the rambling missionary

by anna smith

 

If this blog post were a movie, I would begin with the ending scene of my “not yet finished” story. You would see tears streaming down my face as I am being wheeled out of an operating room to recovery. You would see the pain in my eyes as words fail to surface. You’d see the expression on my face as soon as the nurse lays a warm blanket over my body. You may even empathize with me as my arms rest motionless on my lap, wrapped in ace bandages more times than your average subway sandwich. This was a day that marked a new beginning for me, a new normal and a continual pursuit.

…but, because this blog is not a movie, I’ll just go ahead and start as if we are long time friends and that we’ve known each other for years.

So, the other day I was in a store looking around, just killing some time. It was one of those stores where you walk in and immediately think “Yeah…actually, I don’t want to be in this store, I already know I’m not going to buy anything.”  Although I had this knee jerk reaction almost immediately, I had already committed a full 10 feet of residence. Let me just take a moment to say, I know that I wouldn’t have hurt the feelings of the store had I left, but for whatever reason (laziness…boredom..) I decided to stay and have a look around. After a swift meandering, I happened upon a clothing rack that caught my eye. The sign above this rack said sold “As Is” which basically could be interpreted as “So, there are some clothes on here that have some defects, but we’re selling them at a discounted price.”  I looked through the clothes, didn’t see anything that I couldn’t live without, so I left.

That seemingly insignificant moment, has recently developed more meaning for me as of late.

As Is.

Some people thrive off of racks like this. They see this rack and think “Oh! The possibilities!” I look at this rack and think “nope.”  Why did I think “nope”?  Well, I guess I just didn’t feel like I had the time or the energy to invest into something to make it lovely, and furthermore, I didn’t see the possibility of its future.  It was then I felt the Lord speak to me and ask, “Anna, where do you see the Gospel in this?”  This question frequents my mind on an almost a daily basis and so initially my response to the Lord was almost like a child’s response…”I don’t know…hey! Look at that cute duck out there!”

But, then I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t help but think of identity and value and worth. I began to reflect on why the God of the Universe, would walk into the “store of my heart” and intentionally make His way to the “As Is” rack and says, “This is exactly what I want, this is lovely and it has a future.”

Just to warn you, I am about to get uncomfortably honest with a ton of internet strangers, but honestly, I just want you to see how wonderful Jesus is, and just how good the Gospel truly is.  If anything, I just want to share a small part of my story in hopes that it will inspire us all to lean in a little closer, to bend a little further in the direction of a God who loves all of us…As Is.

In previous posts, Erika has been wonderfully articulating and addressing this whole topic of weight and beauty and identity. Though some may see it as buzzwords or topics, I think if we are real with ourselves, it’s the cycle that kind of just keeps…cycling.

One of the main items on the “As Is” rack for me, has been my weight. It’s always been a struggle for me.  Now, when I say “struggle” I mean for the majority of my life I have wrestled with wanting to be healthy but not really knowing how to just do it (insert  Shia LaBeouf “Just do It” Motivational Speech). It truly was for me a “Yesterday you said today” merry-go-round…until last year.

Last year was quite literally one of the most transformative years of my adult life. Last year, the Lord provided an amazing friend and trainer for me, who graciously explained to me the ins and outs of weight loss, nutrition, and exercise. He pushed me and challenged me to give this year 110% of my heart, and promised that if I would do exactly he instructed me to do, he would stick with me and that I would see results. And so I did it. I have seen, and continue to see results as I am still pursuing the goals that I’ve set for myself.

Yes nutrition is incredibly important, as is exercise. But for me, what was of utmost importance, was what my trainer tagged this pursuit:

”Gospel Centered Weight Loss”

At first when he told me he wanted to call it this, I was kind of like “huh?”. What does that even mean?

Gospel Centered Weight Loss…

Sooo, I read the Bible and pray for Jesus to help me? Yep.
Okay, so I stop trying to do this in my own strength and ask Him for strength? Yeah.
Okay so…it means that I’m doing this because I want Jesus to be in every single area of my life, including what’s on the “As Is” rack? Yes.

This is exactly what it is.  Gospel Centered Weight Loss, for me, means that I no longer have to try to convince myself that I need to be better, to try harder in order to be enough. It means that by the grace of God, I get to invite God into an area of life that He actually WANTS to be a part of. What a privilege.

A verse that has been especially meaningful to me in this season, is found in John 1:16 and it says this:

“For from His fullness, we have all received grace upon grace.”

When you feel like you’re not enough: Grace
When you feel like you’re not lovely: Grace
When you can’t seem to get it together: Grace
When you don’t understand your own heart: Grace
When you keep doing what you don’t want to do: Grace
When you keep having to restart: Grace
When you want to quit: Grace
When you actually quit: Grace
When you fall short: Grace
When your striving doesn’t seem to get you anywhere: Grace

upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace….

When you’re hanging there all “As Is’ish”: Grace.

So, my question to you today is, what is on your “As Is” rack? Maybe it’s not your weight. Maybe it’s a part of your personality that you quite frankly, just feel awkward about. Maybe it’s your past or your fear of the future. Maybe it’s the way you handle interactions with people or maybe it’s another physical insecurity or the lack of any special talents or abilities. Whatever it is, I just want to encourage you today, to let Jesus in. He’s God, so He’s already in it, but there is something so life changing when we position our hearts to the Lord in a way that says “God, I need you and I want you in this.”  His gift to us is His grace, and it’s a continual outflow of His GREAT love for us.

And…for those of you wondering about the end scene that I began with, a part of the journey for me includes some scars. The scars are on my arms, and they are from a surgery that I had in the winter that helped to tighten the skin on my arms that was residual from losing…a 4th grader (yeah, that was just about as awkward for me to type as it was for you to read).  As noticeable as the scars are,  I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful for them because whenever I look down and see them, I am reminded that the Gospel should infiltrate every single area of my life.  I’m reminded of how desperately I need Jesus, and I am reminded of His incredible love for me… As Is.

If you have a moment today, listen to this song and just allow the God of the universe to speak truth into your heart:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR-7O57IQUA

Anna serves as a Bible teacher with a non-profit missions organization.  She’s a firm believer in good coffee, tasteful music, witty banter and Christmas pajamas.  She loves the Word of God and how it transforms people’s hearts.  She blogs on a not-so-regular basis at www.annaesmith.wordpress.com