) through a covenantal marriage relationship, that just isn’t something that He’s given me right now.  But He has given me family who is incredibly loving, honouring, understanding, and gracious (amongst many other wonderful things).  

So I put it to you: to Whom do you belong?

I am not saying that for you to come into the understanding that you first and foremost (above even those such as your husband, your best friend, your parents, your siblings) belong to Christ you will immediately have happy-go-lucky, joyful, sunshiney warm summer weather kind of days.  In fact when we are called into Christ’s family we are guaranteed a life that will be hard.  Nonetheless, we are first and foremost called to belong.  

John 5:39-40 says, “You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.”

I am not saying that you shouldn’t read your Bible to experience Jesus – but I am saying that some of us are so focused on the moralities or legalities of Christianity we miss out on the true freedom in Christ – a true sense of belonging.  How often do we really surrender our fears, hopes, dreams – our good, honest, honouring to Christ, wonderful dreams – to God?   How often do we just let ourselves *belong*.  Of course, this may come in the form of reading Scripture, and if so that is wonderfully ideal.  But for many of us it happens in song in our bedrooms, in moments of silence on a long walk, in that drive in our car while we’re screaming at the rain or on the edge of the ocean on the verge of letting the waves swallow us up.  Whatever it is – let yourself belong.  Don’t worry about the rest.  It will fall in line. 

Belonging to our Father who loves us deeply, who is intimately connected to our every twist and turn of our journey – that is not captivity, but utter freedom in a world that longs to drag us down, weary and worn and turn us into statistics of children who have fallen by the way side.  You deserve more than that.  You deserve to know that you are loved.  You are free.  You deserve to know that you belong.

Hope in the belonging.  See the others who are belonging with you – and not just that one other, but the family of others that is standing around you.  Look up.  Reach Out.  Hope in something beyond yourself.  Trust in the fact you belong.


Next is believing – but rest in the fact that you belong for a while.  Let that sink in.  Let that run deep.  Let that move you.  Don’t rush the process.  As much as it’s the struggle, this is what will ground you.  

I’m definitely with you on this one.

For those of you who have followed this link thinking I’ll be writing about the most fantastic band from my high school days, “The Story So Far” – you’ll be tragically disappointed.  But if you’re here, I invite you to stay and read what this is all about.  

I wrote this for the pancake breakfast I hosted – with the help of some most wonderful people!! – this past weekend.  It was a step in faith as I move towards getting to YWAM Montana this fall.  God definitely provided, and I look forward to how creative He’ll continue to be!!  Until then, this was something I had posted for people to read after or before their pancakes, just to give more of an overview and fuller story as to why I’m heading to MT this fall.  This may be a bit repetitive of my last post, but bear with me (as you all do, very well 🙂  Enjoy.

Where I came from

Most of you know that this is the place where I grew up.  I was born to Frank and Karen Haveman on a frighteningly cold morning in January 1989.  I was brought home to their humble abode in Mapleview and showered with love by a big brother, Eli.  Shortly I was joined by a little brother, Caleb, and little sister (yes!!), Ali.  I was likely held by you in this church’s nursery, taught by you for Sunday School and GEMS in these classrooms, and did my profession of faith in front of you in this Sanctuary – all before the renovations, of course!  I was an on-again, off-again attendee of this church’s Youth Group, mainly attending the Youth Group at Ebenezer CRC.  I was a student first at Trenton Christian School and then Quinte Christian High School.  If you’re from this church, I grew up admiring your kids or being friends with your kids.  I attended the GEMS Get Connected Camp when I was 12 and again at 14.  I was a regular at Graphite Bible Camp from when I was 14 until I was 20.  I went to the All Ontario Youth Convention 3 out of my 4 high school years.  I encountered God for the first time when I was 16 on a SERVE trip to Kitchener, ON.  I discovered that I love to serve others and use my gifts – and that I had gifts! – on a trip to Halifax, NS.  It was in Halifax that week, where often I felt alone despite the room full of people, that I first felt God nudging me towards letting go of all myself – my hopes, my dreams, my desires and to let Him do something about those.  I didn’t know what that would look like and I had no idea how to get there or what that meant, but I had a funny feeling the Big Guy upstairs had a bit of a plan.

Where I went

In 2005 I met a girl who told me about a far away land full of music, dancing, laughter, and Jesus.  I was intrigued, and told myself that one day I would go there.  In 2007 God affirmed this in my life, and in August of 2008 I packed my bags and headed to Brisbane, Australia to take part in Youth With a Mission’s Beach to Bush Discipleship Training School (YWAM’s B2B DTS – for short, if you can remember that).  It was during this time that God really revealed Himself to me, opening my eyes to see that He pursues me, fights for me, wants the best for me.  He isn’t just some big, muscled man sitting on a throne somewhere in the clouds ready to smite me with a lightning bolt the second I make the wrong choice.  I’ve made countless wrong choices, and I’m somehow still here.  I found out that He was full of grace, forgiveness and love.  I realized that He speaks to me and I can hear Him.  I discovered that friendships go deeper than just talking about the cute boys, and that living in honesty and vulnerability is not only possible, but it’s the only way to live.  I spent 8 weeks in Japan with other B2B’ers serving in high school ministries and encouraging a small Christian church.  It was in Japan that I fell in love with learning how to love youth.  Something there sparked a fire in me that I had to give the love to them as much as the Father gives to me.  I loved their zest and enthusiasm for life, and I loved being able to love and challenge them in any way Holy Spirit would provide.  It was sometime while I was there that I realized what I should do when I got home to my favourite small town.

Where I came back to

After graduating from the B2B DTS in January 2009 I felt God gave me two options: I could stay in Brisbane and volunteer as a staff member (which I was asked to do by the Base Leader) or to come home and start my journey in youth ministry.  You would be correct in guessing that I chose to come home – partly out of fear of the financial commitment to be a staff member as I didn’t know how I felt about ‘raising my own funds.’  However, God has blessed my time here at home – even though when I returned it was right after the 2008 recession and there was no work to be found for nearly 8 months.  So I immediately dove in to the challenges and excitements of running the youth ministry at the church.  I visited QCHS twice a week and led Bible Studies.  I went back to Graphite Bible Camp and helped run their Teen Program for day camps.  It was after the summer that a door finally opened for me to have a “real paying” job, so I began scooping ice cream and selling chocolate.  I also started working a couple nights a week at the New Life Girls Home in Consecon.  I continued to run the Youth Ministry and visit QCHS.  A year later, after trips to Blue Jays Games, seeing youth draw nearer to Christ at the AOYC, starting the Youth Ministry Certificate Program at Redeemer University College, hearing youth worship the Lord with all their hearts at Kingdom Bound and having a lot of laughs with all the kids in between, I started a new “real paying” job as a waitress.  It was here God taught me the reality of serving Him, as I my title was actually “server.”  In February 2011 God, out of the blue, opened the door for me to serve on the AOYC Planning Team, and after prayerful consideration I took up the role of Reach Out Coordinator – a position that had never seen anyone lead before.  Through everything there was many times of joy and many moments of utter despair.  A year ago I was ready to give up and run out, but God, speaking through some of His people, (many who likely still have no idea), urged me to stay, and stay I did.

Where I am going next

In September 2012 I was [still] going at a pace of 200km/hr, working everyday from 7am-3pm, heading to Starbucks to sit on my laptop and do paperwork until 9pm, and spending nearly every weekend at a conference, meeting or other social function that demanded my attention.  I knew it was time for me to slow down, and so I began fading out some of those things that I thought needed me so badly, and instead focused in on transitioning away from everything.  I new if I didn’t begin to intentionally step away from everything that I was doing that I would too soon get so wrapped up in “Erika’s ministry” as opposed to “God’s Ministry”.  I didn’t know what would be next, but I felt that to work on transitioning away was the next step, and with that as my focus and with the Lord as my hope we began something new.  I scaled back the youth ministry nights realizing that without any other leaders it could not effectively be run, and focused more time and energy into developing the basics for a sustainable youth ministry program.  This was an administrative curveball I wasn’t expecting, and would not have gone so well without the immense grace of the people who have stepped up alongside of me.  It was somewhere around the start of these “Youth Ministry Board” meetings that I began to sense a reawakening of a desire I had had in early 2012.  I knew YWAM offered a program called the School of Biblical Studies (or SBS) where ‘all you did’ was read the Bible several times through over 9 months.  Originally I wanted to go because I wanted out of my life, so why not run?  But after researching and wishing, the desire to go suddenly left me.  Completely gone.  There was no ounce that wanted to go, but also no ounce that didn’t want to go.  There was palpable tension that had said, “not yet.”  So I waited, and eventually the desire arose again and after seeking out the advice and opinions of family and mentors I applied to the SBS in Montana, USA.  In hoping to get accepted I couldn’t help but continue to feel a stronger sense of calling to ministry.  It wasn’t that I was just abandoning all that God had set in motion, or that God was abandoning these things either, but that He was urging me to move forward with my foundation in Him and His word.  The more I work with youth and read the Bible, the less adequate I feel to teach Scripture.  “Ironically” one my final courses at Redeemer UC this summer is “Teaching Scripture” which will partner well with having the opportunity to read Scripture more than once in its entirety during the following 9 months.  Of course, I was accepted as you very well know, which meant a couple of things:
1: God was challenging me to do the “fundraising thing” – the exact reason why I never went back to work as a staff in Brisbane 4 years previous.  This is an area that holds a lot of tension for me, but I have constantly felt God asking me to trust Him with this and let Him use His people to help.  It has been an incredibly humbling experience and lesson in self-sufficiency – that we are always supposed to trust God with every aspect of our lives, specifically whether we have a “real paying” job or not.
2: I would actually have to leave everything behind to follow God for the year. My “real paying” job, the youth ministry, my friends, my family, the AOYC team, and my church family, were just a few things I would have to give away.  Over this past year God has opened so many doors in my life to allow so many people, more than I ever could have thought, to enter it.  It has made me feel richly blessed, and both affirms and makes me question why He is calling me away to the SBS at this time.  There have been so many good things that have happened in this church over the past year that make me want to stay to see what happens (if you’ve been missing out, by the way, it’s not too late to be a part of it!)  I can only hope that in a year’s time the Lord will bring me back to this place, and if He doesn’t I will need to trust that He’s got this place and me safely in His hands, and He’s looking out for the best for us.

Where YOU fit in

If you’ve made it this far, you need to know you’ve fit through this entire story.  Maybe it’s been a smile, maybe it’s been a short conversation, maybe it’s been a day of laughter and tears.  Likely it’s been all of those things.  All the places I have been were great, but they would not have been shaping and molding to my life if it were not for people like YOU who were there, being a part of these things.  I could not have done any of this life without your prayers, your encouragement, your support, or your smile.  I would not be as full of joy if it wasn’t for the conversations with you (and in many cases your beautiful little ones!) and time you’ve taken to invest your life into mine.  From the day I entered the world until this moment, countless lives have breathed life into mine – and yours is one of them.  From the deepest, most bottom, fullest place of my heart I want to say thank you.  You have done so much, you have abided so well in Christ, you have been so humble and obedient to our God that I have no doubt He is smiling like crazy, longing for the day when He can embrace you and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  Thank YOU for being you.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.
 

If trust was supposed to be easy, it’d be like eating black raspberry vanilla ice cream on a hot summer’s day.  But actually it’s more running through tunnels, dodging giant wasps, swimming across rivers, hopping over puddles, climbing trees to get frisbees down, and tippy toeing over burning sand really fast…then getting the black raspberry vanilla ice cream…on a hot summer’s day.

You know what I’m saying?

If I’ve ever struggled to trust, it’s now.  If I ever thought I had gotten to point of being “good” at trusting…it’s most certainly not today.  It feels like this past week has passed in a bit of a daze.

Here’s the big news you’ve all been waiting for (drum roll please): 

I’m moving to Montana.

Yup, that’s it.  You are likely curious to know more, but that’s just too bad.

No that was a joke – that would be crazy.  “Erika? With no extra words to say and no lengthy explanation!?” That would be crazy.

So for some time now I’ve felt a stronger call to ministry, likely youth related, and as I’ve spent the past year learning self care, balance and focusing on only a couple of ministries I’ve come to realize that my knowledge is just not where it should be if I want to and am possibly called to spend the rest of my life ministering from the Word of God.  I need to know where I stand on certain issues; I need to know who the Bible says God is; I need to know the history of Scripture so as to better understand what it means; I need to stop talking out context and start sharing the right content.  With keeping all this in mind I began looking around into my different options.  I considered attending somewhere like Tyndale in Toronto and taking a couple OT Theology or NT Theology classes or some hermeneutics, and after talking to a couple friends I felt pretty encouraged to do so.  However, the whole time in the back of my mind was something I had looked into over a year ago and that was the School of Biblical Studies (SBS) within Youth With a Mission (YWAM).  Now, when I first looked into this it was because all I wanted do was RUN from ministry.  I was frustrated and broken and annoyed and lonely.  Ministry had run me into the ground so I was determined to distance myself from it.  However after several months of checking and rechecking the YWAM Montana website I finally talked it out with my dad.  There were a few tears.  He wasn’t really for it, but he wasn’t against it.  I let the idea rest for a while – likely because I was way too busy to check and recheck again (my life was chaos.  That thing that singles do to forget about being single?  Yup, I was all over it…for like 4 single people).  Finally one day I found some time to check out YWAM Montana’s SBS program…and I found that there was desire to go.  It was totally gone.  Nothing was left.  That same afternoon I went to meet with my Pastor to convince him that I was running out because I was so done.  But as I was talking I felt their was no real passion or conviction to attending this school.  And it didn’t take me long to realize that leaving would be likely the dumbest thing I would have ever done.  I would be abandoning a heck of a lot of stuff, and it wasn’t that I should leave it all, it was that I needed to find my own internal balance and realize that serving God didn’t mean burning myself out.  It also meant coming to realization that no matter how many fantastic ways to serve Jesus I put into my life, it wouldn’t fill that space inside my heart that was deeply lonely.  This all happened right before I headed off to Redeemer last summer – where one of my courses spent almost the entire week (8 hrs, 5 days, homework every night!) on self care.  SELF CARE!  Guess God knew what He was doing eh?

Anyways.  My year was thereafter spent, as I said before, finding balance.  I let go of some responsibilities and I chose the things that I would focus on.  I also felt that I needed to spend the year working on transitioning away from the church ministry that I had been leading.  I knew that summer 2013 would be my final summer at Redeemer (where I’ve been working on a Certificate in Youth Ministry for the past 3 summers) and I also knew that I would be ready (or so I thought) to find a full time job in ministry, and as my church doesn’t have the ability to hire a full time youth Pastor, I knew I would be likely be on my way out of my home church by the end of summer 2013.  So as I began working on transitioning away (wondering all the while what that meant and what would be next) I found myself thinking more about SBS.  I did some research into it.  I talked to the guys at work about it (which was safe…they don’t really understand why I would want to study the Bible for 9 months, but they are always willing to listen – and I knew it wouldn’t go beyond work).  I thought.  I prayed.  I talked to my parents about it.  I thought and prayed some more.  I talked to my Pastor and my Mentor.  I shared with some friends who I volunteer in ministry with.  I thought and prayed more.  Finally I just did it – I applied.  I applied on the basis that I would need to trust God with the outcome.

And then, after unofficially getting in, more thinking and praying – I officially got in.

And here I am.  freaking. out.  AKA learning that there is so much more to trust than just ONE thing.  

You know so often I find that I trust God with one little area.  “Oh I trust He’ll bring me a husband when His timing is right.”  Yup, it’s true.  Can’t say there aren’t days when I wish there was somebody I could fall back to and have reassure me, tell me their proud of me and that they love me.  But those days happen a lot less often than they used to.  I could likely, by the grace of God alone, count those days on less than 2 hands in the past 10-12 months.  This wasn’t because I wanted to, but because God just had other things for me.  There were other things to focus on, and they weren’t things that I was allowing to fill that lonely place.  God was filling that place, and I was letting Him.  He is Grace.

BUT – I can trust God with that area now because I have seen Him come through for me there.  There are a billion other areas where I don’t trust, whatsoever.  And it is in this place where I currently am.

It’s not just that I have to trust God with finances for the school in the fall, I have to trust He’ll somehow provide for me this summer when there are payments that need to be made with money I do not have.  Fundraising or asking for support this directly is not something I ever thought I would have to do.  When I did my Discipleship Training School (DTS) with YWAM I was discouraged by family to fundraise – because hey, who wants to pay for someone else to go to school?  That’s just not okay.  “We’re dutch.  We work hard for our money, and our hard earned cash stays in our pockets.  Oh except the 10% that goes to the church.  Right!”  Sorry if that was harsh, and I think we’ve come a long way from actually thinking like this…but I’ve said this a few times lately to fantastically dutch people and have gotten a few laughs, which to me affirms that I’m not too far off track.  But anyways, after I came out of YWAM hugely in debt because I trusted in myself and a bank opposed to God (I saw God come through for people in crazy ways while on my DTS.  I never opened the door to let Him try with me as I continued to trust in that student line of credit limit.)  Since DTS nearly 5 years ago I have encouraged several students that I’ve worked with to do a DTS of their own as it’s not 6 months you’ll waste (trust me!  If you are 18 or so and have no idea what you want to do, come talk to me…I’ll refer you somewhere for a DTS!  If all else fails…you can go somewhere SWEET in the world!!) and the only other thing I’ve encouraged them to do besides doing the DTS was to fundraise for it.  It was the only thing I regretted not doing, as I spent nearly 4 years working on paying back that loan (thanks to no work, and then not full time work to a waitressing job, and of course there’s normal life things to pay for like car payments, insurance, donating, etc…).  And once I paid back that loan I ran into an unfortunate and unexpected financial bump that set me back again.  Anyways…all that to say I wasn’t actually expecting to go back into YWAM, so I never actually expected to be in a position where I would have to take my own medicine.  And it is extremely humbling.  It’s really hard to look to the future and see that you can’t provide for yourself.  You don’t have the time or ability.  It’s so hard to trust that God will provide for every area.  It’s like there’s one of those fill in the blank paintings in front of me – you know, the ones where there’s a number and you have to put the corresponding paint colour to the number?  It’s like that’s in front of me and I have the brush and I know the colours and where they need to go…but I don’t actually have the paint.  God’s got it.  And I just need to wait for him to pass them to me when He’s ready.

The flip side of it all (or maybe it’s the same side?) is that it is so easy to look to other people to provide and therein face more fear and possibility of discouragement as opposed to just letting God provide through them.  There’s a line between asking people for money and asking people for support…and I think I’m working on figuring that out.  And it’s scary.  And it takes a lot of trust.  

I had a bit of a freak out earlier, and when I get scared I run.  (Which is another reason I knew doing SBS last year wouldn’t of worked because I knew even then I was just running from my burnt out-ed-ness and that wasn’t okay.)  So today I just got home from my future sister-in-law’s bridal shower, and I got in my car and drove.  And drove.  Something else happened this morning that triggered all the emotions and denial I’ve been experiencing over this whole doing SBS thing.  I’m a verbal processor, and I haven’t really processed being accepted to SBS and all that means and yet I’m telling people and other people are telling people and I’m being asked about it.  And that was draining me and pushing me to the edge.  I have a tendency to think nobody will care to listen as I verbally explode, and this also stems from a trust issue.  I don’t trust that there is anyone who 1. will care to ask. 2. will care to listen. 3. will care to just keep it to themselves.  And this often puts me in a bind because then things like this happen…it’s all bottling up and finally explodes.  I didn’t explode on anyone this time, so I think I should get some points for that.  But as I drove I eventually got back around into town and stopped near the river there.  I wrote a list of all the areas I need to trust – this list is specifically for this summer, but I have a slight feeling once this summer is over and I’ve seen how God has come through it won’t be like I’ll be done with it, got my A+ and diploma and can leave that lesson behind.  I think it will only get more challenging. And it likely will.  But God will have prepared me for that.  He’s really all that matters, and no matter if things work out the way I hope they will or not, I will need to trust Him.  I am pretty sure He feeds the sparrows and clothes the lillies…I think He cares for me too?  I know He does – in my heart and my mind I know this.  It doesn’t always make it easier.  It’s nearly exactly like the song, “Be My Escape” by Relient K (classic, btw).  I can 100% relate to all the lyrics right now, but what really gets me is the pre-chorus:

I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity
and I’ve been locked inside that house
all the while You hold the key
and I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
 and even though, there’s no way of knowing where to go
I promise I’m going [because]

I could really write the whole song out and explain just why the entire song is so fit to where I am, but I won’t.  But this wraps up where I’m at.  I don’t know where I’m going – or how I’m getting there – but I’m going.  I am full of fear, and I’m locked there with it.  Only God can get me out of this mess.  There’s no one else and there’s no other how to it.  I have to get out of this – this mess, this lack of trust.  And God is my only escape to all of it.  It doesn’t even matter what exactly the future holds because I am not the one who holds it.  It only matters that I trust God with where I’m going – I step and see if the ice is solid, and most certainly hope if it wasn’t that the pond isn’t too deep and freezing.  And hey, if it is, I have no doubt that God’s right there ready to pull me into a hug that will thaw out the deep freeze I’ve just experienced.  Then He’ll show me where the ice is thick enough to get across.  

Whew.  This was almost like verbal processing.

Here’s my first step in asking for support.  Please pray for the following areas as I wrestle with them and work on trusting God with them.  Your prayers are worth more than you could ever know.  Even tonight I prayed for someone to say they were proud of me.  But as my parents don’t say this, and none of my friends ever express this, (I can recall the last person, place and weekend that I was last told “I am so proud of you” and knew they really meant it that it moved my heart to tears) I wasn’t expectant.  However, my mom got home from church shortly after I got home from my drive and was in tears.  She went on to say how much she loves that I love the Lord, and how I know what matters, and that she is proud.  Those weren’t her exact words (there was a lot of high pitched crying), but it moved my heart in the same way it did the last time.  God answered.  I know He is good.  How can He not be?  But it’s still hard to trust…so please pray as I ask you to trust with me.  Here’s my list:

TRUST
– that SBS is what’s next for me, “the right thing”
– that I am called to full time youth ministry
– finances for SBS
– finances for summer
– that somebody will step in to lead the Youth Board [at my church that I’ve been working on all year with a group people]
– for youth to sign up for Summer Service Week [my final hurrah of youth ministry at my church before leaving in September]
– that I’m “good” enough

That’s the list.  I am feeling a little vulnerable writing that, so thank you for reading this, and thank you for being sensitive.  I so, so appreciate you prayers, and I look forward to continuing on sharing my heart with you!

First – I’m working on changing blog sites.  Xanga has been fabulous (if you want to check out what I’ve been writing for the past couple of years, click here), but I’ve been considering switching to something a little more reliable and known, where you don’t have to be a member to comment or respond, so as to open up better lines of communication (if that is so desired.)  I value response, so please, say things!

To the thoughts.

so I usually don’t write in response to other articles I’ve read, but recently I saw an article posted on Facebook by one of my friends entitled, “The Bikini Question.”  If you don’t feel like reading it, that’s okay, but the gist of it was suggesting – as many of you ladies have likely heard thousands of times – that we shouldn’t dress provocatively, or in this case, wear bikini’s, because it is part of our job to honour the guys we are around and to not tempt them.

Now, at the core, a part of me agrees.  The other part of me cringes because I know I hear it with my teenage mind, and until recently my adult female mind, because I am so sick of the argument that tells me I can’t wear something because it will tempt a man.  I know there are good intentions, but it’s a surface argument that has been overused and has lost its potency.  So let’s stop using it, and try and delve a bit deeper, because as we all know habits don’t change because someone argues a point well.  Habits change because Holy Spirit moves something in our spirit, and whispers that we belong to someOne more who wants something more for us.

This is a part of my journey.  I haven’t perfected it, but it’s moving forward.

Last summer I convinced a beautiful young lady to buy a bikini for the first time.  As her mentor [figure…friend…person…], and being a Christian, I think she thought I was a little crazy.  Maybe rightly so.  However, I will always be r FOR (as in pro) you getting comfortable in your own physical skin – not to say to get there you should traipse around in the nude, but it’s okay to get comfy and I am all for compromising your comfortability (not just referencing what you wear, here) and believe in pushing yourself to break through your fears, and in doing so deepening who you are (side note: I’m making a list for the summer of all the things that scare me to do, and I plan on doing them this summer!  I’ll let you know how that goes).

Anyways, it was shortly after this that I had a conversation with a dear friend whom I admire, and it was about a little revelation she had whilst bathing suit shopping with her husband.  She had tried on a cute suit that accented her…upper body…and she liked it.  She felt good.  She looked good.  Her husband thought so too.  And for that reason, he didn’t want her to buy it.  His reasoning was that men have a hard enough time on the beach keeping their eyes focused on their own wives, why would the respectable wives of those men (who want to have eyes for their wife alone) wear something that not only would openly distract other men (which ultimately was the base argument we are trying to move on from), but also disrespect other women?  

My thoughts moved on from there and later I got thinking about it.  And by later I mean a week or 2 later when I was heading to the beach in my sundress with my fantastically stylish bikini underneath, with the body I’d been working hard for for months.  That’s when it hit me.  I didn’t know if I was comfortable taking off that dress to fully bask in that wonderfully hot sun.  Suddenly I was aware of all the husbands (not men or boys, quite yet) that were around me.  Then I thought about their wives.  All of a sudden it wasn’t that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, but my eyes were opened to the fact that yes, men see me.

Of course this has roots in a deeper issue I’ve recently discovered which is still a little confusing to me.  I know God desires me, and I am totally comfortable with me (still talking a physical level) – but a huge part of my believes that men just don’t find me desirable.  I’ve never had a boyfriend, and over the past year I’ve gotten way more peace about that.  I’m happy in singleness in ways that I never thought possible, and I am so grateful for that journey the Lord has brought me on, and continues to walk me through.

BUT for the first time in pretty much ever I was aware that men might look at me and find me *distracting*. And not just single men, but married men.  And I can’t say I wanted that – I wanted their eyes to be for their ladies – and I am sure their ladies felt the same way.

Side note: ladies, just for the record when men say, “I do” there eyes don’t just stop seeing all the other women out there and only see you.  Sure he does only want to see you, but reality dictates this doesn’t happen.

That said (I guess it wasn’t really a side note) I want to work on respecting other husbands by wearing things that don’t reveal quite as much as I used to.  And by other husbands I want to try and make you see that this means all men, really.  Most men are currently husbands, want to one day be a husband, or have been a husband.  For those that don’t fall under these categories – well they’re the ones that you don’t want to appeal to anyways.

Beyond respecting the Mr., if that’s still sounding like the same old argument to you, I want you to respect the Mrs.

Ladies who have a boyfriend or a husband: do you want your man to have eyes for only you?  Then allow your best friends man to have eyes for only her. (this applies to the whole ‘loving your enemies’ thing too!!!)  You see what I’m saying here?  Don’t get all upset with your man when he’s checking out the babes down the beach in the skimpy bikini’s when you’ve got the latest Victoria’s Secret “Beach Sexy Push Up Halter and Ruched Low Rise Hipkini Bottom.”  Goodness.  And don’t tell me it’s never happened…I know I’m guilty of seeing the speck in her eye when I’ve got a plank in my own.  In fact, after I had this realization and this something sparked inside of me – that ruined me, by the way.  The rest of my time camping was spent in sundresses and tank tops because I no longer felt the need to wear anything less.  It bummed me out at first because my thoughts went like this (this was the general convo between me and Holy Spirit):
me- but I want to wear a bikini!!!
HS- and why do you want to wear a bikini?
me- so I can tan my stomach
HS- well who sees your stomach after it’s been tanned?
me- …..me?

It wasn’t a really convincing argument, and I lost with a scowl.  But that was really my only reason for wearing a bikini.  And as is typical, once Holy Spirit open your eyes to seeing something in you He wants to change, it’s hard to fight it and get back to the way things were without feeling totally guilty every time.  So hey, I fell in to being covered up most of the time, and when I wasn’t, I felt so exposed.  I felt disrespectful of the women around me who were wives or wives to be – and again, as I use the term wife don’t just think I’m taking to the already married women, I continue to talk to all women who also one day desire to be a wives which is nearly every female that I know.  And if you desire to be single, you’ll likely be aware of ways you can respect wives all around you – this hopefully being one of them.  But know that with being a wife comes certain responsibilities.  And if you desire to be a wife, think about how you are actually preparing for it.  You don’t just wake up one day and decide to be a nurse, walk into a hospital and try your luck with the needle do you?  No, you apply to college, you study, you write a test, you apply for jobs, you be a nurse.  Why do we think that being a wife – a most honourable and respectable position – should deserve anything less?  One way you can prepare to be a wife is to honour the other wives around you now by dressing as you would want other women to dress so as to respect you.  

Now I don’t want this all coming across as I’m all high and mighty and I run around in long frocks with high necks, because yeah, that would be a joke.  But for much of the past year I’ve come to think, when I’m dressing, “would I be comfortable wearing this if it was just me and a married man alone somewhere in conversation?”  And if the answer is no I’ll take some extra precaution – like throw the tank top on underneath to avoid cleavage or put on spandex in case the wind blows my skirt up (this has definitely saved me at least once, by the way).  Still dress in ways that are stylish – you are allowed to look good!  But is the way your dressing respecting not only yourself but your sisters in Christ?  And again – just recently (this is the ‘in fact’ I meant to get into earlier) I realized that I’ve done a terrible job at practicing what I preach when it comes to bikini’s.  Most Saturday nights I spend with my best friend and our guy friends (all unmarried).  It’s always a fabulous time, and will almost always include a round or two of Wizard (in which I dominate…or try to…) followed by fantastic conversation in my best friend’s family hot tub.  Sounds great right?  Well what do I wear every Saturday night in that hot tub?  A bikini.  Yup, I’ve been a running-full-speed-ahead-hypocrite all year.  It didn’t hit me til a couple weeks ago when another friend of ours, who doesn’t usually come out to Saturday nights with us, decided to join.  And he’s married.  I’ve known him forever, but suddenly when this real life husband came on the scene all my thoughts and awareness came tumbling back and it was like the smudge was cleared off my glasses and I saw clearly how much of a fool I have been.  Of course on the flip side since I’ve never even considered that those guys I hang out with would think I’m attractive you can see why it never really hit me earlier.  But now that it’s hit me, I’ve been Google searching cute swimsuits and tankini’s like no other, because this summer, that’s what I’ll be wearing (or I’ll stick to the dresses and tank tops since I have lots of those, and really no money to buy more swimwear).

I hope I haven’t sounded to wishy washy or same-same, but I want you to think beyond the “don’t tempt guys to sin” thing, and think about the respect level you are showing yourself by respecting that wife and her husband, and in turn respecting your own husband (or yet to be).  You see how this does come full circle, right?

Whether you are a wife or want to one day be a wife, you want your husbands eyes to only be for you, am I right?  Likely they will be, and he will always love and cherish you more (I pray) that you can ask or imagine.  But your husband will always be a man, and that means he is a visual being.  He has a hard enough time keeping his eyes just on you on the beach – sure he may want to “show you off” but to what end is that?  How is that humble?  Selfless?  Caring?  Honourable?  Respectful?  I know the whole “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” thing, but at what cost?  Again, how is that any of those things?

You may have noticed that near the beginning when I first began to realize this stuff I said that for the first time I felt that I might be *distracting*.  I want this to be, really, the final thing I touch on.  Do you want to be someone who is distractive or attractive?  Because it seems to me that a lot of the times we do things to distract as opposed to attract.  Distract suggests short term, whimsical, half hearted.  Attract suggests something that will last long term, has devotion and is done whole heartedly.  You don’t marry someone because you are distracted by them – you marry someone because you are attracted by them and to them.  Does that make sense?

I don’t know, if I don’t stop writing now I will just start talking in circles.  And no, I don’t expect you to step back and say, “Erika you are so right, I won’t wear bikini’s anymore” because I fully do not expect that.  But I pray God moves something in you to start having revelations of your own about who you are, your value and your value to your [future] husband.  Essentially this whole thought was something God revealed to me about something I was doing.  Maybe you won’t get there soon, or maybe it’s not something He’ll ever bring to light for you, but if you’re a single girl or a Mrs. and you’ve wrestled with this, then be a part of this miniscule but powerful revolution to being respectful of the wife next to you whether she’s got the ring or not.  

Hmm.  That’s enough.  I will have more thoughts (likely not on this subject in particular) some time in the near future.  I finish up my Redeemer courses this summer, so I’m pretty busy in the next month with homework for that.  BUT stay tuned – if you don’t know my big news yet, I’ll be happy to share it here soon!!