of being alone

What kind of feelings brought you to come and read this blog post? I know I used to see things about “being alone” and my eyes would widen, body would tense, I’d leap dramatically back, hands pushing away an imaginary monster that was terrifyingly gigantic and clearly going to swallow me whole, making sounds similar to the ones Will Ferrell does in Elf after he sprays perfume into his mouth. It’s not quite like that anymore, and I hope it wasn’t the scary monster of loneliness that brought you here, but a simple curiosity.

One of my mentors believes that you need to be content in your aloneness before you will ever find contentment in a relationship. I agree with her. There’s a distinction that needs to be made between loneliness and aloneness, recgonizing that loneliness is a direct result of us not being okay with being alone. We have probably all felt extremely lonely in a room full of people that we could engage with, and I daresay men and women alike have been in relationships where they felt incredibly lonely at times. But if we take time to be alone when we have the opportunities, to know aloneness and to find a level of comfortablility within that aloneness we likely can prevent negative feelings of loneliness.

Someone once challenged me on getting okay with being alone. Not because they were wishing singleness over my life, but they challenged me within the context of my assumption that once I get married I will always have someone there to fulfill all of my needs. This was a problem – especially when considering aloneness . As a young 20-something marriage was placed on such a pedestal. I assumed that once I got married we’d grow old together, living long and healthy lives together. I didn’t consider an early tragedy or that my spouse would die before me and leave me *alone* again. I think It’s easy to think that we’ll never be alone once we get married – isn’t marriage supposed to remove us from that horrid and unappealing place that we should never have to revisit? The reality of “always” dawned on me, and as much as I have hope that my future spouse and I will in fact live together until a ripe old age I realized that I needed to be okay in my aloneness now. I needed to embrace something I assumed the future would never again throw at me.

After I found that always may not actually be an always, I started to really think about how my spouse would “fulfill” me. When I was asked “what will a man add to your life?” I could honestly just answer, “Babies. And himself.” That was because before being asked what a man would add to my life I was asked, “What is your bliss?”

Consider your hobbies. What are the things in your life that bring you life? Cause you bliss? Are things you have passion for? If you don’t have any life-givers or bliss-causers outside of desiring a relationship or the relationship you are in, then without me even knowing you I know you are struggling with being alone – or you have at some point. You need to have passions, and you need to pursue those passions.

This past fall I was sitting in my bunk in the small YWAM compound in Pokhara, Nepal where I was teaching with a team of 3 others who had travelled together from Montana in the USA. I was praying about what I’d be doing when I got home from my present venture, and I kept feeling like I was being called to write. And not just blog every once and a while, but blog often. And not just blog often, but to write a book. And not just write that book, but to then speak, teach and share my stories, thoughts, and insights with groups of people. I remember embracing the idea in my heart, but feeling so daunted by the amount of work it would take for me to get to where God was calling me. Is calling me. As I sat there, keeled over in frustration, stuffing my head between my knees, I probably said out loud, “can’t all the work just be done!?” Yet it hadn’t even started.

So how does that little story relate to being alone? God was calling out my passions that day. He was calling them out and asking me to pursue them. I love writing. I love teaching and speaking. I love meeting with people that have read what I have to say or heard what I have to speak and push back or encourage or pursue conversation that was sparked from what I shared. My passions bring me life, and those passions are given to me directly from the throne room of God.

I’ve had several raw conversations with a few married women in my life who I greatly respect, admire and love. From the outside their marriages are pretty picture perfect: great looking couples, beautiful stories of how God brought them together – relationships worthy instagram posts and Facebook status’. But inside these women are hurting. They wonder if they’re enough for their husbands, they wonder why they don’t feel fulfilled. When I ask them “what brings you life?” a lot of them struggle to find an answer to share that is spoken with true and powerful conviction.

Ladies and gents, singles (those unmarried) and marrieds all around the world: pursue your passions. If you don’t know what you love doing, if you don’t know what brings you life, then starting asking God to help you figure those out. Your passions can be anything. They can be quilt making or brewing your own beer or dry curing pork or playing the uklelele. I don’t know what your passion will be, but seek out something. Try different things! Don’t be afraid to try something new, regardless of how ridiculous it may seem.

So how does brewing your own beer relate to God? How is that a passion something worthy of the Kingdom? How really will it prevent you from feeling lonely and embrace your aloneness? Within your passions there is also an element of submission. And not submission with every negative connotation you can think of. But a beautiful kind of submission that is really about presenting your passion to God, and asking how He can use it. If it does happen to be brewing beer, maybe it’s not about getting drunk (I can guarantee that’s not what God wants you to do with that passion), but maybe it’s about hospitality, and inviting people you know, or maybe don’t know, to come over and enjoy a brew over some good, long conversation. Maybe from there it evolves into a simple Bible study, where all you’re doing is taking a book, reading it together and asking questions – nothing complicated. You see how all things can be for the glory of God? Submission isn’t all bad. And passions are usually all good.

Passions bring us closer to God, and being closer to God brings in us a contentment and fufillment that not being alone can never do. If you’re feeling alone, don’t see it to your disadvantage. See it as an opportunity to explore your gifts, talents, passions. Find the things that bring you smiles that hurt your face, laughs that give your abs a workout, and deep breaths that are long and slow.

Joy is never defined by doing any one thing; its defined by just the One.

5 thoughts on “of being alone”

i traveled to Europe alone. I eat in restaurants alone.I love driving alone. I love doing things alone. it’s good to find something you love to do, but if you crave company, join a group! I met many people who are still my friends in social groups like story tellers, folk dance, volunteerism, all kinds of stuff. but i still really like alone time. We are complete in and of ourselves. Companionship is marriage is a good thing, too, of course. But it’s not an either/or thing, is it?

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Beautiful words… Well written.

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Erika says:

June 13, 2015 at 1:13 am

Thank You Ainsley!

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Hello Erika! Interesting and well written read…but I felt I must reply! I too am passionate –about most things in my life–life–God–and everything in between! In fact, I don’t do mediocre, or boring! But still, I really do not [prefer] to do ‘alone’. Don’t mistake that statement as insecure or unhappy with myself and my lot in life. I LOVE my alone time, I thoroughly ENJOY my own company & especially my own jokes!! I can be ‘self-sufficient’ [but for the grace of God!]. I can be, and have mostly been, much of a loner–and on my own since the age of 16. Growing up, and growing older without loving parents, ideal family, close friends you learn to be both strong and independent. And then there is marriage. Good ones and bad ones. I’ve had both. Ironically, the bad was, well, really bad and the good was really good!! My references here are mostly on the good one! I wasn’t 20 something when I met and married my ‘soul mate ‘ and gift from God. Because I am compatible with most, it was easy to meld together with another gentle soul, even if, looking back, there were deficiencies. But I married until death do us part, and never for one second considered any other option. And I’ve learned, that you can do everything wrong, or everything right –and still end up alone. And lonely. Very lonely. I suppose, the balance comes when you have family and friends and faith and career and social life all in the right proportions, then they can sustain you during the alone times. But what about the people who do not know those luxuries? The balance is defunct – too many missing pieces? Because this has been MY experience–and faith, albeit strong, still requires human contact to sustain itself. And when it is deficient, the aloneness is very, very dark! If my husband would have died, in God’s power, people [family, friends, strangers] would have rallied in support and reached out to help me cope with the ‘aloneness’. But in my case, my husband became involved very quickly in a dark cult-like experience–and within a few weeks after that walked away from our beautiful marriage, successful career, family, friends, and I’m guessing God–without reason or explanation. And the whole world scattered in my darkest moment! Christians & non-Christians alike. =( I cried for an entire year and lived in utter, lonely seclusion. I have overcome a horrible childhood–but nothing to date trumped that pain & loss of losing my spouse! And being literally abandoned. All the Bible verses in the book–didn’t replace the need for human contact. Comfort. Compassion. Consoling. God did not create us to be so callous towards one another. But in the past 5 years I have seen a level of loneliness that I never knew existed. YES–God is still there with me–everyday. But it was HE who said “it is not good for man to be alone”. My paternal grandfather died when I was a child. He & his loving wife immigrated here from Italy. They were very ‘old school’. When he died, she died 3 moths later–perfectly healthy, of a broken heart. I KNOW that kind of lonely. Yet God has sustained me. He allowed me the kind of relationship that shared passions, dreams and goals. We shared togetherness, and aloneness and were considered to have THE best marriage & life of anyone we knew! We both lived out our passions–me as a writer, teacher, instructor, decorator, designer wife, mother, Mam. Him as he had quit a mundane ‘secure job’ of 18 years to pursue his dream of being a builder–and with his brawn & my brains we were an awesome team and lived passionately from one adventure to the next- with God blessing us hand over fist! And a wife that adored him! We lived fast & furious–for a mere 11+ years–then **BAM**!! The walls came tumbling down!! So 5 years later–the aloneness & loneliness are the same, although lessoned to some degree simply by default. I still try to pursue my passions [writing being just one of many talents & gifts]. Unlike you, I am not pursued to speak about the many things I have written, [including 2 unpublished books] the multitude of experiences and challenges I have overcome, including physical & sexual abuse, abandonment, rejection, entrepreneurship, etc etc. And all the wonderful opportunities God has allowed me to have victory over! Teaching. Leading. Outreach. I began to ‘know’ myself at age 24, after my first divorce. I know myself well. Most people do not. I have healthy boundaries and am THE most well-adjusted misfit I know! [and I know many not so well-adjusted!] But the thing I know most–as that I am, by God’s creation, far better at being a ‘we’ than a ‘me’. Because I have a servant/givers heart. And so, while I can continue on my own–I do not desire it, even though I am good at it! Lonely & alone ARE synonymous to me. These are some of my thoughts on ‘being alone’.
Yet–I remain, In HIS grip, Radically yours, Martina! 😉

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Erika says:

June 14, 2015 at 10:21 pm

Hi Martina – thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability in what you’ve shared. That’s precisely my hope – that together we’ll commit to sharing our real stories, and the lesson’s we’ve learned from them. The way you talk about healthy relationship is a beautiful thing. From reading what you wrote you are aware of who you are and where your passions lie. That’s spot on what I’m trying to encourage. What I mean when talking about a difference between loneliness and aloneness is actually things you’ve touched on as well; The way I differentiate aloneness and loneliness is all about where our fulfillment comes from. In our loneliness we’re often looking for other people and things to fill a void. In aloneness we’re looking to Jesus to fulfill us; this seems to be something you understand (from reading your testimony). I think we’re just using different wording, because as I read what you wrote I agreed with it all. Thank you so much for your response! I feel honoured to have read what you shared; thank you for doing so!

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Reply

Tomke Meyer says:

June 13, 2015 at 12:18 am

i traveled to Europe alone. I eat in restaurants alone.I love driving alone. I love doing things alone. it’s good to find something you love to do, but if you crave company, join a group! I met many people who are still my friends in social groups like story tellers, folk dance, volunteerism, all kinds of stuff. but i still really like alone time. We are complete in and of ourselves. Companionship is marriage is a good thing, too, of course. But it’s not an either/or thing, is it?

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Ainsley Kensall says:

June 13, 2015 at 12:21 am

Beautiful words… Well written.

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1. Erika says:
  
  June 13, 2015 at 1:13 am
  
  Thank You Ainsley!
  
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Martina says:

June 13, 2015 at 1:36 pm

Hello Erika! Interesting and well written read…but I felt I must reply! I too am passionate –about most things in my life–life–God–and everything in between! In fact, I don’t do mediocre, or boring! But still, I really do not [prefer] to do ‘alone’. Don’t mistake that statement as insecure or unhappy with myself and my lot in life. I LOVE my alone time, I thoroughly ENJOY my own company & especially my own jokes!! I can be ‘self-sufficient’ [but for the grace of God!]. I can be, and have mostly been, much of a loner–and on my own since the age of 16. Growing up, and growing older without loving parents, ideal family, close friends you learn to be both strong and independent. And then there is marriage. Good ones and bad ones. I’ve had both. Ironically, the bad was, well, really bad and the good was really good!! My references here are mostly on the good one! I wasn’t 20 something when I met and married my ‘soul mate ‘ and gift from God. Because I am compatible with most, it was easy to meld together with another gentle soul, even if, looking back, there were deficiencies. But I married until death do us part, and never for one second considered any other option. And I’ve learned, that you can do everything wrong, or everything right –and still end up alone. And lonely. Very lonely. I suppose, the balance comes when you have family and friends and faith and career and social life all in the right proportions, then they can sustain you during the alone times. But what about the people who do not know those luxuries? The balance is defunct – too many missing pieces? Because this has been MY experience–and faith, albeit strong, still requires human contact to sustain itself. And when it is deficient, the aloneness is very, very dark! If my husband would have died, in God’s power, people [family, friends, strangers] would have rallied in support and reached out to help me cope with the ‘aloneness’. But in my case, my husband became involved very quickly in a dark cult-like experience–and within a few weeks after that walked away from our beautiful marriage, successful career, family, friends, and I’m guessing God–without reason or explanation. And the whole world scattered in my darkest moment! Christians & non-Christians alike. =( I cried for an entire year and lived in utter, lonely seclusion. I have overcome a horrible childhood–but nothing to date trumped that pain & loss of losing my spouse! And being literally abandoned. All the Bible verses in the book–didn’t replace the need for human contact. Comfort. Compassion. Consoling. God did not create us to be so callous towards one another. But in the past 5 years I have seen a level of loneliness that I never knew existed. YES–God is still there with me–everyday. But it was HE who said “it is not good for man to be alone”. My paternal grandfather died when I was a child. He & his loving wife immigrated here from Italy. They were very ‘old school’. When he died, she died 3 moths later–perfectly healthy, of a broken heart. I KNOW that kind of lonely. Yet God has sustained me. He allowed me the kind of relationship that shared passions, dreams and goals. We shared togetherness, and aloneness and were considered to have THE best marriage & life of anyone we knew! We both lived out our passions–me as a writer, teacher, instructor, decorator, designer wife, mother, Mam. Him as he had quit a mundane ‘secure job’ of 18 years to pursue his dream of being a builder–and with his brawn & my brains we were an awesome team and lived passionately from one adventure to the next- with God blessing us hand over fist! And a wife that adored him! We lived fast & furious–for a mere 11+ years–then **BAM**!! The walls came tumbling down!! So 5 years later–the aloneness & loneliness are the same, although lessoned to some degree simply by default. I still try to pursue my passions [writing being just one of many talents & gifts]. Unlike you, I am not pursued to speak about the many things I have written, [including 2 unpublished books] the multitude of experiences and challenges I have overcome, including physical & sexual abuse, abandonment, rejection, entrepreneurship, etc etc. And all the wonderful opportunities God has allowed me to have victory over! Teaching. Leading. Outreach. I began to ‘know’ myself at age 24, after my first divorce. I know myself well. Most people do not. I have healthy boundaries and am THE most well-adjusted misfit I know! [and I know many not so well-adjusted!] But the thing I know most–as that I am, by God’s creation, far better at being a ‘we’ than a ‘me’. Because I have a servant/givers heart. And so, while I can continue on my own–I do not desire it, even though I am good at it! Lonely & alone ARE synonymous to me. These are some of my thoughts on ‘being alone’.
Yet–I remain, In HIS grip, Radically yours, Martina! 😉

LikeLike

1. Erika says:
  
  June 14, 2015 at 10:21 pm
  
  Hi Martina – thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability in what you’ve shared. That’s precisely my hope – that together we’ll commit to sharing our real stories, and the lesson’s we’ve learned from them. The way you talk about healthy relationship is a beautiful thing. From reading what you wrote you are aware of who you are and where your passions lie. That’s spot on what I’m trying to encourage. What I mean when talking about a difference between loneliness and aloneness is actually things you’ve touched on as well; The way I differentiate aloneness and loneliness is all about where our fulfillment comes from. In our loneliness we’re often looking for other people and things to fill a void. In aloneness we’re looking to Jesus to fulfill us; this seems to be something you understand (from reading your testimony). I think we’re just using different wording, because as I read what you wrote I agreed with it all. Thank you so much for your response! I feel honoured to have read what you shared; thank you for doing so!
  
  LikeLike