You’re Worth More Than a Temporary High

by erika haveman

When I wrote “Nobody Actually Wants to Watch Porn,” I questioned myself (as I often do) when I suggested that, “… I felt confirmed my theory that we as people are seeking a thrill or an ecstasy that makes us feel satisfied, believing that the temporary high is good enough.” What got me thinking was this idea of the temporary high. What is it that makes us settle for the temporary rather than holding out for the eternal – especially when it comes to hook ups and the culture surrounding relationships these days?

I read a Snapchat story one day that offered readers “9 Subtle Signs He’s Into You.” I thought it’d be ridiculous (which it was) but my natural curiosity led me to read the article anyways (although it was a video with words…so I’m still unsure if I read the article or watched it..). I think I read it because I’d recently had a conversation with a friend about how you can’t read into anything a guy does or says when you’re interested in him. My mentor once told me that if I wanted to see red, I’d see red all over the place. Same goes if I like a guy. If I want him to like me back I’ll be able to read into everything he does as something that suggests he’s actually into me. This is devastating and unhealthy. Usually when a guy says “hey, how are you?” he’s not meaning anything beyond, “hey, how are you?” so don’t read into it as, “this must be a DTR!” I think I recently mentioned how I’d received a message from a guy I’ve harboured a secret (and at times not so secret, depending on who you are) crush on and he just said, “What’s up I miss you!” after a few months of not talking. Obviously I took this as his admission of attraction. But after that initial shock, and completely incorrect reaction, settled down I realized that he’s just being a nice guy who misses a friend he made. There’s nothing to it. It was just more of the colour red.

When he pats you on the back, he’s just patting you on the back and not telling you he wishes he could always hold you. When he smiles at you as you pass, he’s just smiling at you and not wishing he was walking the same way as you and holding your hand. I’m sure none of you ever have thought these things…but you know, just warning you. When he wants to have a DTR, he’ll probably allow that conversation to happen and it will probably still make you nervous, but it will be more obvious. When he wants to hold you then he’ll hold you. When he wants to grab your hand he’ll grab your hand. He means what he says. Don’t look for red if you don’t have to.

What you should do, though, is remind yourself that you are worth having a DTR with (DTR = determining the relationship, in case it’s just my age people who know what that means). You are worth being held. You are worth more than something fleeting and temporary. Do not settle for the high that only lasts for so long. Allow yourself seek the steady and long lasting as opposed to the rocky and short lived.

Because, as I suggested in the Porn post, the short lived is much easier to settle with, but it’s much less satisfying.

How do I know this? Because I’m recently turned 29 (which I realize isn’t 82, and no I don’t have countless piles of wisdom stacked up in my brain) and I’ve never even been kissed. I’ve been holding out, or missed over, or unnoticed, or waiting, or a combination of the hard and good things, for a long time. In my earlier 20s there was a lot of angst in feeling like I was never chosen or never pretty enough to want to be kissed. As I matured and my confidence grew I realized it couldn’t be about my looks – I’m a damn sight worth checking out. Or so the voice of confidence in the back of my head tells me. But I obviously questioned why I wasn’t allotted the temporary high of being wanted.

As I lay in bed the other night I contemplated my life (as one does on occasion). There was a time when I didn’t care to follow Jesus and only wanted a job that would allow my physical beauty to be affirmed by men that would make me a lot of money. You guess the job. However my life never went that route, despite my attempts at 17 when I moved to the Netherlands, and I am ever so grateful. I’m grateful because I met Jesus and realized that I am worth more than catcalls and dollar bills. Just like I’m worth having my hand held and worth being on the receiving end of a DTR I am worth more than that feeling of being attractive to a man. I am worth more than a random kiss by a stranger. I am worth more than any sort of temporary high.

I’m not sure, though, collectively as women that we grasp this concept. I don’t have to look far on social media to see women posting photos of themselves in innocent, yet suggestive, poses. Oh you didn’t know you had cleavage? Did you not dress yourself in that bikini and point your own camera in your direction? I’m sorry, I’m sure you had to bend over in that position to pick up that thing off the ground.

But you know what? The temporary is gratifying. There’s something so satisfying about having a few seconds given to us by someone else that affirms our physical beauty. The more likes the more, fleetingly, fulfilling it is.

In a world where instant gratification isn’t a new concept do we still challenge ourselves to wait for the return on an investment? Maybe the fear is we’ll invest years into knowing God more and knowing ourselves better just to be let down, again, and be rejected by another good man. My question to you becomes this: if God sees you more valuable than a temporary high, do you see Him as more valuable? If He’s the one you claim to live for, follow, and love then you know you’ve signed on for some trying times (John 15:18-26, 16:33). I would go so far as to suggest those trying times are not limited, and could include fighting to believe you’re worth more than anybody’s temporary high.