the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

What I realized as I walked away from cute guy at the wedding was that even if he had enough integrity to not just want me for sex he also didn’t seem to care to pursue, even though he’d shown interest throughout the evening.  I don’t believe he wanted me just for sex.  At one point he had made a comment about a guy who lived in his building who was always bringing a new woman home and how that’s just not his lifestyle.  He never expanded on that and I never thought to ask more about it.  This is why second dates are always needed: there’s always more to learn.  Anyway.  I digress.

What really struck me was how in many ways culture has almost emasculated men to suggest to them that they don’t need to pursue women any more.  He doesn’t have to ask for a woman’s number because the woman will come to him.  It’s sad becuase I think that’s right.  I can’t tell you how many times in the first few days after the wedding that I wanted to creep him down and message him on Facebook, or text my newlywed friends and encourage them to give him my number.

I may sound old fashioned, but what ever happened to guys putting in a little risk?

I know, I know, feminism suggests that a woman can ask a man out too.  Sure, I agree.  There’s nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out.  But at the end of the day most women want and even need to be pursued.  Whether they’re married or unattached they have a deep desire to be known.

I’ve been realizing that my desires for a relationship are born out of place yearning to be known.  In the past I’ve suggested, and do still believe, that the satisfaction to be known can be found in close friends.  However, the past 18 months of my life I’ve lived in something like 12 different countries, taken more planes than I could count, and never spent more than 8 weeks in one location – and that location was somewhere in Asia (which I loved, but it just wasn’t “home”).  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job as a missionary where I get to travel, and I understand that being so mobile makes it difficult to hold down a relationship let alone the ability to be known.  I can recognize that the reason I yearn to be known is because I’ve been moving so much that I’ve lost touch with feeling known.  It’s actually pushed me into a corner of wondering what it feels like to be loved by God.

9 years ago I travelled to Australia and encountered the love of Jesus with such intensity I thought I could never waiver from knowing that love.  Now I sit here, my head full of Biblical doctrine and theology that leads me to the answers to some of life’s hardest questions.  I find a level of peace and contentment in the knowledge I have.  Yet I feel so far from that first love, from the thrill of excitement that comes with something new.  So I’ve, subliminally, started to seek to find that same excitement from chatting with guys at weddings or flirting with guys at coffee shops or messaging with guys late into the night.  There’s a validation that comes with being seen, heard, touched.  But is it the right kind of validation?

I won’t submit to hook up culture.  As much as it sounds appealing when I’m standing at the bar with an attractive man, I know that if I was to compromise that set of morals I wouldn’t find the fulfillment my soul is longing for.  I know, in my head, that I can only find that fulfillment in Jesus Christ.

So how I do find that?  And then, by extension, how do I start to change the culture around me to do the same?  Because yay! Good for me if I don’t hook up and don’t have sex before marriage and don’t do things the way our progressive culture expects.  But will I really change anything that way?

I don’t know if I will.  But should that stop me from being obedient any way?

The only way to find a good answer is to ask more good questions.  I will always believe that.  A part of me even thinks that a good answer to a good question is in fact another good question.

I think that maybe, just maybe, culture really does shift one individual at a time.  That means that all I can do is start with me.  I can start with me and share with you and maybe you’ll be encouraged or challenged.  And then you’ll come alongside of me and together we’ll be obedient.  Then your friend will see you and you’ll share and they’ll be encouraged and look! Now we’re 3.  We can shift the cultural mindset that suggests your sexuality has no value, but we need to start with ourselves.

So this is me.  I’m going to keep waiting to be pursued.  I’m not going to hook up.  Sometimes I will play hard to get (but don’t worry, I won’t tease mercilessly or intentionally bring any hurt).  I will always be myself, which is not too much and is more than enough.  I’ll act like a Grandma at 28 because if my Grandmother’s were still around I’m sure they’d tell me that love is worth holding onto with the same man through thick and thin.

Where does that leave hope?  Hope is found in obedience.  Hope is found in sticking to your guns and not compromising.  Hope is found in watching the way husbands you know and care for love their wives whom you also love and care for.  Hope is encouraging those couples and thanking them for setting positive examples of marriage for you.  Hope is found in letting yourself be loved by Jesus.