the rambling missionary

by erika haveman

My roommate is on the verge of getting engaged, and by extension married, so our conversations these days centre a lot (a LOT) around sex.  I’ve been writing about sex and singleness for years and shamelessly dragging you into my meandering of words so it’s right up my alley to be having these kinds of conversations in real life.  Most recently we’ve been talking through a very – albeit unspoken – accepted practice, even among Christians: sex before marriage.

First off it’s helpful to define sex.  I would suggest sex for the sake of this post is penetrative sex.

Disclaimer: nothing in this post is meant to condemn or shame you if you had sex in some way before you got married.  Please understand I write mostly for unmarried women – that is my audience and who I have in mind when I write.  Additionally if you are married and wish to be a part of this conversation please refrain from statements like, “My husband and I did (blank) before we were married – don’t do what we did.”  The blanket statement of “don’t do what we did” is not helpful or realistic.  If you did engage in a pre-marital sexual experience you know how hard it was to stop yourselves from going there.  Trust me we’re all human and desire is a real, natural, and good thing and to suggest we just “not do as you did” quenches a healthy desire and creates shame around sexual experience.  I don’t think God ever intended there to be shame surrounding sex and learning self control is more complicated (as we all know) than “don’t do it.”

Okay.  Hopefully we’re all good and tracking.

Sex before marriage.  More often than I should be surprised I do hear that married couples were sexually active on some level before they got married.

Me being honest (like I’d be anything less): I’ve only once been in a situation with a guy where I felt (and knew) that if he kissed me I wouldn’t stop us from having sex.  The only thing that stopped me from letting him kiss me was my own fear of intimacy – something God has been working on since that moment 6 (6!) years ago but thank goodness in that moment I really didn’t know better than to turn my face away from his.  All that to say I know if I am ever presented to a man and we start a relationship we will need to have real conversations about boundaries and we’ll probably need real accountability.  I know it’ll be hard for me not to have sex before I’m married and it would be easy for me to fall into asking the question so many good intentioned Christians have before me: “Why shouldn’t we have sex if we are heading towards marriage?”

I can see the human reality behind this question.  But if I believe that Jesus and His Word is what shapes, guides and leads my life then I need to understand what sex represented in Scripture: a marriage.

Let’s be real clear: in the Bible the way a couple was united in marriage was through these sex.  This is the whole idea of consummation.  If a marriage is not consummated (sex isn’t had) there was no marriage.

Genesis 2:24-25: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.  Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

I always like to use Genesis first when talking about marriage and sex because the Garden is the only place in Scripture that shows us the world as God intended it.  All of life since then is God reclaiming the Kingdom for His own, recalling relationship to Himself the way it was when He created the world.  There’s a whole theology throughout the Old Testament about God bring His people east – the location of “Eden.”  But I can’t get into that now.  What I will get into is the word “united” in v. 24.  This word also translates to “cleave, keep close.”  Cleave, specifically, has an emotional connotation that suggests intimacy.  The fact the author of Genesis follows that statement with “one flesh” and the pointed fact the couple was naked [and felt no shame] suggests, I think, the reality of sexual intimacy and the fullness it brings to a relationship.  Note there is really nothing in the Genesis narrative that says marriage or even translates to the word marriage – let alone wedding.  What unites this couple is their one flesh-ness before God: sex.  (But also lets talk about sex before God another time, shall we?)  The “cleave” brings in the reality there is a commitment before God that cannot (and should not) be broken.

If this is the case then I would like to offer a rephrase of the above question: “Why shouldn’t we get married if we’re heading towards sex?”

I’ve never been one, personally, to imagine or want a big wedding ceremony.  I understand I’m probably not most women in that sense (though feel free to correct me if I am wrong).  I believe witnesses matter (though no large number is necessary) at a ceremony before God and personally I want to feel really damn beautiful, but beyond that the details don’t so much matter.

I’ve also never been one – probably because I watched so many friends lament this – to want a long engagement.  Honestly I wouldn’t be opposed to getting engaged and married all in the same weekend.  Because if we’re getting married – why wait?

I think sometimes we draw a hard line when it comes to talking about sex and we call that self control.  But that’s actually just depravity.  Probably also something I should expand on another week.

Changing the question might not change what you do, but I know for me it has helped my perspective.  This is the way I’ve thought for a long time.  But of course, as I talked about last week, every theory is really only as good as the next chance we have at applying it.

If I am ever in a serious relationship/engaged kind of situation I will be sure to let you know how it’s going.

But what do you think?  I’m curious if others out there have thought of things this way or even if couples have moved up their wedding date to accommodate their desires (which I do not think should be shameful at all!)  Drop a comment below if you have some thoughts!  I’d love to hear them!