the rambling missionary

My life is so busy.  Like probably out of anybody I know, mine is the busiest.  Even compared to that mom with those 4 absolutely insane children and husband who works all the time – busier than hers.  I wish she would understand how I am busier than her so her judgemental stares wouldn’t cut me down so much.  It’s actually so unfair that my life is busy, and I just wish it wasn’t.  Oh how I wish it wasn’t!  I wish it would just slow down.  My life is super busy – so much so that I never have time to do things I love, like go out for coffee with a friend or get 8 hours of sleep.  Busy rules my life – I am busier than anyone, and people need to understand this.

Embarrassingly enough, I’ve probably thought all of these things.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but it is true.  I’ve compared my life to another’s, reassuring myself that I was busier, and somewhere in my mind that made me better.  My value came from all of the “yes’s” I could give to people.  And why shouldn’t I say yes?  Usually it was to things that encouraged my talents and gifts, though if it wasn’t I’d think I could still do it best, and it was always a need I was helping fulfill.  But soon the once a week commitment spiralled into being gone every night of the week.  And it felt like nobody got it.  I would try to say no, and people wouldn’t hear it.  I tried saying no, justifying it away, like people needed to hear my reasons and then they’d get it.  Everything I was involved in and nearly all my relationships were filtered through my “I’m so busy” filter.  It was breaking me apart and stretching me too thin.  But it was how I survived – definitely not thrived – through my early twenties.

A couple of weeks ago I recognized that I’d gotten “busy” again – I’d said yes to a few too many things (though comparatively less than what it used to be), and with a book proposal and conference to prep for I knew I needed more time, but I just didn’t know how to get it.  I determined to not make any plans, and if someone else asked me to do something, I’d say no – no matter how much of a need I’d fill.  As I set out to slow down time I turned down a couple different dates, and as I said no I noticed something interesting happening.  I had more time.

And obviously I had more time, but it was literally like God was gifting me with even more, simply because I was obedient in saying no.  Suddenly I wasn’t needed at work until much later in the day for nearly 4 days of that work week giving me up to 28 extra hours to work on things like my book proposal, website revamps, emails and enjoying a large cup of hot chocolate while soaking in some worship music.

I know I’ve come a long way from thinking I’m the busiest person to exist on planet earth, and for that I’m grateful.  The process has taken several years, and I wouldn’t say I’m a completely non-busy person nowadays, but I put a much greater effort into not using the word busy.  And it does take effort to not respond with “busy” when someone asks me how I am doing.  In fact I’ve swallowed the word more than once in the past little while, because it is such a norm to just be busy and tell everyone about that busy.  And when I say I’m busy, I think I’m busy; when I think I’m busy I get stressed; and when I get stressed I start to judge everyone else, arrogantly thinking I’m the best at busy, no one else gets it, and no one else is as busy as I am.  You see how it snowballs into one giant, out control, doesn’t-melt-until-summer-is-over, snowball?  I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this, and I’m ready for it to stop. But I recognized that it started with me.  I needed a mindset and attitude change.  I needed to not be busy, and just get organized.   I needed permission that saying no was okay.  Everything in life needed to change from a dragging chore to joy filled purpose.

Life shouldn’t pedestal the busy.  Life should respect the yes and value the no.  So how can we support each other in this?  Here’s a few ideas.

1. When someone says yes to you, be sure to thank them.  You know how many people are feigning for your attention and involvement, and that other person you’ve just asked to do something has probably gotten just as many requests – and they chose to say yes to you.  Be grateful!  A simple thank you (verbal or written – maybe try an old school thank you card!) goes a long way.  I remember when I was applying to go to SBS in Montana I sent a money order to the base inside of a thank you note – those girls in the office do a TON of work, and they are great at it; they say YES everyday to students who apply and get accepted to that base and have their hundreds of questions (which was totally me, shout out to SJ for having patience with me!) and they needed to be thanked.  I figured they probably got a lot of thank you’s for all of the yes’s they give.  When I got to Montana months later, I was in the office taking care of some business when the Registrar says to me, “Oh you’re the one who wrote the thank you note!  Look, we put it on our wall!”  A little thank you goes a LONG way, so be sure to thank those who say yes to you.

2. Hear the no, accept the no, and realize that it’s probably not personal.  Just the other day I was saying no to a customer at work about something, but for the life of them they just weren’t accepting it, even if they had heard it.  She kept pressing me and pressing me, rewording her question and standing around as if her persistence would make me change my mind.  That lady just wasn’t hearing or accepting my no – and it’s not even that I wanted to tell her no!  I realistically just didn’t have the means to supply what she was looking for.  And I make a point to say lady because ladies, I think we’re the ones who are really guilty of this.  We see our need, we get it set in our mind who we want to fulfill it, we set out to ask that person and when they turn us down we take it so personally that we push and pressure as opposed to accept and affirm.  And there’s a really good chance that the reason the person is saying no to you (and they don’t need to explain or justify their no) because they legitimately cannot help at this time.  When we’ve got a need that has to be filled (eg. volunteers for the spaghetti dinner, more leaders for your ministry, a chaperone for the kid’s movie night), be sure to have some back-up options – and be sure you’re good with them.  This will make hearing and accepting a no significantly easier.

3. Choose words wisely.  Sometimes all it takes for us to feel less busy is to use words like “no” more and words like “I’m busy” less.  I really think our busy lives are reflective of busy attitudes and of living in a culture where busy is valued.  A couple of years ago I was encouraged to start planning my weeks, including slotting in things like “Sabbath rest” and “social time.”  At first I thought I was being ridiculously OCD, but as my mentor assured me, “you’re just being wise with your time!”  And in fact as I penned into my week the things I needed to do I found that I was much less stressed and I had more free time to invest in relationships that had so long been ignored.  I started saying no to things when it fell the same day as “Sabbath rest,” and I limited myself to being involved in significantly less ministry opportunities.  The reality was I wasn’t needed everywhere, and in saying no to people I stopped hindering others from excelling in their gifts.  Whereas I previously thought I was the “best” I soon came to see that there were several others who were better, and that was a gift all in itself (it’s a gift called delegation; a whole different blog!)

So how about it?  Shall we be more grateful, accept the no, and choose the words we use more wisely?  You have permission.  You’re allowed to take a break.  You’re allowed to recharge.  You’re allowed to spend a Friday night on a date with the man you fell in love with all those years ago – kid, ministry, homework and busy free.  You’re allowed.

God is faithful to us when we invest in our relationship with him and the ones He’s given us to love especially.  God is more sovereign than our no, and if whatever you said “no” to is supposed to flourish it will flourish under His will.  Don’t you worry.  Really.  Take a deep breath (really, take a deep breath)…hold it there for a minute…you have permission to not be busy, and to just say no.  I dare you to try it sometime soon (like…later today?)