by stacey venema

Last week I shared what singles are hearing when their community tells them that “marriage is hard.”  I explained that singles are hearing that “marriage is scary,” “marriage and kids are too much work,” and “you need to be content in your singleness, you don’t know how good you have it.”  Many of us have good intentions when trying to encourage those that are single but it can be really easy to hurt someone instead of building them up.  As a community we want to help build each other up, whether married or unmarried.  I have some amazing friends who are married that do a great job at caring for me and it makes me feel so loved.  The best way for us to know how to care for each other is to listen to each other’s heart and to take steps from there.  So, from my heart, I am writing 3 ways that we can all encourage single people. 

Continue reading “Guest Post: {part 2 of 2} Please Tell Me Something Good About Marriage and Children”

an open letter by stacey venema

Dear Community,

Please tell me something good about marriage and children.  I understand that you mean well and that you are only trying to help me see things from another perspective.  I appreciate that you are trying to help me to recognize the blessings that I have as a single person and encourage me to be content.  However, it might not be having the impact that you had hoped for.  I actually need you to tell me something good. 

Please tell me something other than “marriage is hard work”, “children are exhausting” and “enjoy all of your free time and ability to sleep.”  I see beautiful children, families and wedding photos on social media captioned “the best day ever” or “they grow up too fast ,”  and so I know that there are good moments in marriage.  When I share my dreams of someday getting married and having children, please say something other than “Don’t rush it. It’s not easy.”  I recognize that you care about me and you don’t want me to be hurting.  I know that your intentions are to console me and welcome me into the reality that marriage does not fix life.  Thank you for caring for me and not wanting me to settle or rush into anything.  I know that you want to stress that having a child is a huge commitment and it isn’t easy.  However, despite your intentions, there are only a few things that I am hearing.

Continue reading “Guest Post: {part 1 of 2} Please, Tell Me Something Good about Marriage and Children”

by erika haveman

Have you ever read a book that just got you irked? Like annoyed at the world or overly sentimental or underwhelmed by your own existence? I just finished one such book. What was the book you ask?

Little Women.

I know, I know – desecration! Lies! Abominable words you speak, Erika!

Sorry. In a world where I can say anything and be accepted by someone, I choose to be of the opinion that Little Women disappointed me.

However, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I opened the book (although does it count as “opening a book” when you’re reading on an eReader?) I was at first bored by the chatter of the March daughters and the slow moving plot. It quickened, of course, and became engaging right around when Jo met Laurie. That’s when I was hooked. I didn’t put the book down. I laid awake late into the evening and pushed aside responsibilities just to read “one more chapter!” My heart was constantly curious as I allowed myself to be caught up in the wisdom of Mrs. March, the woes of Meg, the wildness of Jo, the warmheartedness of Beth and the winsomeness of Amy. Honestly, my heart connected with these women and I found reflections of myself in all of the characters presented so delicately by Lousie May Alcott. But as the book continued I actually found myself becoming moodier. I felt drowned by my own life’s “have not’s” and I found myself wishing to enter the lives of the women in the novel. I longed for words of sweet sentiment to be whispered in my ear, for invitations to parties or picnics to be placed in my mailbox, and for hours of meaningful conversations to be at my disposal. I found myself, to be honest, outright jealous.

Continue reading “Stop Saying “Marriage is Hard””

by erika haveman

Hopefully I didn’t leave you last week all in a dither (I’m reading Little Women for the first time, so my inner voice is sounding very 1800s-ish as of late), but hopefully I left you with something to contemplate.   I attempted to answer my initial, simple, question of whether or not motherhood is a calling.  No calling is elevated over another, and yes motherhood (and fatherhood) are in fact callings that God places on people’s lives.  We can say this with confidence because Genesis 1 has outlined for us the call (or mandate or expectation, choose your word) God offered to those who know they are created in His image.  One thing I didn’t stress last week is that your calling is not your identity.  A dear, sweet friend reminded me of this truth and I thought I best reiterate it here to avoid confusion.  Now that’s settled, I want to consider together the other question I proposed:

1. How often do we really consider the expectations God has for us for the season that we’re in?

Continue reading “{part 2 of 2} Is Motherhood a Calling?”

by erika haveman

Recently I’ve found myself surrounded by children.  Beautiful children who I’m privileged to love and snuggle and hold and swoon over and make silly faces at and cherish.  Ask me a few years ago how I felt about kids and I would tell you to keep them far from me!  I wouldn’t want to touch them with a 10 foot pole.  Not because there was anything wrong with them, but because I was scared I would drop them or mess them up or not be able to interact with them at all. Then came along one sweet, adorable, squishy and cuddly little girl who changed all of that.  I had some cousins who had their first child and the moment I held that 8 month old in my arms, I experienced a love for another human being that I didn’t know existed.  For the first time in my life I realized that kids might not be so scary, and this motherhood thing is something that I shouldn’t write off quite yet.  That child inspired me to get involved with the annual VBS ministry at my church where I graciously (and with great fear) accepted the role of story teller.  My first year doing this job I wasn’t so…hmm…how shall we say it?  I didn’t know how to talk to kids.  I used words much too large for the 5 year olds to understand which resulted in stifled laughter from the adult leaders and blank stares from the kids themselves.  I’ve improved since then, spending the 2 subsequent years serving in the VBS ministry, communicating effectively and revelling in every minute of it.  I’ve come to love kids, and as much as I can’t say I look forward to the logistics of bringing a child into the world (carrying a watermelon under my skin for 9 months and then pushing it out of me isn’t quite that appealing), I do look forward to raising kids some day.

Continue reading “{part 1 of 2} Is Motherhood a Calling?”

by anna smith

If this blog post were a movie, I would begin with the ending scene of my “not yet finished” story. You would see tears streaming down my face as I am being wheeled out of an operating room to recovery. You would see the pain in my eyes as words fail to surface. You’d see the expression on my face as soon as the nurse lays a warm blanket over my body. You may even empathize with me as my arms rest motionless on my lap, wrapped in ace bandages more times than your average subway sandwich. This was a day that marked a new beginning for me, a new normal and a continual pursuit.

…but, because this blog is not a movie, I’ll just go ahead and start as if we are long time friends and that we’ve known each other for years.

Continue reading “Guest Post: The “As Is” Rack & Gospel Centred Weight Loss”

by erika haveman

“…True worshipers act in unconventional ways – including distancing themselves from family – to give God first place in their adoring service of Him. The estrangement between husband and wife [David and Michal] also functions as a foil to the warm intimacy between I AM and David that forms the background to God’s reward to David of an everlasting covenant.”
Bruce Waltke, Old Testament Theology

I realize the title of this post may have caused a stir. Good. I’m glad you’re here. Please read this in its entirety before you get all angry and upset.

Continue reading “Marriage Isn’t Where You Find True Intimacy”

by erika haveman

don’t forget to read weight & beauty: part 1 – the very first lie
and
weight & beauty: part 2 – do guys matter?

Have you ever been at a wedding and looked around at the other beautiful, dressed up, high class, fine women and wondered where you fit it?  You’d scope out who you measure up to, physically, and who you score higher than.  Maybe you’ve had the thought, “well, at least I look better than her.”

Nobody will admit this out loud, but you’ve probably had those thoughts.

No?  Just me?  Okay…well then.  I’m awful, I know.  But I’m here to repent and commit to moving past this with you.

Continue reading “Weight & Beauty: Part 3 – All the Other Gorgeous Women”

by erika haveman

don’t forget to read weight & beauty: part 1 – the very first lie 

We’re all guilty of it.  We’ve all allowed a guy to check us out and as a result we’ve felt pretty good about ourselves.  Or at least we’ve probably felt better about ourselves than we had earlier that same day.  I will be the first to admit that I’m guilty of this.  In fact, I could probably reference you back to other blog posts where I’ve talked about this (like “One Too Many Catcalls” for instance).  The reality is when someone checks me out, I feel really good about myself.  I feel more worthy, valuable, beautiful, attractive…the list could go on.  The larger reality here, though, is that I cannot let those looks, comments, or asks get to my head because they don’t actually determine anything.  At least they shouldn’t.

Continue reading “Weight & Beauty: Part 2 – Do Guys Matter?”